What'cha watchin?

I am suffering major brain burnout from having several major projects going on this week and don't have it in me to do a normal post. However, I know many of you look to this blog as a source of hope and light – so I thought I’d post a few of my thoughts on some movies I’ve seen and offer you a chance to do the same.

Have any of you ever seen “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” Johnny Depp must be the guy they call when they make weird movies, because he’s in every single one. He’s good at being a quiet freak who wears oddball clothing and acts like he’s detached from reality – these are all great reasons to want to punch him in the face. Watching “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” actually made me angry – it was that stupid. Plus, I also cannot stand that little rat-boy Leonardo DiCaprio. I wish that what was eating Gilbert Grape was a huge Tyrannosaurus Rex. DiCaprio could be for dessert. I wouldn’t watch this movie again even if they were giving out gold bars to those in attendance. Sucks so hard!

It takes a really clever person to write a story about an idiot and have it end up being a great movie. Thus I give kudos to the person who wrote “Forrest Gump.” I know plenty of mentally deficient people, but they lack the charm and panache that Forrest had…a movie about them would basically consist of one hour and forty-five minutes of me slapping them upside the head with a paper towel tube. You have to love a movie that can make you laugh and cry intermittently for 2 hours. Plus, it’s a good lesson to the rest of us to see someone who thinks so simply about life also be so right about life. We “overthink” everything these days…there is a great deal of spiritual truth to be found in “Life is like a box of chocolates…you never know what you’re going to get.”

I have seen “A Few Good Men” probably over 50 times. It is one of my favorite movies and I can’t get enough of it. I love movies based on court cases where you get to see a battle of minds in which people use logic and reasoning to try to outwit their opponent. I love to see Jack Nicholson talk smack to people. I love to see government folks get caught breaking the rules and getting punished for it, because these losers are always jamming the rules down our throat while they themselves sit comfortably above the law. Plus there are cool looking military uniforms in it and they constantly throw around top secret military government code words. Mega cool!

I hate the Austin Power’s movies, and any movie for that matter that is based on what I call “toilet humor.” You know, jokes about things that should be private, like going to the bathroom or sexual habits or anything related to the public passing of gas. This is the humor of the weak and uneducated! If as a screenplay writer the only thing you can do to get a laugh is to have a guy burp the alphabet then you need to find another occupation.

Coming Summer 2006 – 2000 Hits – one man’s journey to ultimate bliss through the repeated smacking of Leonardo DiCaprio over the head with a long-tailed cat.

Just some stuff

Often we like to have dinner in front of the television…I know this is frowned upon by some, but my family has come to the realization that braving the dangers of watching too much TV is better than having to listen to someone like me talk about “their day.” “Honey, how was your day?” “@#%^!&*#!!%#%!!” “Ok, how about some TV?” (quickly shuffles couch cushions looking for remote)

My daughter has recently started thinking of her shirts as very conveniently located napkins. Considering the amount of money we spend on her clothes, this isn’t the best thing that’s ever happened. Some things, like snot and apple juice, wash out easily…other things like pasta sauce not so much. It’s never a good sign when you go to give her a hug and her cotton t-shirt doesn’t bend or move. I tried to reason with her about this, but when I asked her why she wiped her hands and face off on her favorite new Strawberry Shortcake t-shirt, she simply replied “Because I like to.” That answer made a lot of sense to me.

I really think I could cut a best-selling album if I could just get a recording studio inside my car. There’s something about the acoustical environment in there that brings out the true beauty of my voice. The pitch…the modulation…my voice like a golden piccolo sweetly serenading the cutest little baby puppy floating on a sunlit lake. In my car I am brilliant…everywhere else I sound like a chain-smoking Jerry Lewis.

Don't eat zoo food!

Do you find it strange that the zoo sells you food that they won’t allow their animals to eat? They’re fine with you eating it, but you’re not allowed under any circumstances to give it to the animals. Signs are posted all over the zoo warning you not to feed the animals because it could be hazardous to their health.

