They don't have butts!

Last night, I was discussing the "reality" of monsters being in my daughter's closet with her. Apparently, her and some of her friends at preschool are convinced that their closets are home to hordes of angry beasties. Since I'm older and wiser, and should have an intellect superior to that of a 4 year old, I figured I could use my logical prowess and solve this problem without much fuss.

I said, "Mackenzie...there are no monsters in your closet! If they lived in your closet, what would they eat and what would they drink?" Then, I paused for about 5 seconds for dramatic effect before stating "Where would they go to the bathroom at?"

The look she gave me was priceless...it was one of dissapointment and disgust all rolled up into one cute little smirk. "Daddy..." she replied, "monsters don't have butts."

I guess that takes care of the bathroom issue.

How cool would it be to not have a butt? I wonder how much time we spend each day in the bathroom. "Sorry bossman...I didn't have time to get that report done like you asked me to. If only I didn't have this butt!"

Wrinkle-free blog

 

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to wrinkle a shirt up and how hard it is to get wrinkles out?  You can take a shirt in your hand, grab it tightly for 2 seconds, and get it all wrinkled up.  But if you take that same shirt and those same hands, and pull the shirt tight, the wrinkles won't come out.  You have to take a large metal object, heat it up to scalding, and then press it down on the shirt with some force to get those wrinkles out.  Sometimes they don't even come out after doing that, and you have to spray the article of clothing with water or an ironing spray of some sort.  How is it so easy to get a wrinkle and so hard to remove one? 

It's the same for dirty hands...have you ever had something on your hands that just wouldn't come off, like grease?  You can scrub your hands till they bleed and yet the stuff still won't come off, but take those same dirty fingers and lightly touch them to your favorite shirt and BAM you've got grease on it.  You can't get it off your hands, but at the same time you can't keep it from getting on everything else you touch!  What the heck?

I can't tie a knot that will last to save my life, but if I put two objects with power cords attached to them in a drawer and come back a week later, they'll be in the most convoluted, complex knots you've ever seen in your life.  How the heck are these things getting so tangled up - BY THEMSELVES?

Why is it that the only time I seem to jam my foot into the furniture in my house is when I'm NOT wearing any shoes?  I don't recall walking around kicking everything with my sneakers on...yet somehow my pinky toe fan-magic-tastically finds the leg of the dining table and hits it so squarely that I'm cursing dead relatives for hours.

Life needs to be a bit more accomodating to me.  After all, I make living what it is...without me, life would suck.

 

"Hey honey!  You gotta see this...the hair dryer and the electric razor made a perfect sailors knot in here...it's the most complex thing I've ever se--OWWW! STUPID !#&!*~^ END TABLE!" 

What body part are you?

Well, since everyone else is doing it I might as well get on board…I’ve decided to release an online quiz that tells you something rather uninteresting about yourself based on completely unfounded and illogical reasoning.

Which body part are you?

Your answers to the following seemingly irrelevant questions will butterfly cut your soul open and reveal to us all exactly what kind of person you are – and it’ll only take like 3 minutes too!

 

Question 1:

Minutes before the big Julia Roberts movie you realize that someone ate all of the potato chips and you are without any appropriate snack foods…what do you do?

a) Run to the store and get some potato chips and ice cream

b) Forego the chips and heat up some 

c) Beat the person who ate all the chips with a wiffle-ball bat

 

Question 2:

You’re in line at the McDonald’s drive-thru and can’t decide on what you want, but it’s your turn to order and you’re holding up the entire line. In a rush you blurt out the first thing that comes to mind…what do you order?

a) Extra Value meal #2 with no pickles and a Diet Coke

b) Uhhh...gimme uh Big Mac and uh large fry

c) Can you give me a minute please?

 

Question 3:

You're in your car on the way to work when the disk jockey on the country music station your listening to announces that the next caller who can correctly identify the upcoming song will win two tickets to Dollywood...do you:

a) call in immediately with the correct answer of "My Cheatin' Beagle"

b) call in even though you're not sure of the answer and try to fake it

c) swerve into a truck to avoid hearing any more country music

 

Now for the scoring...for each answer of "A" give yourself 3 points, for each answer of "B" give yourself 5 points and for every answer of "C" give yourself 7.32 points.

