Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Early morning workouts...

Editor's note:

As I sat down to write this blog, I realized that the soy burger I had eaten for lunch had not filled me up, and decided to be bad and get medieval on a bag of chips.  So I spent all this time scrounging for change at my very own desk and NOT stealing it from other people who are out of the office currently and then proceeded to buy a "Big Grab" bag of Doritos.  When I opened the bag, it was already half empty!  That freaking drives me insane...since when was it ok to sell someone a bag of chips and blame it on "contents may settle during packing"?  I know this is a difficult concept, but if you want to fill up the bag of chips all the way, what you have to do is quit sealing up the bag before chips fill it up entirely.  Instead, all you did was "Big Grab" the money out of my pocket in exchange for a half-empty bag of chips all while kicking me swiftly in the groin.  Losers.

Since I've started getting back in shape, I've been working out again in the mornings before heading off to the slave labor camp I call "the office".  I can't help but notice a few things at the gym that just don't make any sense to me.  Normally I like to keep quiet about things like this and just go on living my simple, happy, uncomplicated life...but for once I'm going to complain a bit.

Who came up with the concept for the sauna?  Exactly what is the purpose here?  It's a wooden room that's really hot and makes you sweat.  That's it.  You pay a huge fee to gain access to a gym, and then you spend time inside a steamy room and perspire.  I think the reason the sauna is so popular is because lazy people think it's close enough to actually working out that it benefits them.  These folks don't want to put effort into working out or losing weight, and they think that since the sauna is a) inside a gym and b) makes you look and smell like you've done something really active that it's helping them somehow...like on a molecular level, being hot is the same as lifting weights because friction and heat are somehow intertwined and so sitting on a bench sweating with a bunch of other guys is kind of like running.  Some guy, who's a genius, decided to capitalize on the inherent laziness in all of us and said, "Well, what if we made you look and feel like you had worked out without you actually having done anything?  Would that make you feel better about slamming down 5 "Texas Style" honeybuns every morning with a iced mocha-chino chaser?"  And we the lemmings said "Yes, that would be great!  I'd love my workouts to consist of nothing more than holding my torso upright and not failing to breathe." So we go into the sauna, come out looking sweaty and smelling like old cheese, and figure we got in a great workout.  This morning, I actually saw an old guy change into workout clothes before going in!  It's like his regular clothes were going to restrict his ability to perform his sauna workout, so he put on the tightest pair of Greg Louganis, Olympic swimmer looking underwear ever.  They were shiny and revealing - qualities every 75 year old man should seek out when purchasing clothing!

Speaking of old guys, there are a group of old guys who come to the gym every morning.  They come in, go change into workout clothes, get a cup of cheap, boiled butt coffee from the front desk, and then sit at a small glass table by the weight room and talk and read the newspaper.  Then, when they're finished talking about "...that day when Johnny helped that feller crank start his tractor while on route to deliver fruit to a man in Tallahassee..." they change back into their "regular" clothes  (a collection of overalls, navy blue Dickies pants, and brimmed hats - the official old man uniform) and go back home.  I guess most of this I could see...maybe they actually like the coffee at the gym better than at Starbucks or Panera Bread...maybe they like to talk about old times while watching women in skin-tight outfits with their buttcheeks (is buttcheeks one word or two?) hanging out complaining about how perverted men are...but why do they change into workout clothes? 

When I go into the locker room, I purposefully pick a locker that has a lot of clearance on either side in terms of people.  I don't get a locker near anyone so that I have plenty of space to do my thing and also to avoid any "bumpage" that might occur.  Half the time, when I come out of the shower, some flamboyant idiot has taken a locker right next to mine and is sprawled out all over the place...often literally.  He knew I was there...I leave my shoes and a few items outside the locker door to ensure that...but he's one of these pukes that just doesn't care that you're complete strangers who are about to be naked and within 3 feet of each other.  So now I'm moving all my stuff and ducking streams of "Axe" deodorant body spray (hate to break this to you, but simply using body spray does not make you cool and will not net you tons of "chicks"...girls aren't turned on by body sprays...they're looking for something more substantial, like money and cars).  This same loser will go dry his hair and brush his teeth without a stitch of clothing...why won't he put something on first?  Why does he HAVE to brush his teeth or shave naked?  If I throw up at the gym, it should be because I've pushed myself to exhaustion, not because some guy is giving me a "behind-the-scenes" tour.

I guess it's the price I have to pay to look as good as I do...I hope you all appreciate it.

Well, I'm supposed to work arms and shoulders today...but since someone sold me half my bag of chips I only need to spend 15 minutes getting stanky in the sauna to burn off the calories.  It's paying off though...my butt is as buff as ever!  My Dickies pants are starting to get tight around my cheek area!  Yeah!  (flex)   

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Exfoliating?