If zoo food is so unhealthy that even an ape shouldn’t be eating it then why are you selling it to ME?

One order of your nachos please...extra cheese...and a large Pepto Bismol for the drink

Camping Trip part deux!

Well, the CBC Campout Extravaganza 2006 came and went this weekend, and I have to say it was the most fun I’ve had in a long while. I did learn a few things about life and my fellow campers Friday night, though, and thought I’d pass the wisdom I’ve gained along to you.

Normally I try to avoid things that cause me to look and/or act “girly”, and I therefore don’t use lip balms like Chapstick very much. Now I like the product itself in terms of what it does…chapped lips are not cool and this product helps avoid that. The issue I have is with the application of it – because you have to put it on in the same way girls put on their Ruby Red #28 lipstick from Mabeline. You have to puff your lips out a little…and then do a few motions over the top and bottom…and then while you’re screwing the cap back on it you sort of moisten your lips…and then you have a nice glossy shine. Yeah…that looks great…congratulations tough guy on your new makeup. Perhaps Chapstick should consider this and come out with a new applicator that lets you spray it on or something…or maybe a root beer bottle that puts it on for you while you drink. Anyways, I am now going to make an exception to this rule for campouts on cold windy nights. My lips are so cracked and dry right now that it hurts me to even think about smiling - fortunately I don't smile much so it shouldn't be a big deal. So sneak into your tent and put some on guys…just don’t get that shiny kind that has glitter in it.

Games are fun and make campouts even better, and that’s especially true when you have a group of really competitive people. Having said that, it might be ok for some of us to dial it down a notch and not take “Catch Phrase” so seriously. I think some of you were under the impression that the “Catch Phrase” device was going to start spitting out $100 bills or tickets to Broadway shows to the winning team.

Is Charity Sanders the 2006 version of the “Lawnmower Man”? You remember, he was that guy who could turn himself into energy and lived in a virtual reality world – he could control any kind of device with moving parts and make it do his bidding. Well, Charity can exert complete control over any camera she touches…with the result being some really cool photographs. She always asks you to do this cheesy stuff, and you’re like “Aww…I have to do what?”…but then when you see the picture she took you feel like it was totally worth it. No human being could pull off the pictures she takes…so she’s either a virtual reality entity (which might explain how she could be so dang cheerful all the time – no real person should be that joyful) or she’s the only person ever to actually read and comprehend her camera’s instruction manual in its entirety. Which is it Charity?

Kudos to my church family for making it such a fun outing – love you guys!

Nathan! Give that hill a rest man...we're over here on the river bank. Get one of the 8 year olds to help you - they found us an hour ago...

Camping Trip!

This weekend I’m going camping with some folks from church. Now you might be asking yourself, “Why would someone want to go camping?” It’s kind of hard to explain, but let me give it a try. You see, you spend lots of time and money trying to create a great place to live for you and your family – a place that’s modern and not lacking any creature comforts. This is not an easy process, and sometimes you may find yourself lacking the motivation to keep trying to improve your situation. If this is the case, then you know it’s time to schedule a camping trip. Camping is a great way to remind yourself of how crappy life would be without that house. When you go camping, you are basically volunteering to sleep on the ground, eat burnt hot dogs and get devoured by bugs…so that when you’re done, you’ll have a renewed appreciation for things like beds, electricity, air conditioning and toilets. Two days of camping will have you hugging your toilet like a long lost friend, and as you bask in the glow of your climate controlled room on your spring and mattress bed you’ll find yourself bursting with a renewed commitment to your offensively boring job.

