Stupid stuff we do

You live the wild life.  You party, you socialize, you get wasted to the point that you have trouble remembering the events of the previous night.  Your weekends are almost always spent at the club or the bar or hanging out with some new honey.  And yet...every Sunday you find yourself at church.  Uhh...what?  You spend your time doing the very things you know you should not be doing...and you know you should not be doing them but you do them anyways and you don't care...and going to church each week does not seem to be changing your behavior, since you are still doing what you know you should not be doing...so why go?  If going to church isn't changing you, then why are you going?  Just sitting there is about as valuable as sitting on your couch, only you had to get up early and put on some nice clothes to do it.  There isn't some magic holy dust that falls on you as you sit there recovering from a hangover that undoes all the bad stuff you did last night.  The idea is to hear stuff and experience stuff that changes you so that you quit doing stuff you know is wrong!  If this isn't happening, YOU ARE WASTING YOUR TIME.  Either make a change, or stop taking up valuable parking spaces and stay home!  Don't be the kind of wanker who tries to walk the line and have it both ways - you can't and you don't. 

Speaking of parking, apparently it's ok to not be loving to other people when it comes to parking.  Apparently, and I did not know this until just a few days ago, the most important thing in the entirety of our lives is to make sure we get our cars as close to any building that we have to go inside of as we can.  It's amazing...we'll run on conveyor belts that take us nowhere, we'll ride bikes that don't move...but we won't walk 20 extra feet across a parking lot.  We'd rather make an elderly person on a walker and a breathing apparatus walk from the back of the lot than to have to do so ourselves, and we'll fight them for that front spot in the lot.  For crying out loud folks, just park the FREAKING CAR AND WALK!  Quit making me wait for 10 minutes while you let someone else back out! 

There is this commercial on TV for one of these things that you can only order by calling a phone number, one of these infomercial, home shopper kind of things...these things always bug the crap out of me.  Anyways, this particular product is a large bank that has been made to look like a railroad crossing sign.  It's a large tube, and on the top is a railroad crossing sign that flashes and toots a horn whenever you drop coins into the bank.  In the commercial, they talk about how much fun this thing is for your entire family, and they show groups of retards sitting around all day just waiting for the joyful moment when they can make their lives complete by putting a coin into this stupid, ugly looking piece of crap bank.  They get these huge smiles on their faces and have such immense reactions of surprise and glee every time they put a coin in and the stupid lights come on.  It's a bank!  You don't even play with banks...you put money in them and then, a few weeks later when your self control breaks up, you take the money back out and squander it on something meaningless.  No one has ever had fun playing around with a bank, and no one ever will...so get this STINKING commercial off the air and quit making me watch a bunch of out of work actors becoming much too excited about the prospect of hearing a "realistic train whistle" blow for the 1400th time when they plop another penny in there.

The penny should be taken out of circulation, by the way...I hate pennies and purposefully throw them away any time I get them.  You can't buy anything substantial with a penny - and by the time you get enough pennies to buy something substantial you have another problem on your hands...transporting 45lbs of them to some location that accepts them and trusts you enough to not have you count them out.  Don't bother saving up pennies either - it's the worst thing you can do to your hope.  You'll see like these massive amounts of pennies that you've saved and you'll be all excited about how much they're worth...and then after countless hours of rolling them up (so the bank will take them, because even they are not desperate enough for money to hassle with the penny) you'll look and see..."Oh great...three dollars and 34 cents...wow...that only took me 4 years to save up...glad I bothered with the hassle of making sure to save each one...yeah...that really paid off big."

"Dude, where are you going man?  We got like, you know, to head to Club WastedLife for $2 poorly mixed drinks man!"  "Sorry bro...got to get some shuteye...got to sober up a bit before Sunday school tomorrow."  "Ah yeah...forgot man...it's, you know, cool and stuff the way you get all spiritual and all..."

What are you looking at?

I'm in a freaking bad mood today.  Consider this me virtually sulking. This blog won't be that great because I'm just ranting, but today I don't care.  If you don't want to hear it, get the heck out of here because I'm about to serve up some deliciously well-aged "whine" and I don't care if you enjoy it or not!  Spare me the "cry-baby" comments - it's my blog and I can cry if I want to. (by the way, that song - "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to" or whatever it's officially titled - is absolutely stupid and boring and pointless, and whoever wrote it should feel lifelong shame...I reference it only to give myself a chance to ridicule it's creator publicly...like I said, I'm in a bad mood)

People say they just "wake up mad" sometimes for no reason, but that's a huge load of poop.  There's always a reason for it.  It's just that sometimes it doesn't behoove you to mention that reason.  Maybe you don't remember the reason, or maybe talking about the reason will cause you more headache than it's worth...either way, it's not that you're mad about nothing.  

The only bright spot today is that some girl scout cookies I ordered came in.  I'm about to get jiggy with an entire sleeve of these Thin Mints - but since that might improve my mood a bit I'll bust out an "angry blog" first and then get fat later.

Funny how, when you are in a bad mood, you like to listen to music that keeps you that way and avoid anything that might cheer you up.  It's like sometimes being angry is fun.  Unfortunately, if I lay on the floor and pitch a fit or go around hitting stuff up here at the office they might can my butt, so I'll have to settle for some serious sulking at my desk.