One thing I always try to remain conscious of is not smelling like an old gym sock.  You would think that everyone would be conscious of this, but that's not the case.  There are some people who smell like they've been drug through cow patties and smelly mechanical fluids while being hosed down by an entire family of skunks who eat Taco Bell much too often.  I'm always amazed at these folks because they seem to be oblivious to their "fragrant" status - even when they haven't been doing something that would involve sweating or getting dirty.  How do they not realize that they're funking up the entire room?  I don't want to be one of those people that everyone else is talking about...and the thought that I might be drives me to be as clean as possible at all times.  

In my quest to make sure I never smell like a well-used baby diaper, I tend to wash very thoroughly in the shower and don't shy away from using body wash products that some might consider to be borderline "girly".  My usual routine is to wash at least once with soap and then follow that up with an overall cleansing using a body wash.  I may then repeat the soap part again so that I don't have that oily sort of body wash feeling that you get from them putting "hydrated oil of fresh mango butter" in there to keep your skin looking 483 years younger (basically, their goal is to get your skin to the state it was in before you left the womb).

I'm not really particular about what kind of body wash I use...my wife usually purchases something and I just go with that.  I may have to change that policy though, after what I've experienced with the body wash she purchased most recently.

Everything appeared to be normal with this body wash...it comes in an oddly shaped bottle and has a fluorescent coloration to it, which is standard in these products.  You're supposed to feel sophisticated from using it I guess (because nothing's better than soap to help you feel ok about your life...as long as you have one bottle that looks like this for every velvet Elvis or dogs shooting pool painting you have, you don't have to consider yourself white trash because the fancy bottle cancels out some of the redneck).  Anyways, I began to use the body wash and was rubbing it on me when I noticed something strange...it felt like this goop had sand in it!  I looked down and, sure enough, there were all sorts of little particles in this thing.  What the heck?  I thought this might have been a bad batch of "botanical extracts", so I checked the bottle, and then found this little blurb on there: "Gentle exfoliation by Pomegranate seeds keeps your skin looking younger and feeling softer." 

I looked down at myself and realized I was covered in these little purple particles, and thought..."So wow...I'm covered in fruit seeds.  I'm taking a shower and I've just slathered fruit seeds all over my body."  Trust me folks when I tell you that these little seeds were capable of getting anywhere...more details would only scar you.  Needless to say, I was not very comfortable...and those of you who know me know the look I get on my face when I am not comfortable.  It's one of those times when you just keep muttering in disgust..."WHAT?  WHAT THE...WHAT?  SEEDS?  FREAKING SEEDS?  REAL, ACTUAL FRUIT SEEDS? WHAT? WHAT?  WHAT KIND OF A STUPID...I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THAT...WHAT?"  I'm sure I was sporting a world-class, award-winning grimace at the time too...the kind that makes kids label you "The Mean Man" and which, if you wear it at church, will get you lots of "Be Happy, because you are in the Lord's house and it's a super-dee-duper day!" comments. (Hey, what do you expect from a work in progress sinner?  A cheery attitude every Sunday?  Is it so shocking that I'd arrive at church in a foul mood?  Don't hate me because I don't fake it like some of you - I've seen you and you aren't always "doing fine"...but I digress) 

I should probably take a moment to explain exfoliation to my guy readers, since it's another one of these girl code words to make their beautification process sound more glamorous.  It's basically a fancy term for scrubbing the dead skin off of your body.  So they basically fill a tub with bath beads (plastic balls of oil that dissolve in hot water) and mineral salts (dried up oil that melts in hot water) and then use a "luffa" (some Swedish term for a really poofy, girly sponge with a rope on it) to exfoliate their skin through the power of Pomegranate seeds (some stupid fruit that I've never actually seen and wonder if it really even exists).  It's sort of like using sandpaper to smooth out a piece of wood, only the sandpaper is fruit seeds and the wood is your leg.  So sensual!  So exotic!  So intriguing!

So now we're paying money to have seeds left in our body wash?  We're paying extra so we can add something grainy to our body wash so that it will rip the dead skin off of us better?  Let me tell you something about seeds...they suck.  They suck in fruits, they suck in your popcorn and in your freaking teeth, and yes, they suck when they are heartily dumped into a vat of body wash.  I don't want to be scratched to death...I just want to be clean!   

Besides, what if one of those seeds gets..."lodged"...somewhere?  Am I going to start sprouting Pomegranates?  That could hurt...we're not talking about a very shapely, aerodynamic fruit here. 

Why anyone would purchase a product designed to make you feel the way you do wearing shorts full of sand after a long day at the beach is beyond me.  If you don't like your dead skin, get rid of it the old fashioned way...go get a bad sunburn.  Keep your seeds out of my cleaning products for crying out loud!  I should not have to be telling you this!  Seeds go in the ground or in the garbage - WAKE UP!

Why can't we just leave fruit alone?  I don't want it in my salad.  I don't want it in my ice cream.  I don't want it in my body wash.  I don't want it in my cleaning products.  I'm getting sick and tired of picking the fruit out of everything I buy!  Stop it!  Don't make me grimace at you, fool!