I swear, the next time I hear a political ad on the radio or TV I'm going to burst a vein. Nothing ticks me off worse than having my day constantly interrupted by these over-the-top propaganda blurbs, especially considering how worthless every single politician is these days. Every time I turn on the radio, I hear something like this:
“Jimmy Johnson claims to be a conservative republican, but his record tells quite a different story. While you and I struggle to make ends meet, Jimmy Johnson has been drinking liquid gold in wine glasses made from melted silver dollars while smoking hundred dollar bills and driving an SUV that gets .5 miles per gallon. He’s voted 57 times to raise taxes by 89% on the elderly…voted twice to have laws against murder taken off the books…and last year he supported legislation that would make it illegal for you to breathe. He worked against Bob Wilson and his efforts to pass the “free money for you” program so that he could keep the money for himself to spend on anabolic steroids, gambling and lawyers fees. Jimmy Johnson fights for big oil, big tobacco and everything else that’s “big” while at the same time stealing money from homeless shelters to pay for his billion dollar mansion built on top of a sacred Indian graveyard in the middle of a wildlife refuge. The people of Alabama just can’t afford four more years of Jimmy Johnson. Vote for change this November…vote for Bob Wilson, County Coroner.”
I never knew the coroner had so much influence on the affairs of this state! I never pictured them playing into the political landscape...I guess they do more than just put make-up on dead people.
You politicians want to know what you can do for me? You can implement term limits. Right now that's the MOST IMPORTANT issue on the table, because until we get you windbags to stop thinking of how you can make a career out of politics, we'll never get anyone in office who actually considers, even for one nanosecond, what would really be beneficial for his constituents.
Now get your stinking, lying, overly-dramatic, insulting-to-our-intelligence, STUPID advertisements out of our face. Whatever it is you’re selling, we aren’t buying. You’re all pathetic, and every election we merely choose the lesser of two evils. So to the winners of this year’s election I say “congratulations”. You sucked less than the other guy. How proud your parents must be.
This ad paid for by the Jeremy Conner “Smash a Politician in the Mouth” foundation
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Friday, May 19, 2006
Do you have what it takes?
Do you love having your reproductive organs sucker punched repeatedly by kid-sized fists? Do you mind answering "why?" endlessly for hours? Does wiping the butt of another human being appeal to you? Do you enjoy watching TV shows containing strange blobs of fuzzy stuff squawking out unintelligible sounds and rolling around on the floor?
If so, have your head examined...umm, I mean...WE NEED YOU! We are currently seeking bright, motivated candidates for an opening in our “Daddy” department. Those selected will find heretofore untold joy catering to a child's every whim! ("Daddy, you was SUPPOSED TO GET ME OWANGE DWINK! NOT STWAWBEWWY! I NO LIKE STWAWBEWWY")
Applicants should be married with an IQ of at least 100 and a well-developed immune system. Strong stomach and minimal gag reflex is a plus. All applicants are advised to do all the fun stuff they’ve ever wanted to do (including dates, concerts and travel) before applying for this position.
Please note that all applicants who apply for this position forfeit their right to have nice furniture and keep the walls of their house free from scuffs and scrapes.
Applicants for this position must be able to:
• Explain in detail the nuance of etiquette involved with “pooting” – i.e. that while “pooting” is a normal and natural function that is not something to be ashamed of, it is not something to be done in front of others and/or in public.
• Demonstrate proficiency removing various stains (marinara sauce, Pepsi, snot) from expensive clothing purchased just minutes ago
• Exhibit restraint under duress; for example, when asked for the 25, 467th time if a piece of chocolate may be consumed before the finishing of dinner, applicant must be able to refrain from shoving said piece of chocolate up the child’s nose.
• Function well with 4 or less hours of sleep; free themselves from the desire to sleep well on nights when there is "thunder and lightning"
• Keep tabs on the best places to eat with a child in tow; know the location of the good meal toys from fast food restaurants; map out dining facilities with crayons and loud environments.
• Retrieve French fries from hard to reach spots under car seats before they become rotten and odorous.