Of course, you don’t want to get too crazy with it, so you need to make sure that you bring some important items with you for your campout. Sleeping bags are an important item that no camper can do without. When shopping for a sleeping bag, be sure to select the thickest, fattest, most puffy one you can find, because sleeping on the ground sucks. It’s all bumpy and there are lots of little rocks that hurt when you lay on them for 5 hours straight. Also, be sure to bring plenty of toilet paper – leaves are not an acceptable substitute. You don’t want the kind of hurt that wiping with poison ivy can put on you. Plus, in terms of texture, leaves don’t have that “cottony-soft” feeling that we’ve come to expect when cleaning up. Leaves aren’t that durable either, and this isn’t a time when you want something crumbling on you.

Camping is fun, but there are safety issues to be concerned about if everyone wants to come home in one piece. Making flame-throwers out of aerosol cans is fun and brings a certain level of excitement to the campout, but be sure to keep the flames away from other people’s tents. Having someone’s tent catch on fire can put a damper on the entire evening…just ask my old Boy Scout troop leader. (true story…2am in the morning this guy wakes up to the shouts of his troop, and the first thing he sees is the left wall of his tent ablaze…) Remember too that sneaking around at night trying to scare other campers may result in your being clubbed repeatedly with a large stick. At night in the woods, campers don’t know if that noise they keep hearing is you or a coyote. The only sensible choice is for them to assume you are a dangerous predator and to treat it as a life-threatening situation. They’ve usually scored several nice shots to your head before they realize that you are not a threat. Then you get to go campout in the hospital waiting room. Also, flashlights are indispensable tools that can assist you in the midnight bathroom run. You should not play the guessing game when trying to find a good spot to go to the bathroom, as peeing on a wild animal or fellow camper will set events into motion that will not be easily resolved.

One quick note on camper etiquette – please note that campers are no longer obligated to tell the traditional campout “spooky” story about that guy who loses his hand and gets it replaced with a claw.

"Huh....what? What was that noise? Dean...is that you? I'm serious man...don't mess around...(picks up large stick)...Dean?"

Casserole: the ultimate food group

Casseroles rule because there isn’t anything that doesn’t taste better with cream of chicken and those little fried onions on top. There are lots of things I’ll eat in a casserole that I won’t eat by themselves…mostly vegetables, because I abhor vegetables and have to mask their true taste and texture with something else before digesting them.

I think a few foods have been saved from extinction by the casserole. Take squash for example - I just don’t see anyone slamming down a bunch of squash without first smothering it in stuff that actually tastes good. Who came up with the idea of calling it “squash” anyways? Sure does get my appetite going to hear that I’ll be eating something that’s been run over or stepped on by something. Zucchini and artichokes also fall into this category.

What’s really cool is that you can put shredded cheese on just about any casserole…and we all know the goodness that melted cheese brings. Anyone doubting the power of cheese needs look no further than the broccoli cheese merger. If you can take something like broccoli and get kids fired up about eating it, you have a genuine miracle worker on your hands. I mean, you’re basically eating a smelly shrub…broccoli looks like a bush pulled right up from your front yard and tastes like what you’d imagine an old shoe to taste like…and yet cheese can somehow make it all better. That’s good stuff right there.

Yeah...it's a slow news day and I'm talking about casserole.

I pilled "Tater Tot Ca erole" on my keyboard and now my letter " " key doe n't work...

Toy Story Too

Sometime during the late 70s or early 80s, I had a life changing Christmas experience. It was the year I discovered the sweet nectar of absolute power.

I remember it like it was yesterday (yesterday stunk, by the way…I was so bored at the office I seriously considered jamming a fork in my eye). That particular year, my toy list was so big it could have easily sent my family into bankruptcy (now I know why my dad was working nights that year). My list had all the old standby’s…G.I. Joe, Star Wars figures, a new football, a new bike…all the stuff a boy my age could have wanted. I had trouble sleeping that night in anticipation of all the goodness that awaited me in the morning.

Imagine my surprise, then, when early that next morning my weary eyes laid sight on what Santa had brought me…a “Big Trak”. What in the world? I didn’t ask for any “Big Trak”! I felt like the elf at the Christmas drive-thru window had gotten my order wrong and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Man were my friends going to laugh at me. Had I been bad? My ears reddened at the injustice unfurling right before my very eyes. I was shell-shocked.

