In just a few short days, my son will make his entrance into this world of ours. As I think about this wonderful event, many thoughts flow through my mind as to what it will be like to have another child running around the house.
What I love is how as parents we all strive to say things about the newborn experience that are socially acceptable. We try to act like we’re all upbeat and positive, but anyone who’s had a kid before knows what is really going on inside a parent’s head moments before the child arrives…
“I can’t wait to see him! I wonder what he’ll look like.”
Translation: Man I hope this kid’s not ugly.
“With the way he’s kicking inside my wife’s tummy, I’m sure he’ll be good at sports!”
Translation: I wonder how many times this one will kick me in the nuts.
“I hope he commits his life to faithful service to God.”
Translation: Yeah, he’s going to be a little hellion. Great.
“It’ll be great for my daughter to have a playmate.”
Translation: Heaven help him if he so much as touches her “Littlest Pet Shop.”
“What will his interests be?”
Translation: Please, please don’t let him be into figure skating!
“It won’t be too bad having to change diapers again for a while.”
Translation: He’s gonna crap on me…I just know it.
The worst is when you forget to properly fasten that diaper. Nothing ruins a special moment like getting poop on you. “Hush little baby, don’t say a word…daddy’s gonna buy you a...hey what the...AWWWWW MAN!”
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
What's wrong with this pizza?
Things have been crazy at our house lately, and last night we decided to just grab a frozen pizza from the store to eat for dinner. We’ve been buying the “California Pizza Kitchen” variety of pizzas lately, primarily because we like their Marguerite Pizzas. This time, however, my wife accidentally grabbed a “Garlic Chicken” pizza – we hadn’t tried this kind yet, and figured “Hey…how bad can it be?”
Well, on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, I'd give this pizza a score of WARMED UP CHEESE-COVERED SLICES OF DEATH. (I don't know the numerical ratings equivalent of that) The only redeeming quality of this pizza is that it will have you praying in mere seconds after your first bite - granted, what you'll be praying for is a swift end to your suffering, but it's better than not praying at all, right? In all honesty, it's the only reason I can see God allowing something this bad to be created and sold.
Incidentally (and keep in mind that I’m no marketing expert), should you be selling a pizza that tastes like butt? Not just regular ole’ butt either…we’re talking about roasted butt with a side order of dirty diapers and a tall glass of armpit. I mean, is there a market for food like this? Was this pizza ever taste-tested before going to market? How can a company claim to have quality assurance procedures in place and at the same time allow a pizza like this to be made and sold?
What made it worse was that I couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth! I just started chugging stuff…water, apple juice, bleach, cheap whiskey, plutonium…but nothing worked. I went to brush my teeth, and my toothbrush jumped out of the drawer and made a break for the toilet – I guess it figured whatever was in there would be more welcome than whatever was in my mouth.
In short, I hate these pizzas and suggest you avoid them like grim death.
The only reason I could EVER see firing up another one of these pizzas is if the in-laws are coming over for dinner...just hide all the toilet paper, serve the pizza, and let the fun begin! Just make sure you don't eat any of it yourself...
Well, on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, I'd give this pizza a score of WARMED UP CHEESE-COVERED SLICES OF DEATH. (I don't know the numerical ratings equivalent of that) The only redeeming quality of this pizza is that it will have you praying in mere seconds after your first bite - granted, what you'll be praying for is a swift end to your suffering, but it's better than not praying at all, right? In all honesty, it's the only reason I can see God allowing something this bad to be created and sold.
Incidentally (and keep in mind that I’m no marketing expert), should you be selling a pizza that tastes like butt? Not just regular ole’ butt either…we’re talking about roasted butt with a side order of dirty diapers and a tall glass of armpit. I mean, is there a market for food like this? Was this pizza ever taste-tested before going to market? How can a company claim to have quality assurance procedures in place and at the same time allow a pizza like this to be made and sold?