Salary:
Those who are accepted for this position will see an overall decrease in their net worth through a) added expenses, b) attrition of valuables through breakage and c) the purchase of larger vehicles
Benefits:
Some of the best hugs and kisses you’ve ever gotten; behavior so cute that it makes you want to puke sugar-coated strawberries; many tears of joy; a love like you’ve never experienced before; becoming younger at heart; hearing your child shout “Daddy!” when you get home
Trust me on this one folks…it’s worth it.
If so, have your head examined...umm, I mean...WE NEED YOU! We are currently seeking bright, motivated candidates for an opening in our “Daddy” department. Those selected will find heretofore untold joy catering to a child's every whim! ("Daddy, you was SUPPOSED TO GET ME OWANGE DWINK! NOT STWAWBEWWY! I NO LIKE STWAWBEWWY")
Applicants should be married with an IQ of at least 100 and a well-developed immune system. Strong stomach and minimal gag reflex is a plus. All applicants are advised to do all the fun stuff they’ve ever wanted to do (including dates, concerts and travel) before applying for this position.
Please note that all applicants who apply for this position forfeit their right to have nice furniture and keep the walls of their house free from scuffs and scrapes.
Applicants for this position must be able to:
• Explain in detail the nuance of etiquette involved with “pooting” – i.e. that while “pooting” is a normal and natural function that is not something to be ashamed of, it is not something to be done in front of others and/or in public.
• Demonstrate proficiency removing various stains (marinara sauce, Pepsi, snot) from expensive clothing purchased just minutes ago
• Exhibit restraint under duress; for example, when asked for the 25, 467th time if a piece of chocolate may be consumed before the finishing of dinner, applicant must be able to refrain from shoving said piece of chocolate up the child’s nose.
• Function well with 4 or less hours of sleep; free themselves from the desire to sleep well on nights when there is "thunder and lightning"
• Keep tabs on the best places to eat with a child in tow; know the location of the good meal toys from fast food restaurants; map out dining facilities with crayons and loud environments.
• Retrieve French fries from hard to reach spots under car seats before they become rotten and odorous.
Salary:
Those who are accepted for this position will see an overall decrease in their net worth through a) added expenses, b) attrition of valuables through breakage and c) the purchase of larger vehicles
Benefits:
Some of the best hugs and kisses you’ve ever gotten; behavior so cute that it makes you want to puke sugar-coated strawberries; many tears of joy; a love like you’ve never experienced before; becoming younger at heart; hearing your child shout “Daddy!” when you get home
Trust me on this one folks…it’s worth it.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Who needs American Idol?
Well, since they kicked the best person off of “American Idol” (No, not that stupid, no talent Chicken Little kid...I'm talking about Chris Daughtry, true rocker with a cool look that I hope to one day emulate), I have to find something else to watch now. I can’t really seem to get into “American Inventor” and am unaware of any other “American ” shows.
Maybe it’s time to debut my idea for a reality TV show – entitled “American Idiot.” The premise is that I drive around slapping stupid people who do things that no one with an IQ over 85 should do. I can see it now…
“This week on AMERICAN IDIOT…”
(Person pulls up to McDonald’s drive-thru) “Umm yeah, can you give me a minute? I’m not sure what I want.” (Enter me with a cardboard tube in hand…I begin beating said person about the head and shoulders for not knowing what they want to order at a fast food place who’s menu hasn’t changed in over 2000 years)
(Person in the checkout line at the grocery store) "Wait a second...those green peas rang up at 49 cents, but the sign said they were 47 cents. Please do a price check for me." (Enter me with a Super Soaker 2600 - the model affectionately known as "The Paint Stripper"...I begin to hose down this fool for their failure to realize that the 5 minutes they will waste getting those 2 pennies makes it a losing proposition)
(Person standing in the computer section at Best Buy) “Don’t buy a PC unless you want to get infected every day with viruses! Mac computers never get viruses! They’re so secure!” (Enter me with a twisted up wet towel in hand…I begin to redden this person's backside with a barrage of stinging pops for their failure to realize that the only reason Macintosh computers don’t have virus problems is because no one is going to waste time writing a virus for an operating system with less than 2% market share and that it has nothing to do with them being more secure.)
(Person standing in line to buy tickets to “The DaVinci Code”) “Man, I told you going to church was a waste of time! I knew they were scamming us all along. Religion is just a crutch for the weak minded!” (Enter me with a pair of Hulk Hands…I begin to deliver a series of hooks and uppercuts for this person’s unwillingness to understand what the term “fiction” means and for not bothering to do even one ounce of research on his own before building his belief system around a freaking fictional book.)