Now for this to make sense, I have to go into some detail as to what a “Big Trak” is. The “Big Trak” was a pretty popular toy at that time…it was the first of the programmable toys ever to come out. It looked like some sort of space age tank, and it was motorized, and on the top of it was a keypad. What you would do is program a series of instructions into this keypad and then hit the “Go” button, and the “Big Trak” would carry out the instructions. It could move in any direction and could also move material with a basket sort of contraption that it would lower and raise, and it would dump its contents out if you told it to.

After a few minutes of discouraged hand-wringing and pouting, my curiosity moved me to check it out. I was stuck with this toy…I figured I’d see if there was any enjoyment to be salvaged from it before totally writing it off. After mashing on a few of the buttons just to see what would happen, I quickly flipped through the instruction manual just to get a feel for how to “program” it. I decided to start with something simple…get the “Big Trak” to go forward for a few feet and then come back to me. I entered the commands and hit the “Go” button…and then watched as the “Big Trak” slowly lurched forward as I had told it to. After a certain point, it reversed and came right back to me. “Hey…that’s kind of cool…I wonder what else I could make it do?” I decided to have it do some turns…basically driving in a square pattern until it would again come back to me. This worked too, and as I kept thinking of ways to challenge the “Big Trak” a strange feeling began to overtake me. Here I was…a young kid with no technical capabilities whatsoever, controlling a highly capable robotic artificial intelligence! This “entity” was under my command, and it’s only function in this entire world was to do my bidding! My mind began to swirl with what I can only describe as an “evil zeal” as I begin to contemplate how I could use this “Big Trak” to change my life. Perhaps it could be programmed to keep my sisters out of my room, or to carry out dastardly deeds such as removing their favorite stuffed animals and dumping them in hard to find places. Maybe it would do my homework for me, or pick up my room…the free time I’d have would be incredible. As I drove the “Big Trak” into my room, my other toys suddenly looked lifeless…like nothing more than melted plastic and paint.

My love affair with the “Big Trak” was short-lived…somehow, the “Big Trak” thought that I told it to drive down the stairs...not sure how that happened, must have been a faulty keypad or something because I would never have tried something like that despite claims to the contrary by my parents. Needless to say, it was never the same after that. No matter what you told it to do, it would always make a right turn. Soon it was relegated to the back of my closet and forgotten about.

I was forever changed though, and I'm happy to say that my lust for power still exists to this very day! Thank you Milton Bradley!

So share your favorite toy stories here…I’m going to see if I can buy a new “Big Trak” off of EBay and get it to cut the grass for me.

The "Big Trak" blog - some assembly required, batteries not included.

Death rocks!

People say I’m a pessimistic person, but I strongly disagree. To prove it, here is an uplifting post about...death! While dying has its disadvantages, there are a few things about being dead that are pretty dang cool.

• When you’re dead stuff doesn’t bother you anymore. Death is a great way to reduce stress and lower your blood pressure. When you die, you’ll discover that things that used to “get your goat” simply won’t matter to you anymore! All the incessant worrying about healthy living, paying the bills, idiotic in-laws…it all magically disappears when you die!



• When you die, you'll never again find yourself struggling to fall asleep. Nyquil has nothing on death when it comes to helping you sleep like a baby! The really cool thing is, you don't have to set the alarm clock...no more snooze button for you baby! Feel free to sleep in!



• No more TELEMARKETERS! Unless you go to hell, you’ll never hear from any of them again!



• No more taxes! For your entire life, government takes a third of what you make so that they can fund someone’s right to use the bathroom on religious objects and sell it…but after you die, you can finally tell the IRS what you think of their 1099! I just hope they bury me with my butt up in the air. Just think...you're death might remove enough money from the system to deny some undeserving welfare recipient their latest round of handouts! And you've been avoiding death this whole time!



