What I am about to share with you could cost me my life…
For many years, men have assumed that women were actually aliens from another planet. In the past, this notion was based on the fact that their mannerisms and thought processes were incomprehensible to our gender, and that our attempts to bridge this gap via oral communication have failed. We have always lacked the necessary proof to confirm this theory - until now.
Behold, the torturous devices of our would-be alien captors!
I have yet to discover the true purpose of this insidious device, but it is most certainly used to extract information from their human slaves! Based on the appearance of this item, I am led to believe that our modern day salad tongs were developed by the government after years of studying one of these devices.
Notice what appear to be instructions directing the aliens on how to use these devices on your eyes! I can’t be sure, but it looks like some of these have tips that are meant to be coated with shimmering alien moon dust and then used to apply that substance to your eyelids. This substance forces you to keep your eyes open (thus forcing you to stay awake) while they ravage your mind with tales of trips to the alien shopping mall and the latest dirt on their “best friend” Xua-Ti who was seen parsing nanotechnology with the Intergalactic postman.
This device is used to rip the very skin off your body! Notice the grated metal surface, designed to inflict as much pain as possible per square inch of flesh!
This substance is the alien equivalent of marinade. It’s applied liberally to the skin and softens us up so that we are easier to eat and digest. The ladle ensures a consistent, even coating, and the honey bamboo flavoring helps ensure that we don’t taste like chicken.
Out of everything I discovered, it was this device that scared me the most. An electrical current is put through the metal rod at the end, causing it to become extremely hot. The aliens will then place this device on the edge of the sink in your bathroom, dangling precariously over the water below, in hopes that you will try to grab the device in an attempt to put it away. The design hides the fact that the metal rod is over 1,243 degrees Fahrenheit, and you therefore have no idea that grabbing it will melt your hands off. You grab the device, are severely burned and scarred, and in the process knock the device into the sink (that just happens to be full of water). Upon retrieving the device from the sink you are electrocuted to death. We are dealing with a highly advanced intelligence here folks – do not underestimate them!
When the war finally begins, this is the weapon you’ll see the aliens wielding. These devices use “ions” to melt their targets with extreme heat and deafening noise. Some models contain “diffusers”, which I can only guess means that they destroy their targets on a molecular level when these attachments are applied.
So the next time your wife tells you that she’s “getting ready”, you better ask yourself exactly what it is she’s getting ready for.
For crying out loud, how long does it take you to get your hair fixed up! It’s been two hours! We have reservations in 5 minutes and we’re not even out the door yet! Exactly how much hair do you have? I mean, it’s like a…hey…wait a minute…what are you doing…NO, NOT THE DIFFUSER!!! AAHHHHHH-