Friday, February 13, 2009

Alien technology

What I am about to share with you could cost me my life…

For many years, men have assumed that women were actually aliens from another planet.  In the past, this notion was based on the fact that their mannerisms and thought processes were incomprehensible to our gender, and that our attempts to bridge this gap via oral communication have failed.  We have always lacked the necessary proof to confirm this theory - until now. 

Behold, the torturous devices of our would-be alien captors!


I have yet to discover the true purpose of this insidious device, but it is most certainly used to extract information from their human slaves!  Based on the appearance of this item, I am led to believe that our modern day salad tongs were developed by the government after years of studying one of these devices.


Notice what appear to be instructions directing the aliens on how to use these devices on your eyes!  I can’t be sure, but it looks like some of these have tips that are meant to be coated with shimmering alien moon dust and then used to apply that substance to your eyelids.  This substance forces you to keep your eyes open (thus forcing you to stay awake) while they ravage your mind with tales of trips to the alien shopping mall and the latest dirt on their “best friend” Xua-Ti who was seen parsing nanotechnology with the Intergalactic postman. 


This device is used to rip the very skin off your body!  Notice the grated metal surface, designed to inflict as much pain as possible per square inch of flesh!


This substance is the alien equivalent of marinade.  It’s applied liberally to the skin and softens us up so that we are easier to eat and digest.  The ladle ensures a consistent, even coating, and the honey bamboo flavoring helps ensure that we don’t taste like chicken.


Out of everything I discovered, it was this device that scared me the most.  An electrical current is put through the metal rod at the end, causing it to become extremely hot.  The aliens will then place this device on the edge of the sink in your bathroom, dangling precariously over the water below, in hopes that you will try to grab the device in an attempt to put it away.  The design hides the fact that the metal rod is over 1,243 degrees Fahrenheit, and you therefore have no idea that grabbing it will melt your hands off.  You grab the device, are severely burned and scarred, and in the process knock the device into the sink (that just happens to be full of water).  Upon retrieving the device from the sink you are electrocuted to death.  We are dealing with a highly advanced intelligence here folks – do not underestimate them!  


When the war finally begins, this is the weapon you’ll see the aliens wielding.  These devices use “ions” to melt their targets with extreme heat and deafening noise.  Some models contain “diffusers”, which I can only guess means that they destroy their targets on a molecular level when these attachments are applied.

So the next time your wife tells you that she’s “getting ready”, you better ask yourself exactly what it is she’s getting ready for.

For crying out loud, how long does it take you to get your hair fixed up!  It’s been two hours!  We have reservations in 5 minutes and we’re not even out the door yet!  Exactly how much hair do you have?  I mean, it’s like a…hey…wait a minute…what are you doing…NO, NOT THE DIFFUSER!!! AAHHHHHH-

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Calling my insurance company

Thank you for calling your crappy insurance company, how may I help you today?

Yeah, I am a paying customer who sends you lots of money every month so that I can have coverage when I need to go to the doctor.  I’m calling because you require me to get your approval prior to using the insurance I’m paying you for each month, because you’ve told me that if I don’t ask you beforehand you won’t cover me.  So, before I use my health insurance I’m calling to ask you whether or not I can use my health insurance.  The same insurance I’m paying you for.

Ok sir, I’ll need to get your ID number please so that I can look up your information.

Sure, my ID number is KDP3459874312JR52323453218GG21000000000000008.  Thanks for making that impossible to remember so that I’m practically doomed if I ever lose my insurance card.

Can you please give me the name of the physician that you are planning to see? 

Sure, it’s Dr. James Thompson.

I’m showing an address of 123 Stupid Drive, Nowhere AL for Dr. Thompson, is this correct?

Well, that’s one of his offices, but I see him at a different location.  Same guy, just a different building, but that’s no big deal right?

Actually sir, unless you see him at the location I gave you we cannot consider him to be in our network.  The address you see him at is not covered in our network.

So…even though it’s the same guy, the building that I receive treatment at determines whether or not you consider him to be in your “network”?  I thought doctors were let into your network based on their credentials and quality of service, but based on what you’re telling me it’s just where they’re located?