Now this sounds like some good TV!
Next week on AMERICAN IDIOT…illegal immigrants with signs saying “We’re not criminals” and the inventive ways I come up with to remind them that being illegal constitutes being a criminal.
Maybe it’s time to debut my idea for a reality TV show – entitled “American Idiot.” The premise is that I drive around slapping stupid people who do things that no one with an IQ over 85 should do. I can see it now…
“This week on AMERICAN IDIOT…”
(Person pulls up to McDonald’s drive-thru) “Umm yeah, can you give me a minute? I’m not sure what I want.” (Enter me with a cardboard tube in hand…I begin beating said person about the head and shoulders for not knowing what they want to order at a fast food place who’s menu hasn’t changed in over 2000 years)
(Person in the checkout line at the grocery store) "Wait a second...those green peas rang up at 49 cents, but the sign said they were 47 cents. Please do a price check for me." (Enter me with a Super Soaker 2600 - the model affectionately known as "The Paint Stripper"...I begin to hose down this fool for their failure to realize that the 5 minutes they will waste getting those 2 pennies makes it a losing proposition)
(Person standing in the computer section at Best Buy) “Don’t buy a PC unless you want to get infected every day with viruses! Mac computers never get viruses! They’re so secure!” (Enter me with a twisted up wet towel in hand…I begin to redden this person's backside with a barrage of stinging pops for their failure to realize that the only reason Macintosh computers don’t have virus problems is because no one is going to waste time writing a virus for an operating system with less than 2% market share and that it has nothing to do with them being more secure.)
(Person standing in line to buy tickets to “The DaVinci Code”) “Man, I told you going to church was a waste of time! I knew they were scamming us all along. Religion is just a crutch for the weak minded!” (Enter me with a pair of Hulk Hands…I begin to deliver a series of hooks and uppercuts for this person’s unwillingness to understand what the term “fiction” means and for not bothering to do even one ounce of research on his own before building his belief system around a freaking fictional book.)
Now this sounds like some good TV!
Next week on AMERICAN IDIOT…illegal immigrants with signs saying “We’re not criminals” and the inventive ways I come up with to remind them that being illegal constitutes being a criminal.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Get your rear in gear!
"What do you want to do with your life?" If your answer to this is anything other than "I wanna rock!" (a gold star to whoever can tell me the song and band I'm referring to) then check out 43Things. It's a site that helps you track your personal goals. The site will show you other people who share your goals and allows for you to interact with them (and them with you) to help complete these goals (through advice, encouragement, whatever). It will also send you reminders about your goals at intervals you specify. It's free too!
Here is my list of goals for your viewing pleasure!
Here is my list of goals for your viewing pleasure!
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
My last request
I’m usually not one for details, but when it comes to my funeral there is one condition that I am demanding be adhered to. At my funeral, no one wearing dress clothes will be allowed to attend. Everyone is to show up wearing casual clothing…shorts, t-shirts, jeans, stuff like that. If you show up in a suit, you’ll be “kicked to the curb.”
Yes, I am serious. This is what I want.
Funerals are difficult times…making someone dress up in a suit is not going to make things any easier to deal with. What does dressing up accomplish? Are you doing it for me? I’m dead! Now I’ve never been dead before (although I’ve wished it many a time during meetings at the office), but I think I can safely assume that I won’t be offended if you don’t dress up. I won’t be sitting there up in heaven with a notepad keeping track of who’s outfit didn’t coordinate at my wake. Your clothing didn't matter to me when I was alive, and death is not going to change me.
Let’s examine a suit for a minute since it's the male uniform of choice at dress up events. First you have the shirt – now the rule for the shirt is that it must be stiff and scratchy. If you accidentally buy one that isn’t stiff and scratchy, you have to apply generous amounts of starch to it so that it becomes stiff and scratchy. The shirt usually has about 758 buttons and you have to use them all, including the one for the neck of the shirt which was carefully measured and fitted for the neck of a 3 year old child. You know the shirt is ready to be put on when all the wrinkles are gone and the shirt will not bend or move without hydraulic equipment. The irony is, later on you’re going to cover the shirt up with a jacket and a tie so that no one can even see it.