• You can finally quit your job! I’ve been “workin’ for tha man” for too long now…and death will finally give me the freedom I’ve wanted. Think of death as the ultimate retirement package! Plus, if your company has treated you like a new couch in a room full of angry cats, maybe you'll be lucky enough to die during the middle of a crucial project and derail it.

See! There are plenty of things to be positive about if you have the proper perspective! I haven't even listed them all! And I think I’ve safely squelched the notion that I’m not an optimist…you can keep saying it, but after reading this post it’s obvious to everyone that it’s just not true.

My glass of water is half empty and there's a fly in it...

Bumper stickers suck

When you see a car with a bumper sticker on it, what you must realize is that the person who placed it there wants everyone to know what they think about the subject matter contained on the bumper sticker. They put the sticker there so that everyone who sees it will realize that the driver holds whatever opinion or agrees with whatever mindset is portrayed on the sticker.

Besides the obvious fact that these stickers make your car look TERRIBLE, the question I want answered is – why do it?

Has ANYONE in the history of the world EVER had their mind changed, or been impacted in any way, by reading a bumper sticker? Even if it’s the most serious issue ever raised, has anyone ever altered anything about their lives or thoughts in response to something they read on the back bumper of a car? If not, then what is the point? Is it just to let me know what you’re thinking on the issue is? Gee thanks! I was wondering whether the random stranger in front of me is going to donate his organs when he dies…now I know.

Then you have the real winners…the bumper stickers that deal with issues so trivial and stupid that they don’t warrant any serious consideration. Let’s look at a few of the gems currently available for your viewing pleasure:

• stickers about children being on the honor roll at their elementary school



• stickers about how the person’s other car is a jet, or a fishing boat, etc



• stickers containing images of small children urinating on various car maker’s logos



• stickers warning other drivers that following too closely will result in a “booger” being flicked onto their windshield



• stickers that proclaim that you are a hunter/fisher, or having corporate logos from companies that make stereo equipment, bodywork for cars, or other miscellaneous products

Ah yes…all very important issues worthy of our attention. It’s definitely important to have a well-thought out position on whether Dodge is better than Chevy. Nothing says class like a “Calvin pissing” sticker – what a great way to reach the hearts and mind of others! And I can’t tell you how much I’ve benefited from the knowledge that, to deer hunters, “Size matters.” When you want to influence your audience, it’s good to come up with sleazy, raunchy slogans full of lewd innuendo. It’s like the mental equivalent of wearing “daisy dukes” and a tube top. What benefit we all receive from the fact that some random child did well in school! How excited we all are to finally be able to understand your passionate feelings towards the company that makes the golf balls you use…and it’s certainly going to be helpful the next time I’m wondering where you are to know that you’d “rather be fishin’”

If you spent your whole life searching the known universe to find someone who cared about your thoughts on any of these meaningless, trivial issues, do you think you’d have any success? If there’s one thing the human race has amply demonstrated, it’s that we DON’T CARE. Usually it’s a bad thing, but the knowledge of this fact just might prevent some of you sticker folks from cluttering our world up with your needless printed material. Stop wasting your money on this junk and quit broadcasting your opinions to the rest of the world.

My blog beat up your honor roll student.

Chocolate buying advice

Some of us at the office were having a discussion about vending machine candy bars and I thought it might be a good idea to share some thoughts on this with you guys. As you know, picking the right candy from the vending machine is very important…often, the mid-afternoon candy snack is the only time during the day when you don’t want to club yourself to death with your own leg, so it’s crucial that you make the right choice.

In light of this, I offer the following candy bar reviews:

Hersheys’ Milk Chocolate – 5 stars

A genuine classic and sure to please, this is a “can’t go wrong” selection. The only problem with this candy bar is that you’ll find yourself wanting more when you’re finished. Try prolonging the enjoyment by indulging slowly

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups – 5 stars

Is this the Holy Grail of the candy world? Some would say yes, and while I’m not sure I’d go that far I will say that these are incredible.

