Alien technology

Alien technology

What I am about to share with you could cost me my life…

For many years, men have assumed that women were actually aliens from another planet.  In the past, this notion was based on the fact that their mannerisms and thought processes were incomprehensible to our gender, and that our attempts to bridge this gap via oral communication have failed.  We have always lacked the necessary proof to confirm this theory - until now. 

Behold, the torturous devices of our would-be alien captors!

I have yet to discover the true purpose of this insidious device, but it is most certainly used to extract information from their human slaves!  Based on the appearance of this item, I am led to believe that our modern day salad tongs were developed by the government after years of studying one of these devices.

Notice what appear to be instructions directing the aliens on how to use these devices on your eyes!  I can’t be sure, but it looks like some of these have tips that are meant to be coated with shimmering alien moon dust and then used to apply that substance to your eyelids.  This substance forces you to keep your eyes open (thus forcing you to stay awake) while they ravage your mind with tales of trips to the alien shopping mall and the latest dirt on their “best friend” Xua-Ti who was seen parsing nanotechnology with the Intergalactic postman. 

This device is used to rip the very skin off your body!  Notice the grated metal surface, designed to inflict as much pain as possible per square inch of flesh!

This substance is the alien equivalent of marinade.  It’s applied liberally to the skin and softens us up so that we are easier to eat and digest.  The ladle ensures a consistent, even coating, and the honey bamboo flavoring helps ensure that we don’t taste like chicken.

Out of everything I discovered, it was this device that scared me the most.  An electrical current is put through the metal rod at the end, causing it to become extremely hot.  The aliens will then place this device on the edge of the sink in your bathroom, dangling precariously over the water below, in hopes that you will try to grab the device in an attempt to put it away.  The design hides the fact that the metal rod is over 1,243 degrees Fahrenheit, and you therefore have no idea that grabbing it will melt your hands off.  You grab the device, are severely burned and scarred, and in the process knock the device into the sink (that just happens to be full of water).  Upon retrieving the device from the sink you are electrocuted to death.  We are dealing with a highly advanced intelligence here folks – do not underestimate them!  

When the war finally begins, this is the weapon you’ll see the aliens wielding.  These devices use “ions” to melt their targets with extreme heat and deafening noise.  Some models contain “diffusers”, which I can only guess means that they destroy their targets on a molecular level when these attachments are applied.

So the next time your wife tells you that she’s “getting ready”, you better ask yourself exactly what it is she’s getting ready for.

For crying out loud, how long does it take you to get your hair fixed up!  It’s been two hours!  We have reservations in 5 minutes and we’re not even out the door yet!  Exactly how much hair do you have?  I mean, it’s like a…hey…wait a minute…what are you doing…NO, NOT THE DIFFUSER!!! AAHHHHHH-

Calling my insurance company

Calling my insurance company

Thank you for calling your crappy insurance company, how may I help you today?

Yeah, I am a paying customer who sends you lots of money every month so that I can have coverage when I need to go to the doctor.  I’m calling because you require me to get your approval prior to using the insurance I’m paying you for each month, because you’ve told me that if I don’t ask you beforehand you won’t cover me.  So, before I use my health insurance I’m calling to ask you whether or not I can use my health insurance.  The same insurance I’m paying you for.

Ok sir, I’ll need to get your ID number please so that I can look up your information.

Sure, my ID number is KDP3459874312JR52323453218GG21000000000000008.  Thanks for making that impossible to remember so that I’m practically doomed if I ever lose my insurance card.

Can you please give me the name of the physician that you are planning to see? 

Sure, it’s Dr. James Thompson.

I’m showing an address of 123 Stupid Drive, Nowhere AL for Dr. Thompson, is this correct?

Well, that’s one of his offices, but I see him at a different location.  Same guy, just a different building, but that’s no big deal right?

Actually sir, unless you see him at the location I gave you we cannot consider him to be in our network.  The address you see him at is not covered in our network.

So…even though it’s the same guy, the building that I receive treatment at determines whether or not you consider him to be in your “network”?  I thought doctors were let into your network based on their credentials and quality of service, but based on what you’re telling me it’s just where they’re located?

Yes sir, that’s correct.

Wow, that sure is an incredibly stupid way to determine which doctors you prefer your customers to see.  So what type of coverage will I have seeing a doctor who’s in your network but not really due to stupid geography?

Well sir, if you were to see a doctor in the network, you would receive coverage for up to 80% of the total bill minus the cosign of the average speed of light divided by 3 – with a a $250 deductible, of course. 