If you scored 9-12 points, you are an "sweaty armpit"

If you scored 13-16 points, you are a "hairy butt"

If you scored 17-24 points, you are a "fungally-infected big toe"  

 

If you scored 0 points, meaning that you can't identify with any of these issues and thus did not find any answer that suited you OR you think that these stupid, meaningless attempts to give our lives meaning via irrelevant quiz questions is bogus and you refused to play along -

CONGRATULATIONS!

You don't watch stupid movies, you know that the McDonald's menu hasn't changed in 7,000 years and you hate that twangy, idiotic, brain-dead garbage that is "kuntry musac." I guess the bottom line here is that if a system for describing the personality of a fully grown adult takes less than 5 minutes to invent, it might not be worth jack squat.  

That last quiz I took said I was a confrontational person with social issues and a knack for seeing the negative in everything...how freaking bogus.

The Regina Birthday Post!

Today is my wonderful wife Regina’s birthday! If you see her, give her money…lots of money! If you don’t have any money to give her, then give her the thing she loves most of all – RASPBERRY SWEET TEA!

Actually, on second thought, I’d hold off on the sweet tea…she’s REALLY picky when it comes to her sweet tea. If I had a nickel for every time she’s not liked a particular kind of sweet tea that she’s tried, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this right now. I’d be out on my yacht playing computer games in my underwear. But that’s another story…

I guess I knew she was the one for me on our second date when, as we were playing one of these stupid trivia games that you play on double-dates, we both guessed the song “Sailing” by Christopher Cross as the answer (incorrectly, I might add) to a question. I wasn’t sure how she felt about me though…several months later when I first told her “I love you” her response was “Thank you.” Not exactly what I was hoping for, but it all worked out (and yes, later that evening she did respond in kind). Then, when I proposed, the first thing she said to me (picture me on bended knee holding out a ring and “popping the question”) was “No way!” Fortunately, she meant that as her being surprised by the question, not saying that there was no way she’d marry me.

But that’s what I love about her…she’s quirky and unique and I know just how to get a reaction out of her. I know that after she’s had a really, really long day of fighting with the kids or dealing with the one million things she has to deal with on a daily basis, I can walk in and go “HEY, WHY THE HECK DIDN’T YOU MAKE SOMETHING MORE FANCY FOR DINNER?!?” and she’ll get all defensive and red in the face until it hits her that I’m once again messing with her. I love it that sometimes it takes her a few minutes to know for sure whether I’m kidding or not…getting her “riled up” is so much fun!

Of course, she’s so much fun to hang out with…and she’s beautiful and sexy and classy…and even though she’s good at modestly hiding it, she’s really smart and is great at figuring things out. But all of you who know her already know that…these are things anyone can see…that’s why I’m so lucky to be with her, because I get to see all of this PLUS I get to see so much more that the rest of you don’t get to see!

So babe, happy birthday to you…I love you and wish you the best! I’ll leave you with the words to “that song” that we both like so much, maybe because it's what we're both thinking.

If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing that I'd like to do...is to save every day til eternity passes away just to spend them with you.

If I could make days last forever, if words could make wishes come true...I'd save every day like a treasure and then, again, I would spend them with you.

But there never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do once you find them. I've looked around enough to know that you're the one I want to go through time with.

If I had a box just for wishes and dreams that had never come true...the box would be empty except for the memory of how they were answered by you.

Observations

Does it bother you guys as much as it does me to have an adult person address me in the third person? They’ll come up to you and go, “And how is Jeremy doing today?” even though they’re talking directly to you. It’s like having a conversation with Elmo off Sesame Street.

To me, one of the most disappointing things in life is opening a bag of potato chips. You have this huge bag, but then when you open it you realize that over half of it is just air. The minute you open that bag, it’s like you’ve already eaten half of it – and you’re sitting there hungry and wondering what you just spent all that money on.

