Well, I’d like to extend my appreciation to the local TV stations for working everyone into a panic over “black ice” this morning. It only took me twice as long to get to the office today.
The absolute fear and dread that the term “black ice” instills is ridiculous. According to media reports, the mythical “black ice” is a deadly force that wreaks havoc on bridges and overpasses, waiting with evil glee for its next unsuspecting victim. Stories have single patches of “black ice” no larger than a silver dollar causing multiple car pileups across miles and miles of interstates. “Black ice” often moves across the road to snare cars that attempt to drive around it…it’s intelligent enough to camouflage itself so that it blends in perfectly with the pavement and becomes invisible to the naked eye! OH NO! Who knew ICE could be so deadly? And here I’ve been casually putting it in my drinks this whole time!
When people hear that “black ice” is on the road, they completely change their driving habits. You see them poking around at .5 miles an hour with a trunk full of bread and water and miscellaneous other survival supplies (if you have to stock up on food, why bread? Why not boxes of Little Debbie snacks and Pringles? Those fudge rounds absolutely rule!) They swerve all over the road to avoid the mysterious, invisible patches of slippery ice just waiting to fling them across the median. This is how a single patch of ice the size of a quarter causes wrecks on roads miles away…stupid people doing stupid things because they listened to stupid TV reporters. People act like freaking idiots, get in lots of wrecks and ruin everyone’s morning, and then blame it on a patch of ice on a road they weren’t even on! Then, the reporters are like “See? We warned you about that black ice! Now maybe you’ll listen!”
And so the legend of “Black Ice” grows...
You media lemmings are partially to blame for this. It’s rare to see a journalist these days that doesn’t act as though he’s had several unsuccessful lobotomies. Your not out to report, you’re out to get as many viewers as you can…and “just the facts” doesn’t sell as well as “Winter Storm 2003 – The Day We All Die.” Thus we have “Black ice” – some stupid reporter’s way of making a patch of ice on the road a newsworthy event.
Folks, please get a grip on yourselves and get over it! Ice is not seeking revenge on our species for some past injustice (although some of the stuff we put ice in is certainly not worthy of it – who in the heck drinks Grapico anyways?) It’s just frozen water. It’s not an animate object with an “unquenchable desire for evil”
Wait a minute…my leg feels cold all of a sudden…surely there’s no black ice in my aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!
3 comments:
Black ice --- on Black tar
There you go again whitey... puttin down the black man. I don't hear anybody screaming about WHITE ice. No. Just the BLACK ice. The WHITE man's WHITE ice once again gets the best place in the man's drink while the beat down BLACK ice gets put out on the road.
If we had black ice in our black soda, we would not realize it was there, so we have to have white ice to escape choking on the black ice we can't see :) So really, you need to blame soda companies for making their drinks black :)
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