The key to sulking is having people around to notice it, because if no one sees you sulking (or brooding, whichever works for you...I personally tend to switch back and forth) it doesn't work.  You can't sulk by yourself...someone else has to know that you're sulking or else there's no point!  You already know you're angry - you don't have to sulk to yourself.  What you want is for other people to know you're angry, but what it is you're angry about is usually so stupid that you don't want to come right out and say "I'm pissed off because of <insert reason here> and I want you to know about it!"  So you sulk or brood or pout and hope that other people pick up on it.  You start off just doing it slightly, and then if that doesn't work you slowly turn it up.  Sitting and staring turns into pacing which turns into stomping and door slamming, and then if all else fails you make up some reasons to interact with people and you do it angrily, which usually gets their attention.  I've never seen anyone resort to "Stage 7" sulking, which is slapping people and insulting their mothers, but I'm sure it's happened in cases where the target of your sulking is really dense (or really good at ignoring your sorry butt).

People say that "life is like a box of chocolates" because you never know what you'll get.  That may be true, but 75% of the time what you get in those stupid boxes is one of those cherry goop filled pieces of crap that drips on your work clothes and tastes like melted eyeball.  What you wanted was a good piece of candy, but they don't sell boxes of those...instead, they give you an "assortment" which means all the crap no one wants with a few decent items thrown in to give false hope.  In that regard, I guess life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna get, but most of the time it's complete crap. 

Speaking of assorted crap, do yourself a favor and don't buy crap that they pile up near the check-out counter at Wal-Mart.  If the only way they can get people to buy something is to resort to dangling it in front of those people who a) are impulse shoppers, b) forgot to get something while in the store and will buy this just so they don't walk away with nothing, or c) are actually browsing the checkout aisles for something decent to purchase, then the item in question can't be that great now can it?  Just a random thought here...not sure why I thought of it but I put it in here because I freaking want to OK!

"I can see clearly now the rain is gone...It's gonna be a bright, bright, bright...sunshiny day!"  Who the heck wrote this piece of crap, unrealistic, sugary-sweet song?  You'd have to live inside Barney the dinosaur's colon to experience crap sweeter than this. 

Want something to drink?

What do you reach for when you're dying of thirst and need something special to answer the call?  Some people choose to go for a glass of iced tea, but for me this just doesn't cut it.  Tea that's been sweetened tastes good enough, provided you can wade through the 4.2 million varieties of it...are tea people actually finicky enough to warrant 7 varieties of raspberry tea?  First you have the flavor choices: strawberry-kiwi-raspberry, blueberry-raspberry, raspberry green tea, raspberry diet green tea, orange-raspberry-grape...the list goes on forever.  On top of this, every flavor has 3 or 4 varieties of "healthiness" for it as well.  You have the "radical" line of teas that have 4 times the suggested daily allowance for caffeine but which claim to give you energy based on a little-known Chinese herb.  You have the whole "green tea" family, which is basically their way of saying that they crushed up some ginseng in it and colored it green so you feel like you're drinking some ancient magic potion developed long ago in the Orient.  Finally, you have the entire line of diet drinks that taste just the same as the sugary ones but don't have sugar in them - instead of poisoning you with sugar, they replace it with a cancer-inducing agent that won't make you fat like regular sugar.  With all this said, the reason I stay away from tea is simple.  Here is a little industry secret...know why they call it "tea"?  Because "tea" rhymes with "pee", and that's all you'll be doing for the next 4 hours after drinking this stuff.  It's bad enough my bladder is the size of an ant's knapsack...I don't need a bunch of tea ravaging my system.

How do any of us know that the bottled water we're drinking has actually been drafted off of a filtered mountain stream somewhere in Colorado?  I'm betting some guy in BigStick, Mississippi is getting filthy rich bottling water from the hose in his backyard. (incidentally, in my opinion we need to find the person who decided to spell Mississippi the way it's spelled and severely beat them...why make up some name that's this long and this difficult to spell?  Every time I have to type it out I get ticked off - stupid jerk)  I remember when we were kids and you got thirsty, you'd just stick your head under the bathroom sink and guzzle tap water till you achieved major bloat.  You'd come up with a wet face, but you wouldn't be thirsty...and it didn't cost you $1.39 either. 

The other day I noticed that you can still buy "Grapico" - I guess some people still desire to know what it feels like to drink liquid lead.  Talk about sugar content...you could use this stuff on your pancakes, that's how thick and syrupy it was.  At the swimming pool, you could always tell which kids spent their drink money on Grapico...they'd be laid out on the deck with a stupid looking purple ring around their mouth moaning in pain and baking in the hot sun, unable to move as they fought off the nausea and sugar seizures.      

I know lots of people who love coffee, and I myself like to drink it from time to time...I like to put a little coffee in a cup full of sugar and creamer and make a malt out of it, because coffee by itself tastes like creamed toenail.  The problem with coffee is, you have to have a satchel full of breathmints or else you'll melt faces when you talk.  The funny thing is, when you're around a bunch of people, and they're all drinking coffee, it's like no one cares about the breath thing because as long as everyone is drinking it you know all of you will have stanky breath which makes it ok.  But if you're the only one drinking it, and everyone else is having raspberry-orange-kiwi-blueberry green tea, you'll need some Altoids (you know, those white mints that come in the fancy tin that make you cry when you suck on them because their 57% alcohol and 20% liquid nitrogen) or other suitable funk-removing device.  One other note...if you need a pick up in the morning, you can order the large at Starbucks and that will suffice...you don't need the extra super skyscraper grande...trust me, your brain will thank you for not upsizing later.  As a rule of thumb, I generally won't consume enough coffee to fill a cup that's as tall as I am.  I like my heart maintaining it's rhythm and don't need massive coronary spikes to help me "perk up" at work.

Making words difficult to spell does not make you cool - it just makes you a freaking capital 'D' - lowercase 'w' - double 'e' - lowercase 'b' that needs his capital 'A' - lowercase 's' - lowerca...uhh...I mean...his butt kicked.