Yes sir, that’s correct.

Wow, that sure is an incredibly stupid way to determine which doctors you prefer your customers to see.  So what type of coverage will I have seeing a doctor who’s in your network but not really due to stupid geography?

Well sir, if you were to see a doctor in the network, you would receive coverage for up to 80% of the total bill minus the cosign of the average speed of light divided by 3 – with a a $250 deductible, of course. 

Ok…I’ll just act like I understood that…so what about this case where the doctor is not in the “network”?

For a doctor that is out of network, you will receive coverage for up to 50% of the total bill provided that those charges are directly related to  matters of national security OR that those charges can be attributed to damage related to being probed by aliens – with a $7,895 deductible. 

Uhh…what?  That’s basically no coverage!  I’ll have to pay the entire cost out of my own pocket to see a doctor that’s in your network but in the wrong building when I see him – and while I’m paying for this I’m still cutting you a check every month for the health insurance that I can’t use?

Yes sir that’s correct.  We urge our customers to use physicians in the network.  If you can’t find or use a physician in the network, we urge you to go curl up in a corner and die.  Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Just one more thing…can you give me directions to get to your facility in terms that a pilot could clearly understand?  A stealth bomber pilot, for example?

Yes, this was based on an actual experience I had this week.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

My eyeballs just threw up...

I am in Seattle right now sitting in my hotel room...I'm here for a technical conference so I'm not really blogging this week or doing much of anything this week (except for attending lectures, avoiding eye contact with other geeks like myself so I don't have to feign interest in their lives and talk to them, and eating the most overpriced room service food in the history of the world, which also happens to taste like refried aardvark eggs slathered in goat butter).

However, something happened on my flight up here that I felt compelled to blog about immediately.

American Airlines decided to show a movie during our 4 1/2 hour flight from Dallas to Seattle, you know, to help us forget about the inhumane conditions on these flights that we had to endure. I mean come on...were these airlines expecting 12 year old girls to be their only passengers? Because no way were those seats and rows designed for regular adults! And then there's the whole "Hey when I flush the toilet it's like I'm opening a hole outside the plane is this going to compromise the cabin pressure" thing...but I'm getting off subject here.

Anyway, they showed a movie, and for reasons that can only be described as the most pure form of evil ever exhibited they decided to show a movie called "Mamma Mia!".

I don't know who green lighted this movie, but whoever it was needs to be forced to eat spinach-stuffed liver steaks for every single meal for the rest of their lives. This was BY FAR the worst piece of crap I've ever laid eyes on, and if you read this blog at all you know that's saying a lot. I was so disgusted that I wanted to take one of those HAZMAT showers where they chemically cleanse your skin, which looks very painful but was the only thing I could think of to remove the overwhelming stench of failure off of me after having witnessed bits and pieces of this movie when I couldn't properly and completely avert my eyes.

Every time I looked up at the screen, people were dancing around like some sort of stinkin' musical, giving each other goofy looks and overemphasizing every little facial expression. It was like they thought the audience was on the moon, and so when they smiled or gave someone a look they had to do it really big and really hard so that people five trillion miles away would recognize what they were doing. Apparently, two stupid kids wanted to get married or something, and these two stupid kids had even more stupid parents and relatives who felt the need to communicate solely via poorly performed song and dance. Incidentally, have you EVER ONCE seen anyone talk to their family and friends by dancing around singing to them? Where did this concept come from? No one does this in real life because it's so cheesy and corny that anyone witnessing you do it would collectively and instantaneously kick your butt for it. STOP DOING IT IN MOVIES. Why? Because it's dumb and it angers me.

Speaking of stuff that angers me, I HATE when movie titles have exclamation! points! in! them! It's so ridiculously stupid...the movie is not "Mamma Mia"'s "Mamma Mia!", like adding that exclamation point will be the deciding factor in whether or not millions of idiots flock to the box office to see this garbage. Of course, given the content of the movie, their target group might have been the mentally deficient. Stupid exclamation point..."HEY FREAKING MAMMA MIA!!! WOO HOO YEAH MAMMA MIA CAUSE WE'RE EXCITED HERE AND WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO BE FULL OF ENERGY AND SPUNK AND LOTS OF FUN DANCING AROUND AND STUPID OUTFITS AND FAILED ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR THAT ONLY THE ELDERLY OR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE WOULD FIND FUNNY!"