What made it worse was that I couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth! I just started chugging stuff…water, apple juice, bleach, cheap whiskey, plutonium…but nothing worked. I went to brush my teeth, and my toothbrush jumped out of the drawer and made a break for the toilet – I guess it figured whatever was in there would be more welcome than whatever was in my mouth.
In short, I hate these pizzas and suggest you avoid them like grim death.
The only reason I could EVER see firing up another one of these pizzas is if the in-laws are coming over for dinner...just hide all the toilet paper, serve the pizza, and let the fun begin! Just make sure you don't eat any of it yourself...
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Football and shaved heads!
Probably within the next two weeks, I’ll be shaving my head. I’ve always wanted to shave my head and see what I’d look like bald with a beard, and I think I’ve worked up enough courage to do it. A few folks have said that it will make me look tougher and meaner and more intimidating, and that’s exactly what I’ll need for teaching children’s church. (“Get back in your seats NOW you little…”) The problem is that you really don’t know what you’ll find under there. For all I know, my parents could have had me tattooed when I was young…and upon shaving my head I’ll discover a slightly distended naked Elvis staring back at me. Providing I don’t look like a used potato, I’ll update my profile picture so you can see the white-skulled goodness.
Speaking of goodness, football season is drawing near! Since I now have a high-definition TV I plan on having people over when I can to watch games. I figured now would be a good time to spell out a few rules for football parties that everyone should adhere to.
First, if you are asked to bring snacks, bring good snacks. If it’s potato chips, don’t bring any weird flavored junk. Potato chips are supposed to taste good…they’re not supposed to be doused in smelly, butt-tastic vinegar…they are not PICKLES. So don’t get creative, don’t try to be different…just get some normal chips or else you can sit at home alone with your smell bag of crap. And we don’t need any health food! Don’t you dare come over with a sack full of multi-grain bread and celery sticks and expect me to show you the love. I’m not going to eat apple slices and I don’t care what you dip them in. I want grease and sugar and salt...if your snack doesn’t have these, take it out to the driveway and run over it with your car. Then go home.
Also, while I know it’s tempting, please don’t get into any long-running conversations during the game. To be honest, this is really aimed at the ladies… most guys are genetically predisposed to focus on the game and not make idle chitter-chatter. All conversations should last no more than 2-3 minutes, which allows you to sneak them in during the commercial breaks (unless it’s the Super Bowl, in which case the commercials are funny so you can’t talk at all until it’s over). Things I want to hear are: the popping of helmets and pads, announcers discussing plays, interviews, scores from other games. Things I do not want to hear are: how you got your bangs to be so “poofy”, what Lisa said to Jamie yesterday about Jessica, who “done it” on CSI last week, “calm down…it’s just a game.”
This brings me to another point. There are times, rare as they may be, during the course of a game when I might accidentally and temporarily become mentally unstable. In this state, there is a slight chance that I’ll say things a person of my position and upbringing might regret and for which I’ll have to spend a great deal of time convincing my 4-year old should not be repeated. On rare occasions, I might get so mad that I’ll unintentionally smash something with my fist or throw heavy objects at random targets in my house. And while it’s certainly not the norm, there’s a small chance that I’ll have a disgusted scowl on my face for 2 or 3 hours and act with hostility towards anyone who approaches me. I'm sure this won't happen, but just to be safe you might want to stay away if stuff like this bothers you.
So long as we understand each other we should all be fine! I mean, of course, unless someone touches "excalibur" (my remote)...but everyone knows not to do that right? Right?
“There’s a flag on the play, let’s go to the referee…”
“We have an illegal discussion on the person sitting in the recliner. Person tried to talk about the new Reese Witherspoon chick flick (where she finally finds the love of her life but loses him to a freak fishing accident on the day they were to be married so she spends the rest of her life fishing and sees his ghost there every day oh how romantic blah blah blah) during a non-commercial segment of the game. Player is penalized half the distance to the kitchen…”
Speaking of goodness, football season is drawing near! Since I now have a high-definition TV I plan on having people over when I can to watch games. I figured now would be a good time to spell out a few rules for football parties that everyone should adhere to.