Then we have the tie…I’d like to seriously sucker-punch the loser who came up with this idea. I can picture it now – some greedy tailor is sitting there at the gallows watching a man hang and thinks to himself, “You know…if that were silk it wouldn’t look half bad!” A tie is just a noose with better fabric and a decorative knot. Putting amoebas or Tabasco bottles on it doesn’t change this one bit.
And we can’t forget the shoes! Dress shoes! They have a sole in them that is about as thick as a sheet of paper, which means that your feet will hurt after exactly 3.4 seconds of standing up in them. They’re tapered at the toe end, which is strange because the human foot is not. The shoe is basically a leather funnel…which means that at the back end, you have enough room for two feet, but at the front you don’t have enough space for even half your toes. You have to stack your toes one on top of the other and it looks like the shoes are pregnant when you wear them. The leather is usually that really hard kind that will not give an inch but will scratch at even the slightest abrasion so that you can spend 3 hours applying shoe polish to wear them for 2 hours. At least now we know why they make dress socks so thin!
There are so many things wrong with the jacket and pants that I don’t even know where to start…but needless to say, good job picking fabrics that are breathable and soft.
See, I think this tradition of dressing up was started by some guy who hated everyone he knew. He wanted to get one last shot at them on his way out, so he requested that everyone dress up for his funeral. Then he made sure to die during the summer and asked to have the service outdoors. I bet if you dug that guy up, he’d still have a smile on his face.
Unlike that tool, I am very fond of my family and friends (most of them anyways) and do not want my passing to be a time of suffering. I will be at home with my Lord and Savior in a place greater than our imagination is capable of reaching. You guys will be stuck here on this miserable planet with your lying loser politicians and your inadequate public schools and your ignorant masses. Why should I add to your misery by asking you to dress up? I won’t do it – I just don’t have the heart.
The bouncers at my funeral will be armed with an overly starched pair of dress socks that I wore for several hours during the outdoor wedding I attended last July, and will flail you with them should you try to enter wearing dress clothes.
Yes, I am serious. This is what I want.
Funerals are difficult times…making someone dress up in a suit is not going to make things any easier to deal with. What does dressing up accomplish? Are you doing it for me? I’m dead! Now I’ve never been dead before (although I’ve wished it many a time during meetings at the office), but I think I can safely assume that I won’t be offended if you don’t dress up. I won’t be sitting there up in heaven with a notepad keeping track of who’s outfit didn’t coordinate at my wake. Your clothing didn't matter to me when I was alive, and death is not going to change me.
Let’s examine a suit for a minute since it's the male uniform of choice at dress up events. First you have the shirt – now the rule for the shirt is that it must be stiff and scratchy. If you accidentally buy one that isn’t stiff and scratchy, you have to apply generous amounts of starch to it so that it becomes stiff and scratchy. The shirt usually has about 758 buttons and you have to use them all, including the one for the neck of the shirt which was carefully measured and fitted for the neck of a 3 year old child. You know the shirt is ready to be put on when all the wrinkles are gone and the shirt will not bend or move without hydraulic equipment. The irony is, later on you’re going to cover the shirt up with a jacket and a tie so that no one can even see it.
Then we have the tie…I’d like to seriously sucker-punch the loser who came up with this idea. I can picture it now – some greedy tailor is sitting there at the gallows watching a man hang and thinks to himself, “You know…if that were silk it wouldn’t look half bad!” A tie is just a noose with better fabric and a decorative knot. Putting amoebas or Tabasco bottles on it doesn’t change this one bit.
And we can’t forget the shoes! Dress shoes! They have a sole in them that is about as thick as a sheet of paper, which means that your feet will hurt after exactly 3.4 seconds of standing up in them. They’re tapered at the toe end, which is strange because the human foot is not. The shoe is basically a leather funnel…which means that at the back end, you have enough room for two feet, but at the front you don’t have enough space for even half your toes. You have to stack your toes one on top of the other and it looks like the shoes are pregnant when you wear them. The leather is usually that really hard kind that will not give an inch but will scratch at even the slightest abrasion so that you can spend 3 hours applying shoe polish to wear them for 2 hours. At least now we know why they make dress socks so thin!
There are so many things wrong with the jacket and pants that I don’t even know where to start…but needless to say, good job picking fabrics that are breathable and soft.
