Chocolate buying advice

Some of us at the office were having a discussion about vending machine candy bars and I thought it might be a good idea to share some thoughts on this with you guys. As you know, picking the right candy from the vending machine is very important…often, the mid-afternoon candy snack is the only time during the day when you don’t want to club yourself to death with your own leg, so it’s crucial that you make the right choice.

In light of this, I offer the following candy bar reviews:

Hersheys’ Milk Chocolate – 5 stars

A genuine classic and sure to please, this is a “can’t go wrong” selection. The only problem with this candy bar is that you’ll find yourself wanting more when you’re finished. Try prolonging the enjoyment by indulging slowly

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups – 5 stars

Is this the Holy Grail of the candy world? Some would say yes, and while I’m not sure I’d go that far I will say that these are incredible.

M&Ms – 4 stars peanuts, 3.5 stars plain

My personal preference is the peanut M&Ms, and I don’t care much for the regular ones unless they are drowning in a sea of ice cream. Still, these are a tried and true favorite and if you want to play it safe but are tired of the two previous selections, give these a go! Incidentally, they WILL melt in your hands (or in the backseat of your car - thanks kid!) if you hold them long enough.

Baby Ruth – 2 smelly stars

I’ve seen things that look like Baby Ruth candy bars before, and it’s not someplace pleasant. Trouble is, not only do they look like crap, but they taste like it to. These always taste stale right out of the wrapper, and there are so many peanuts in there that you really don’t get much else. Plus, pay attention to the heavy "thud" you hear when these candy bars drop from their rack...it sounds like falling lead bars. Not a good sign. Stay away at all costs.

Heath Bar – 1 star

Sorry Heath, but your candy bar tastes like warm sweat. It’s like they somehow solidified a pot of day old coffee and smothered it in chocolate. I guess they thought that people love chocolate enough to eat anything that is covered by it. They were mistaken. Maybe this is the candy bar smokers enjoy...since they can't taste anything anyways ("It tastes like chicken!") I think the makers of this candy bar forgot that candy is supposed to taste sweet and pleasant. Smash any of these you see to bits to prevent others from accidentally biting into them.

Kit Kat – 5 stars

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….(drool drool drool)

Hershey’s Take Five – 0.2 stars

Ok, this one is tough because I like the concept. Pretzels covered in caramel and chocolate – what could be better right? The problem here is that this snack violates the 50 Cent Portion Rule, which states that given the choice between a bunch of candies that I like, I will spend my 50 cents on the one that is the largest. Now with the Take Five, you get two pretzels. TWO! (that's me yelling the word "two" out loud and in a frustrated tone) Who the heck does Hershey’s think I am? How dumb would I have to be to spend 25 cents PER PRETZEL? Believe me, the first time I got one of these and discovered that it was a measly two pretzels an important vein busted in my head. It is NOT a good idea to scorn the mid-afternoon candy snack people...I will rain down blows upon your head with chocolate covered fists until my cravings pass.

That's all I have time for now...but feel free to add your own candy bar reviews…I’m going to try to free up that Twix bar dangling from C13.