First, if you are asked to bring snacks, bring good snacks. If it’s potato chips, don’t bring any weird flavored junk. Potato chips are supposed to taste good…they’re not supposed to be doused in smelly, butt-tastic vinegar…they are not PICKLES. So don’t get creative, don’t try to be different…just get some normal chips or else you can sit at home alone with your smell bag of crap. And we don’t need any health food! Don’t you dare come over with a sack full of multi-grain bread and celery sticks and expect me to show you the love. I’m not going to eat apple slices and I don’t care what you dip them in. I want grease and sugar and salt...if your snack doesn’t have these, take it out to the driveway and run over it with your car. Then go home.
Also, while I know it’s tempting, please don’t get into any long-running conversations during the game. To be honest, this is really aimed at the ladies… most guys are genetically predisposed to focus on the game and not make idle chitter-chatter. All conversations should last no more than 2-3 minutes, which allows you to sneak them in during the commercial breaks (unless it’s the Super Bowl, in which case the commercials are funny so you can’t talk at all until it’s over). Things I want to hear are: the popping of helmets and pads, announcers discussing plays, interviews, scores from other games. Things I do not want to hear are: how you got your bangs to be so “poofy”, what Lisa said to Jamie yesterday about Jessica, who “done it” on CSI last week, “calm down…it’s just a game.”
This brings me to another point. There are times, rare as they may be, during the course of a game when I might accidentally and temporarily become mentally unstable. In this state, there is a slight chance that I’ll say things a person of my position and upbringing might regret and for which I’ll have to spend a great deal of time convincing my 4-year old should not be repeated. On rare occasions, I might get so mad that I’ll unintentionally smash something with my fist or throw heavy objects at random targets in my house. And while it’s certainly not the norm, there’s a small chance that I’ll have a disgusted scowl on my face for 2 or 3 hours and act with hostility towards anyone who approaches me. I'm sure this won't happen, but just to be safe you might want to stay away if stuff like this bothers you.
So long as we understand each other we should all be fine! I mean, of course, unless someone touches "excalibur" (my remote)...but everyone knows not to do that right? Right?
“There’s a flag on the play, let’s go to the referee…”
“We have an illegal discussion on the person sitting in the recliner. Person tried to talk about the new Reese Witherspoon chick flick (where she finally finds the love of her life but loses him to a freak fishing accident on the day they were to be married so she spends the rest of her life fishing and sees his ghost there every day oh how romantic blah blah blah) during a non-commercial segment of the game. Player is penalized half the distance to the kitchen…”
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Fast food comparison
On one end of the spectrum we have Chick-Fil-A, a shining beacon of light in the fast food world that just about does everything right. On the other end of the spectrum we have Hardees, the toilet of the fast food world where everything looks like, smells like and runs like crap. Let’s compare, shall we?
Chick-Fil-A service: Excellent
Chick-Fil-A’s hiring policy is to immediately employ anyone with psychic abilities – this is how they get your food ready so quickly. Their drive-thru is the only one with a posted speed limit…it moves that fast.
Hardees’ service: Abysmal
For a fast-food joint, the employees at Hardees sure don’t seem to be in too much of a hurry to do anything. They talk slow, they punch the keys on the register slow, they move slow…with the result being that even if you are the only person in line you’ll usually wait 3-5 minutes for your grub. Then you’ll spend another 4 minutes sponging off the copious amounts of Mayonnaise they heaped on your burger even though you asked for them not to. It’s like Hardees gets all the people that weren’t competent or motivated enough to work at any other fast food places.
Chick-Fil-A cleanliness: Excellent
For a fast-food place, it’s almost too clean. You can actually sit at a table and not worry about leftover debris getting mixed in with your nuggets.
