Fear the Black Ice!

Well, I’d like to extend my appreciation to the local TV stations for working everyone into a panic over “black ice” this morning. It only took me twice as long to get to the office today.

The absolute fear and dread that the term “black ice” instills is ridiculous. According to media reports, the mythical “black ice” is a deadly force that wreaks havoc on bridges and overpasses, waiting with evil glee for its next unsuspecting victim. Stories have single patches of “black ice” no larger than a silver dollar causing multiple car pileups across miles and miles of interstates. “Black ice” often moves across the road to snare cars that attempt to drive around it…it’s intelligent enough to camouflage itself so that it blends in perfectly with the pavement and becomes invisible to the naked eye! OH NO! Who knew ICE could be so deadly? And here I’ve been casually putting it in my drinks this whole time!

When people hear that “black ice” is on the road, they completely change their driving habits. You see them poking around at .5 miles an hour with a trunk full of bread and water and miscellaneous other survival supplies (if you have to stock up on food, why bread? Why not boxes of Little Debbie snacks and Pringles? Those fudge rounds absolutely rule!) They swerve all over the road to avoid the mysterious, invisible patches of slippery ice just waiting to fling them across the median. This is how a single patch of ice the size of a quarter causes wrecks on roads miles away…stupid people doing stupid things because they listened to stupid TV reporters. People act like freaking idiots, get in lots of wrecks and ruin everyone’s morning, and then blame it on a patch of ice on a road they weren’t even on! Then, the reporters are like “See? We warned you about that black ice! Now maybe you’ll listen!”

And so the legend of “Black Ice” grows...

You media lemmings are partially to blame for this. It’s rare to see a journalist these days that doesn’t act as though he’s had several unsuccessful lobotomies. Your not out to report, you’re out to get as many viewers as you can…and “just the facts” doesn’t sell as well as “Winter Storm 2003 – The Day We All Die.” Thus we have “Black ice” – some stupid reporter’s way of making a patch of ice on the road a newsworthy event.

Folks, please get a grip on yourselves and get over it! Ice is not seeking revenge on our species for some past injustice (although some of the stuff we put ice in is certainly not worthy of it – who in the heck drinks Grapico anyways?) It’s just frozen water. It’s not an animate object with an “unquenchable desire for evil”

Wait a minute…my leg feels cold all of a sudden…surely there’s no black ice in my aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

How can it only be 3:00?

Alien overlords please take notice – I have uncovered your nefarious plot to “do more with less” with the human race. I am fully aware of the time manipulation experiments you are performing on us in order to make us work more. I know that you are causing the 8 hour workday to actually last 14 hours. I also know that you are making up for this time differentiation by causing Saturdays and Sundays only last 2.5 hours each.

If you don’t stop I’ll rock my jar back and forth till it falls over and breaks, killing the brain contained within and depriving you of my portion of the brainwave energy you are stealing to power your ships.

Only an alien could do something so heartless…NOW LET ME OUT OF THIS FREAKING PLACE!

WILL THIS DAY EVER END?

Four things you should not do

In my attempts to bring about some positive changes in our society, I offer up these four activities that I strongly recommend you not do.

1. Be a proctologist

While many of us work around buttholes all day, we hardly have this level of exposure to them. Not exactly the kind of sights and sounds I want my work to involve…some things should just be left alone.

2. Camp out for movie tickets

What kind of idiot sleeps outside the movie theatre for tickets? Are you afraid that you won’t get to see the movie? Has there ever been a person who wanted to see a movie but was in some way denied access to tickets? Do they give away cash to the first people in line or something? I just don’t understand what you achieve, besides looking like an out of work idiot, by doing this. Live at home with your parents much? NERD!

3. Eat liver

I cannot believe that people do this voluntarily. Have you smelled this stuff before? I’d rather have my face pushed down in a garbage can full of used baby diapers and lima beans than have to smell liver – it’s that bad. Plus, if you know the function of this organ and still eat it…well, I have to question your sanity. I really don’t know how else to say this – IT TASTES HORRIBLE.

4. Use those stupid two way walkie-talkie phones

...because no one else is interested in hearing your conversation with your mother about the hemorrhoid cream she uses. It’s bad enough when you hear one side of a conversation because some doof is too inconsiderate to realize how loudly he’s talking on the phone. Now, with these devices, I get to hear both sides of your uninteresting conversation! Yay me! Bottom line - it’s loud, it’s inconsiderate, and you look like white trash using it.

Is your journey haunting you?

“Your journey back to birth…is haunting you, haunting you. Your departure from the earth…is haunting you, haunting you.”

It’s hard these days to find music that has insightful lyrics, so when I heard the above line from a CD I recently purchased I was a little surprised. These lyrics capture what I think is the question that haunts us all – what has my life been all about and how will it end?

I am certainly haunted by the journey that has been my life. Thinking back on what I’ve done, how I’ve spent my time, what I’ve made important…I realize how foolish I’ve been. To have been given so much and to have accomplished so little is a shame I almost cannot bear. I have lived solely for the sake of living. I’ve treated my life as the end rather than the means to a much greater end and in doing so have missed out on many opportunities to do something meaningful. The thought of what I could have done and should have done fills my heart with sorrow and regret.

And yes, I think about how my life will end. The thought of facing my God and my Savior with nothing more to show for the life I’ve been given! Such a precious gift in my hands and yet my accounting for its use will be sorely lacking. If I were to go home now…to my real home…that would be a trip filled with shame. I am not ready to explain what I have done, or rather what I have failed to do, with the opportunity given me. Oh yes…my “departure from the earth” is haunting me.

Just then, when I’m feeling pretty low, I hear a faint whisper from somewhere inside that reminds me - my life is not over yet. What am I going to do?

What are you going to do?

Stop being such a lazy bum!

Does it annoy you like it does me when you see people spending excessive amounts of time and effort just to get a parking place that’s as close to the front of the store as possible? I mean, it’s not like there is a huge difference between the spot in the back and the spot in the front…we’re not talking about miles here folks. Usually you save about 20 yards. Is it really worth the time and effort (not to mention the freaking aggravation you cause everyone else who has to drive around you while you wait for the very front space) just to save yourself from walking a bit?

What I really love is when you see people do this at the grocery store, and then later see them buying weight loss products. You’re so committed to losing weight that you’ll force down one of those Salisbury steaks from Lean Cuisine but you won’t walk an extra 20 yards through the parking lot. Can you say “guaranteed failure”?

Thinking will not damage your brain – some of you should give it a try.