Don't even try to post comments here about how you liked the movie. This movie is the 10th degree black belt head instructor at the "Dojo of the Almighty Suck". If I were an actor in this movie, I'd sue to have any evidence of my involvement expunged from the annals of history.

Who in the world came up with the spelling for aardvark? Why is the letter "a" in there twice up front? What freaking purpose in the world does that serve except for to confound our efforts to correctly spell it? I'm telling you right now, someone did that on purpose.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Useless questions?

There are some questions that don’t need to be asked because the answers are obvious. 

“Doctor, is this going to hurt?”

The answer is always yes, it will hurt.  If you ask the doctor this question, and he says “No, it won’t hurt”, he’s lying through his teeth.  How can it not hurt?  They use popsicle sticks and needles and rubber tubing to go places humans are not supposed to be able to go with regard to the body of another person.  Now on the other hand, if you ask the doctor this question and he says “Yes, it’s going to hurt some” then GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE!  For the doctor to admit that there will be pain involved means that the pain will be so great that even he feels bad about lying to you about it.  If the doctor says it will hurt, there are probably going to be bone saws and transfusions involved, and in the end isn’t that just as bad as whatever malady has brought you in there in the first place?  Also, never ever forget the “curiosity” factor – doctors LOVE to go on walkabout inside your colon anytime they can just to see what’s in there.  They’ll take any reason they can to crack you open and poke around. 

“So what was wrong with my car?”

For most of us, cars are machines too complex to understand…so why do we waste time acting like we’re going to understand what the mechanic tells us when we take our car in for repairs?  It’s like we’re going to evaluate what he says and make sure he’s telling us the truth, but the only truth here is that this guy could tell us almost anything and we’d just have to sit there nodding our heads like we approve of what he’s telling us.  Basically, when you go to the mechanic, the agreement is that you give them an exorbitant amount of cash and they make your car work again.  It’s really that simple.  If you expect anything more, like to be treated fairly or to understand the value of the work they’ve done compared to the amount of money you paid them, you are in for major disappointment.  Next time, just walk in and pay the bill, and when they start blabbing to you about how they repaired the “nuclear quantiplexer valve” just tell them to shut up.  Save them the trouble and potential guilt involved in having to lie to you.

“Are you mad at me?”

Yes I am.  If you are asking this, it’s either because a) the person you are asking is visibly angry, in which case you already have your answer, or b) you have done something that would, under normal circumstances, tick a person off.  Don’t bother asking.  Now for you ladies out there – sometimes you ask your man this question prematurely when nothing has happened and he’s not visibly angry.  The answer is still “yes” though, because if he wasn’t mad at you before you asked this question, he’s mad at you now for asking it for like the 1 millionth freaking time.  If you want to make sure he’s not mad at you without having to repeatedly ask, just get him a bowl of ice cream anytime you’re not sure.  If for some reason he’s mad at you, he’ll forget all about it as he indulges in the tasty treat you served up (but be careful not to get crappy ice cream, that will just anger him further and will show that you don’t really care).  I know this sounds kind of shallow, and you’re probably wondering if guys are really this easy to satiate.  The answer to that question is also “yes”.  You could run over my cat with a tank and I’d forget about it within 30 seconds of your giving me a cool Transformer or a new Xbox360 game.

“Have you ever tried Broccoli the way I fix it?”

This question is irrelevant because Broccoli sucks no matter how it is prepared.  Don’t think for one minute that you have found some ancient secret that will negate the butt-tastic taste of this or any other of the vegetables that look like shrubbery or seaweed, because you have NOT.  There are some things that are universally true and there’s no way you can change them.  Country music will lower your IQ with it’s mind-numbingly stupid lyrics.  Stupid people will rubberneck and slow traffic on your side of the interstate for wrecks on the other side of the interstate.  Politicians and lawyers will always be criminals.  And yes, your Broccoli sucks no matter what you do to it.  So don’t force your guests to lie to your face about how good it tastes…if you are going to serve it (and I don’t see why you would) just know that it tastes freaking awful!  Oh, and you can pretty much replace Broccoli with any other vegetable and this all still holds true.   