Is there anything more uncomfortable in the world than watching someone who can’t dance trying to bust a move? Personally, I have a standing rule that I will never, ever dance no matter what, because I understand my obligation to my fellow man and don’t want to put him through the agony of having to see something like that. Some of you should adopt a similar rule, or else be prepared to have us mock you severely. Here are a few things to remember when trying to determine whether or not you should be dancing:

1. Just because your buddies are encouraging you to dance doesn’t mean you should. They might just be out to get a cheap laugh at your expense…this is especially true if things are getting stale at whatever venue you’re at. The more bored your friends are, the more likely they are to try to get you to do something ridiculous to embarrass yourself so they can have something to entertain themselves.
   


2. Just because you can wiggle your butt and pump your arms in the car does not mean you can dance. Some people’s rhythm stops at their butt and never makes it down to their legs, and they end up looking like they’re dancing in a vat of peanut butter when they take to the floor…the top part is ok, but the bottom part ain’t happening.
   


3. If you are at a place that has “country line dancing” feel free to participate no matter what your coordination level because this isn’t really dancing…it’s marching in time designed to provide simulated “dancing” to those who can’t dance and who don’t mind looking like absolute fools prancing around to terrible music. Be warned that they might make you wear one of those shirts that has those fancy “doodles” on it that look like slug trails.

"Come awn evah-ree-bod-ee! Lets dew thu Boot Sceewt Buugie! Evar-ee-bod-ee say Wew-hew! Ain't this uh reel knee-slapper of uh guud time? Leave yor false teeths at thu door and come "dance" with us!" SLAP!

A trip to the zoo

Well, my apologies to all of my regular readers (all 3 of you) for the lack of updates…we’re in survival mode at home with this little booger, who doesn’t like doing much sleeping but sure finds the time to scream at me.

So yesterday I took my family to the zoo to see the animals, and man did we see some real gems!

I actually saw a guy yesterday with an airbrushed t-shirt! I thought these kinds of shirts were extinct, but apparently bad taste never dies. It had his name in that fancy cursive writing, and then it had a John Deere tractor (they were very careful to distinguish the kind of tractor – because no redneck worth his salt would be seen riding on “one uh them thar ‘Kuboter’ Jap-er-neese tracters!”) sitting in a corn field with a bright orange sun setting behind it. The shirt itself was so cheap that it was almost see-thru, but that didn’t stop this guy from proudly displaying this fine work of art!

Then, I saw something else that really ticks me off…a fat person riding in one of those motorized chairs that they usually reserve for the handicapped or for someone with a broken leg who can’t walk. Now this is not a bust on fat people…we all have our physical issues to deal with (personally, my face looks like Picasso’s first foray into sculpting) and I’m not knocking her for being overweight. But folks, being fat is not a handicap! Why should she get a motorized cart to carry her all over the zoo just because she’s overweight? Maybe if people didn’t let her get a motorized cart everywhere she went, she’d actually have to walk a step or two and she’d lose some of the weight. It’s just as much the zoo’s fault as it is hers, because they are enabling her to continue to be overweight by affording her personal transportation around the premises. They could have refused to give her a cart, but they didn’t…so there she was, riding around and letting her kids drive the cart and slamming down zoo food (which isn’t exactly the most artery-friendly food you’ll find). I thought it was more than ironic that she almost ran over a girl on crutches who was WALKING around the zoo.

Finally, I saw the “zoo employee with no soul” exhibit as I watched the girl behind the counter in the “gift shop” ring up the cheap toy my daughter bought without flinching or showing any signs of guilt or remorse. How she can sleep at night knowing the large sums of money people are paying to get their kids TOTAL CRAP in that store is beyond me. You can’t buy an eraser in that place for less than $4…and if it’s a stuffed animal…well, just forget about it. Better to break your kids heart than mortgage the house to get that rhino with a stupid smile on his face and a little t-shirt that says “I get a CHARGE out of the Birmingham zoo!” Believe me, if it were up to the zoo, they’d implant that rhinoceros horn in a very uncomfortable place.

Is there any chance, any chance at all, that we could get a little cleaning done in that indoor elephant area? I realize it's the penultimate "dirty job" that no one wants to deal with, but I don’t think you want people vomiting right away as they walk in. Yesterday it kind of made my eyes bleed. Thanks much!