Ok…I’ll just act like I understood that…so what about this case where the doctor is not in the “network”?

For a doctor that is out of network, you will receive coverage for up to 50% of the total bill provided that those charges are directly related to  matters of national security OR that those charges can be attributed to damage related to being probed by aliens – with a $7,895 deductible. 

Uhh…what?  That’s basically no coverage!  I’ll have to pay the entire cost out of my own pocket to see a doctor that’s in your network but in the wrong building when I see him – and while I’m paying for this I’m still cutting you a check every month for the health insurance that I can’t use?

Yes sir that’s correct.  We urge our customers to use physicians in the network.  If you can’t find or use a physician in the network, we urge you to go curl up in a corner and die.  Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Just one more thing…can you give me directions to get to your facility in terms that a pilot could clearly understand?  A stealth bomber pilot, for example?

Yes, this was based on an actual experience I had this week.

My eyeballs just threw up...

My eyeballs just threw up...

I am in Seattle right now sitting in my hotel room...I'm here for a technical conference so I'm not really blogging this week or doing much of anything this week (except for attending lectures, avoiding eye contact with other geeks like myself so I don't have to feign interest in their lives and talk to them, and eating the most overpriced room service food in the history of the world, which also happens to taste like refried aardvark eggs slathered in goat butter).

However, something happened on my flight up here that I felt compelled to blog about immediately.

American Airlines decided to show a movie during our 4 1/2 hour flight from Dallas to Seattle, you know, to help us forget about the inhumane conditions on these flights that we had to endure. I mean come on...were these airlines expecting 12 year old girls to be their only passengers? Because no way were those seats and rows designed for regular adults! And then there's the whole "Hey when I flush the toilet it's like I'm opening a hole outside the plane is this going to compromise the cabin pressure" thing...but I'm getting off subject here.

Anyway, they showed a movie, and for reasons that can only be described as the most pure form of evil ever exhibited they decided to show a movie called "Mamma Mia!".

I don't know who green lighted this movie, but whoever it was needs to be forced to eat spinach-stuffed liver steaks for every single meal for the rest of their lives. This was BY FAR the worst piece of crap I've ever laid eyes on, and if you read this blog at all you know that's saying a lot. I was so disgusted that I wanted to take one of those HAZMAT showers where they chemically cleanse your skin, which looks very painful but was the only thing I could think of to remove the overwhelming stench of failure off of me after having witnessed bits and pieces of this movie when I couldn't properly and completely avert my eyes.

Every time I looked up at the screen, people were dancing around like some sort of stinkin' musical, giving each other goofy looks and overemphasizing every little facial expression. It was like they thought the audience was on the moon, and so when they smiled or gave someone a look they had to do it really big and really hard so that people five trillion miles away would recognize what they were doing. Apparently, two stupid kids wanted to get married or something, and these two stupid kids had even more stupid parents and relatives who felt the need to communicate solely via poorly performed song and dance. Incidentally, have you EVER ONCE seen anyone talk to their family and friends by dancing around singing to them? Where did this concept come from? No one does this in real life because it's so cheesy and corny that anyone witnessing you do it would collectively and instantaneously kick your butt for it. STOP DOING IT IN MOVIES. Why? Because it's dumb and it angers me.

Speaking of stuff that angers me, I HATE when movie titles have exclamation! points! in! them! It's so ridiculously stupid...the movie is not "Mamma Mia"...it's "Mamma Mia!", like adding that exclamation point will be the deciding factor in whether or not millions of idiots flock to the box office to see this garbage. Of course, given the content of the movie, their target group might have been the mentally deficient. Stupid exclamation point..."HEY FREAKING MAMMA MIA!!! WOO HOO YEAH MAMMA MIA CAUSE WE'RE EXCITED HERE AND WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO BE FULL OF ENERGY AND SPUNK AND LOTS OF FUN DANCING AROUND AND STUPID OUTFITS AND FAILED ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR THAT ONLY THE ELDERLY OR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE WOULD FIND FUNNY!"

Don't even try to post comments here about how you liked the movie. This movie is the 10th degree black belt head instructor at the "Dojo of the Almighty Suck". If I were an actor in this movie, I'd sue to have any evidence of my involvement expunged from the annals of history.

Who in the world came up with the spelling for aardvark? Why is the letter "a" in there twice up front? What freaking purpose in the world does that serve except for to confound our efforts to correctly spell it? I'm telling you right now, someone did that on purpose.