Four things you should not do

In my attempts to bring about some positive changes in our society, I offer up these four activities that I strongly recommend you not do.

1. Be a proctologist

While many of us work around buttholes all day, we hardly have this level of exposure to them. Not exactly the kind of sights and sounds I want my work to involve…some things should just be left alone.

2. Camp out for movie tickets

What kind of idiot sleeps outside the movie theatre for tickets? Are you afraid that you won’t get to see the movie? Has there ever been a person who wanted to see a movie but was in some way denied access to tickets? Do they give away cash to the first people in line or something? I just don’t understand what you achieve, besides looking like an out of work idiot, by doing this. Live at home with your parents much? NERD!

3. Eat liver

I cannot believe that people do this voluntarily. Have you smelled this stuff before? I’d rather have my face pushed down in a garbage can full of used baby diapers and lima beans than have to smell liver – it’s that bad. Plus, if you know the function of this organ and still eat it…well, I have to question your sanity. I really don’t know how else to say this – IT TASTES HORRIBLE.

4. Use those stupid two way walkie-talkie phones

...because no one else is interested in hearing your conversation with your mother about the hemorrhoid cream she uses. It’s bad enough when you hear one side of a conversation because some doof is too inconsiderate to realize how loudly he’s talking on the phone. Now, with these devices, I get to hear both sides of your uninteresting conversation! Yay me! Bottom line - it’s loud, it’s inconsiderate, and you look like white trash using it.