M&Ms – 4 stars peanuts, 3.5 stars plain

My personal preference is the peanut M&Ms, and I don’t care much for the regular ones unless they are drowning in a sea of ice cream. Still, these are a tried and true favorite and if you want to play it safe but are tired of the two previous selections, give these a go! Incidentally, they WILL melt in your hands (or in the backseat of your car - thanks kid!) if you hold them long enough.

Baby Ruth – 2 smelly stars

I’ve seen things that look like Baby Ruth candy bars before, and it’s not someplace pleasant. Trouble is, not only do they look like crap, but they taste like it to. These always taste stale right out of the wrapper, and there are so many peanuts in there that you really don’t get much else. Plus, pay attention to the heavy "thud" you hear when these candy bars drop from their rack...it sounds like falling lead bars. Not a good sign. Stay away at all costs.

Heath Bar – 1 star

Sorry Heath, but your candy bar tastes like warm sweat. It’s like they somehow solidified a pot of day old coffee and smothered it in chocolate. I guess they thought that people love chocolate enough to eat anything that is covered by it. They were mistaken. Maybe this is the candy bar smokers enjoy...since they can't taste anything anyways ("It tastes like chicken!") I think the makers of this candy bar forgot that candy is supposed to taste sweet and pleasant. Smash any of these you see to bits to prevent others from accidentally biting into them.

Kit Kat – 5 stars

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….(drool drool drool)

Hershey’s Take Five – 0.2 stars

Ok, this one is tough because I like the concept. Pretzels covered in caramel and chocolate – what could be better right? The problem here is that this snack violates the 50 Cent Portion Rule, which states that given the choice between a bunch of candies that I like, I will spend my 50 cents on the one that is the largest. Now with the Take Five, you get two pretzels. TWO! (that's me yelling the word "two" out loud and in a frustrated tone) Who the heck does Hershey’s think I am? How dumb would I have to be to spend 25 cents PER PRETZEL? Believe me, the first time I got one of these and discovered that it was a measly two pretzels an important vein busted in my head. It is NOT a good idea to scorn the mid-afternoon candy snack people...I will rain down blows upon your head with chocolate covered fists until my cravings pass.

That's all I have time for now...but feel free to add your own candy bar reviews…I’m going to try to free up that Twix bar dangling from C13.

Hit me please!

You know, it would be a lot easier to keep this blog updated on a daily basis if I could quit my job and work on these posts full time. Problem is, I need money to pay the bills…if only I could get enough hits on this site to do some advertising and get a sponsor who would fund my efforts…but how could I get more people hitting this site? How could I get some search engine hits?

Anyway, so last night I was watching AMERICAN IDOL on my SAMSUNG DLP TV while enjoying a refreshing COKE and eating PRINGLES when all of a sudden a commercial came on for the new and improved HONDA RIDGELINE. Needless to say, I was really impressed by it. It’s the perfect vehicle for driving around in your RAY-BAN sunglasses, listening to NORAH JONES or JACK JOHNSON or the FOO FIGHTERS or other popular bands you see on MTV or VH1 and which are often found on XM or SIRIUS SATELLITE RADIO. I’d love to drive it right over to BEST BUY to pick up the SECOND SEASON OF 24 starring KIEFER SUTHERLAND on DVD. I was surprised that I didn’t see any commercials about PARIS HILTON, MTV, PRESIDENT BUSH, MADONNA or any of the cast of SURVIVOR last night. I guess now that THE OLYMPICS are over there’s not much else worth watching on ABC, CBS, NBC or FOX, so I’ll have to start playing WORLD OF WARCRAFT and my XBOX again…or just hanging out with the family at some famous retail stores like SEARS, POTTERY BARN or PIER ONE.

So that was how my night went…not much to write about! If you have any ideas on increasing my hit count, share 'em here. I haven't thought of any yet myself.

25, 456 hits since eating my QUAKER APPLE-CINNAMON OATMEAL this morning