Hardees’ cleanliness: Biohazard area
Seriously, has anyone EVER cleaned a Hardees restaurant? I’d rather roll around naked on the floor of any randomly selected truck stop restroom than to eat inside Hardees. The floors in there are covered in grease to the point that you can glide from the counter to your table. It always smells like old sausage in there too.
Chick-Fil-A kid’s toys: Awful
Here is a case where taking the “high road” failed. They give out BOOKS. Do you know how much it crushes a small child to look excitedly inside their food bag expecting a toy and to only come away with a book? Plus, a lot of them are books about learning foreign languages – like RUSSIAN. No kidding…they give kids a book on how to speak Russian. That’ll come in handy! What 4 year old doesn’t find themselves wishing they knew Cyrillic every now and then?
Hardees’ kid’s toys: Unknown
I won’t let my kid eat Hardees food for fear of it wreaking havoc on her delicate digestive system. The last thing I want is a kid getting sick and spewing all over the back seat of my car. But think about this…when was the last time you remember a major kid’s movie doing a promotional partnership with Hardees?
"Welcome to Hardees may I take your order would you like to try a number 5 combo today sir?" "Um, no...I'd just like a #2 combo with no mayo and a sprite to drink." "So that's a #1 combo with cheese sir what to drink with that?" "Um, no...that's a #2 combo with no mayo on the burger and a sprite for the drink." "Sir you want that #1 with cheese?" "What? No! I want a #2, no mayo on the burger with a sprite to drink!" (long confused pause) "Please drive around."
Feel free to add your own ratings in my comments section!
Chick-Fil-A service: Excellent
Chick-Fil-A’s hiring policy is to immediately employ anyone with psychic abilities – this is how they get your food ready so quickly. Their drive-thru is the only one with a posted speed limit…it moves that fast.
Hardees’ service: Abysmal
For a fast-food joint, the employees at Hardees sure don’t seem to be in too much of a hurry to do anything. They talk slow, they punch the keys on the register slow, they move slow…with the result being that even if you are the only person in line you’ll usually wait 3-5 minutes for your grub. Then you’ll spend another 4 minutes sponging off the copious amounts of Mayonnaise they heaped on your burger even though you asked for them not to. It’s like Hardees gets all the people that weren’t competent or motivated enough to work at any other fast food places.
Chick-Fil-A cleanliness: Excellent
For a fast-food place, it’s almost too clean. You can actually sit at a table and not worry about leftover debris getting mixed in with your nuggets.
Hardees’ cleanliness: Biohazard area
Seriously, has anyone EVER cleaned a Hardees restaurant? I’d rather roll around naked on the floor of any randomly selected truck stop restroom than to eat inside Hardees. The floors in there are covered in grease to the point that you can glide from the counter to your table. It always smells like old sausage in there too.
Chick-Fil-A kid’s toys: Awful
Here is a case where taking the “high road” failed. They give out BOOKS. Do you know how much it crushes a small child to look excitedly inside their food bag expecting a toy and to only come away with a book? Plus, a lot of them are books about learning foreign languages – like RUSSIAN. No kidding…they give kids a book on how to speak Russian. That’ll come in handy! What 4 year old doesn’t find themselves wishing they knew Cyrillic every now and then?
Hardees’ kid’s toys: Unknown
I won’t let my kid eat Hardees food for fear of it wreaking havoc on her delicate digestive system. The last thing I want is a kid getting sick and spewing all over the back seat of my car. But think about this…when was the last time you remember a major kid’s movie doing a promotional partnership with Hardees?
"Welcome to Hardees may I take your order would you like to try a number 5 combo today sir?" "Um, no...I'd just like a #2 combo with no mayo and a sprite to drink." "So that's a #1 combo with cheese sir what to drink with that?" "Um, no...that's a #2 combo with no mayo on the burger and a sprite for the drink." "Sir you want that #1 with cheese?" "What? No! I want a #2, no mayo on the burger with a sprite to drink!" (long confused pause) "Please drive around."
Feel free to add your own ratings in my comments section!
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