See, I think this tradition of dressing up was started by some guy who hated everyone he knew. He wanted to get one last shot at them on his way out, so he requested that everyone dress up for his funeral. Then he made sure to die during the summer and asked to have the service outdoors. I bet if you dug that guy up, he’d still have a smile on his face.
Unlike that tool, I am very fond of my family and friends (most of them anyways) and do not want my passing to be a time of suffering. I will be at home with my Lord and Savior in a place greater than our imagination is capable of reaching. You guys will be stuck here on this miserable planet with your lying loser politicians and your inadequate public schools and your ignorant masses. Why should I add to your misery by asking you to dress up? I won’t do it – I just don’t have the heart.
The bouncers at my funeral will be armed with an overly starched pair of dress socks that I wore for several hours during the outdoor wedding I attended last July, and will flail you with them should you try to enter wearing dress clothes.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Alien Stomach Bug!
Sorry for the delay in updates folks…my entire family was savaged this past week by one of the worst stomach viruses I have ever seen. It lasted into the weekend, and last night was the first time in 5 days my daughter hasn’t puked.
My child’s pediatrician is lucky to be alive today. Nothing bothers me more than seeing my daughter sick – it breaks my heart into so many little pieces. I wanted nothing more than to make her feel better these past few days. So imagine my surprise when the doctor, after talking to them for the second time, offers us some medicine that can help her stop puking! See, we called them after my daughter had thrown up 16 times – yes, 16 times – the first 10 hours she had this bug, and they gave us the standard doctor answer of “Yeah, we just need to let it run it’s course. It will go away soon. There’s nothing we can do but make sure she stays hydrated.” Then, two days later we called back because she was still throwing up, and they said “Here, take this medicine that will stop her from throwing up.”
As flames burst forth from my eyes and I began loading my pistol, a single thought began to dominate the entirety of my mind – “WHY IN THE HECK DIDN’T YOU GIVE THIS TO ME SOONER YOU INDIFFERENT LITTLE FREAK?” (well, the thought was similar to this...I can't post what I was actually thinking...)
I can’t figure these doctors out. Why is it that sometimes, they can’t wait to do more tests and prescribe more medications and recommend more stupid procedures – while other times they have stuff that can make you feel better but are reluctant to give it to you? Could it be that the stuff they like to prescribe costs $100 for a months worth, while the anti-nausea medicine was only $10? In the immortal words of Lucy from the Peanut’s gang, “I oughta slug you.”
Do doctors have a secret deal with Gatorade? "You suffered major head trauma in a car accident? Well, we need to hold off on doing anything major for now...just be sure to keep plenty of fluids in you and call us back if the pain doesn't subside in 2 days."
My child’s pediatrician is lucky to be alive today. Nothing bothers me more than seeing my daughter sick – it breaks my heart into so many little pieces. I wanted nothing more than to make her feel better these past few days. So imagine my surprise when the doctor, after talking to them for the second time, offers us some medicine that can help her stop puking! See, we called them after my daughter had thrown up 16 times – yes, 16 times – the first 10 hours she had this bug, and they gave us the standard doctor answer of “Yeah, we just need to let it run it’s course. It will go away soon. There’s nothing we can do but make sure she stays hydrated.” Then, two days later we called back because she was still throwing up, and they said “Here, take this medicine that will stop her from throwing up.”
As flames burst forth from my eyes and I began loading my pistol, a single thought began to dominate the entirety of my mind – “WHY IN THE HECK DIDN’T YOU GIVE THIS TO ME SOONER YOU INDIFFERENT LITTLE FREAK?” (well, the thought was similar to this...I can't post what I was actually thinking...)
I can’t figure these doctors out. Why is it that sometimes, they can’t wait to do more tests and prescribe more medications and recommend more stupid procedures – while other times they have stuff that can make you feel better but are reluctant to give it to you? Could it be that the stuff they like to prescribe costs $100 for a months worth, while the anti-nausea medicine was only $10? In the immortal words of Lucy from the Peanut’s gang, “I oughta slug you.”
Do doctors have a secret deal with Gatorade? "You suffered major head trauma in a car accident? Well, we need to hold off on doing anything major for now...just be sure to keep plenty of fluids in you and call us back if the pain doesn't subside in 2 days."
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