Should the author of this blog continue to act like a crotchety, grumpy old fart or should he be more positive and uplifting?

Well, I know which way is more fun for me, so…

“Do I like it?  DO I LIKE IT?  WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK?  I don’t care how much molten cheese and ranch dressing you’ve dripped on that stuff, your ‘Spinach-wrapped Cauliflower Bundles’ are freaking terrible!  What are you doing serving this crap to me?  Are we even friends anymore?  What did I do to upset you to the point that you’d try to get me to eat bushes?  I need a tube of Pringles STAT!”

Friday, November 07, 2008

Incoming Text Message: You Suck

Texting – ok, I get that this is something many of you consider to be cool, and I’m a technology guy so I can appreciate it to an extent.  The problem is when technology and stupidity merge in an unholy matrimony of electrodes and brain farts, and no phenomenon demonstrates this better than people who obsess over cell phone texting. 

I don’t know about you, but the thing I love the most about people who use their cell phones to text message is the OBNOXIOUSLY ANNOYING and INCESSANT stream of beeps and noises that are produced each and every time they receive a text!  Exactly where do you people find these irritating ringtones at?  I wasn’t aware that the sounds of giant robots puking up badgers was available in 50 decibel format!  I didn’t know that you could obtain a 10 minute loop of the most irritating computer noises ever heard and have it play each time your idiot friend sends you a text to let you know about the most mundane events of his life (“I jst exhaled, getN ready 2 inhale now”)!  If you’re actively texting someone, you know you’re going to get a new message every 45 seconds…do we have to hear that INFERNAL racket each and every time it happens?  You don’t need to be notified at this point!  Turn that freaking noise off or risk having that flip-phone jammed sideways up your chute. 

Oh, and please note that texting does not make you appear to be cool and sophisticated.  I say this because I think many of you who text message frequently are desperate for the entire world to know that you are texting and that you text and that some other person is sending you text messages and that you are responding to text messages and that they are funny and full of “OMG” moments.  You think that when we see you sitting there gawking wide-eyed at your miniscule telephone screen, mouth agape, giggling like a 5 year old, that we’re saying to ourselves, “Wow, this person must be VERY popular – everyone wants to talk to him/her every single minute of their lives!  He/She is SOOOOO connected!”  But what we’re really thinking is that you’re not smart enough to realize that the object you’re receiving text messages on is capable of making ACTUAL PHONE CALLS during which you could talk with your voice to the person you wish to communicate with!  We’re wondering why you’d rather spend countless minutes typing barely comprehensible fragments of thought (“OMG u have to IM me L8R u will not bleev what Kevin jus did!”) on a keyboard that’s roughly the size of a bubble gum wrapper instead of just calling them.  Just stop rolling around in your chair faking fits of laughter and making all sorts of over the top facial expressions designed to get our attention and just type your stupid nonsensical message in quiet.       

Perhaps the worst offense cell phone “texties” commit is when they start keying in stuff right in the middle of a conversation they’re having with you.  If you and I are talking and I suddenly pull out a book and start reading it while pretending to still pay attention to you, wouldn’t you be a bit upset?  What sort of message would my actions send to you?  That you bore me more  than watching elderly snails race uphill with ankle weights on?  The thing is, you disrespectfully interrupt a conversation with a living, breathing person who’s right in front of you so that you can respond to your BFF who’s just texted you with the life altering news that she’s going to go pour herself a diet Coke.  It’s like you think that since you’re not actually talking on the phone it’s not interrupting anyone because it’s not a real conversation with a real person.  You’re just texting, right?  Wrong.  It’s rude, it’s stupid and you need to be pushed into a vat of steaming hot mustard greens for doing it.   

I deffo nd 2 gt d "Roomful of Screaming Babies" rngtone so dat IL B sure 2no wen u txt me!

(Check out for a translator that will help you understand and communicate with your text message obsessed buddies!)