Observations

Does it bother you guys as much as it does me to have an adult person address me in the third person? They’ll come up to you and go, “And how is Jeremy doing today?” even though they’re talking directly to you. It’s like having a conversation with Elmo off Sesame Street.

To me, one of the most disappointing things in life is opening a bag of potato chips. You have this huge bag, but then when you open it you realize that over half of it is just air. The minute you open that bag, it’s like you’ve already eaten half of it – and you’re sitting there hungry and wondering what you just spent all that money on.

Is there anything more uncomfortable in the world than watching someone who can’t dance trying to bust a move? Personally, I have a standing rule that I will never, ever dance no matter what, because I understand my obligation to my fellow man and don’t want to put him through the agony of having to see something like that. Some of you should adopt a similar rule, or else be prepared to have us mock you severely. Here are a few things to remember when trying to determine whether or not you should be dancing:

1. Just because your buddies are encouraging you to dance doesn’t mean you should. They might just be out to get a cheap laugh at your expense…this is especially true if things are getting stale at whatever venue you’re at. The more bored your friends are, the more likely they are to try to get you to do something ridiculous to embarrass yourself so they can have something to entertain themselves.
   


2. Just because you can wiggle your butt and pump your arms in the car does not mean you can dance. Some people’s rhythm stops at their butt and never makes it down to their legs, and they end up looking like they’re dancing in a vat of peanut butter when they take to the floor…the top part is ok, but the bottom part ain’t happening.
   


3. If you are at a place that has “country line dancing” feel free to participate no matter what your coordination level because this isn’t really dancing…it’s marching in time designed to provide simulated “dancing” to those who can’t dance and who don’t mind looking like absolute fools prancing around to terrible music. Be warned that they might make you wear one of those shirts that has those fancy “doodles” on it that look like slug trails.

"Come awn evah-ree-bod-ee! Lets dew thu Boot Sceewt Buugie! Evar-ee-bod-ee say Wew-hew! Ain't this uh reel knee-slapper of uh guud time? Leave yor false teeths at thu door and come "dance" with us!" SLAP!