Life lessons, lucky day style

Always bring your own pen into the doctor's office, because you never know what sort of festering ooze the guy before you transmitted to that pen-on-a-string at the sign-in desk.  The last thing you want to do is grab hold of something that every single patient in a doctor's office has touched.

Your party guests WILL be disappointed when you serve them "Dr. Fizz" or "Lime-n-ade" instead of real "Dr. Pepper" or "Sprite".  Considering the savings you'll reap on making these "smart" purchases will end up totaling no more than 32 cents, it's really not worth going this route.  And to deflect some common objections that are usually raised here - no, they don't taste just as good as the original...yes, people will notice the difference...and yes, you will get made fun of when you're not around.  

You don't have to wear socks that match.  This is a marketing ploy by sock manufacturers who know that you will lose socks over time - they hope you'll simply quit wearing the sock who's partner has been lost and go out and buy more.  Newsflash: we wear shoes in this country.  No one will ever see what your socks look like, and they certainly will not be able to see if you have the same number of stripes on each leg.  Fight the power! (the sock manufacturer power, that is...say no to "Big Sock").

It is a well-known and accepted truth that deviled eggs suck.  They look like someone cut a bunch of eggs in half and then puked in them.  They smell like caramelized skunk butt on a hot summer's day.  They are not appealing in any way.  Don't make them, don't serve them, and if anyone happens to accidentally consume one of them don't ask them how they taste because they're probably struggling to keep from "ralphing" all over the place.      

If you ask for someone's opinion on a new outfit, and they tell you that it's "different", don't ask them for clarification as to whether it's "different good" or "different bad" because regardless of what they tell you the true answer is, "different in the sense that it looks like you stole it off the back of a blind biker clown with a tendency to dress in drag and a perspiration problem."  Just walk away while the meaning is still ambiguous.

It might sound like a good idea to dump an entire bowl of Cocoa Krispies cereal into your bowl of ice cream in an attempt to have a chocolaty, crunchy treat...but the Krispies get soggy faster than you think and it ends up being a disaster.  Try crunchy peanut butter instead!  

The best way to avoid getting in trouble when your boss walks by and catches you sleeping with your head on your desk is to raise your head up slowly while saying, "...in Jesus' name I pray...Amen."  (please note that this won't work if you have the moral fiber of a 5th generation pirate...then he wouldn't buy that you were actually praying)

Always give the pizza delivery guy a good tip, because he spends 20-30 minutes alone with your food each time he brings it to you.  You do not want a guy with that kind of access upset with you.  Plus, he's more than likely depressed, underpaid, struggling with severe hormonal imbalances common amongst teenagers, and staving off a skin breakout - and it just so happens that he also knows exactly where you live.

Boy, these deviled eggs sure are "different"...I'll hold off eating any for now to make sure all the other guests get some first.  Plus I'm feeling kind of bloated right now after drinking all that "Mountain Doo"...   

You might not have thought of this...

If you had a relative living with you in your house that behaved like your cat behaves, you'd kick them out in no time flat.  You'd never accept another human being mooching off of you, having you wait on them hand and foot...letting them tear your stuff up, puke up partially-eaten ribbons and strings in places you don't discover until you step in them...pooping in all the dark corners of your house.  Yet somehow this behavior is ok as long as it's a cat that's doing it.

Last night at my house, a friend of mine ate a bunch of "organic" jellybeans that she had bought from some do-gooder health-conscious hippy store.  Several hours later she was in the hospital with a slew of strange symptoms and an incredibly painful migraine.  Folks, let this be a lesson to us all!  Trying to make healthy candy goes against the very laws of nature!  Candy is not supposed to be good for you, and attempts to make it healthy only end up hurting us all.  The bottom line is this - you cannot be healthy AND eat stuff that tastes good.  You have to choose one or the other.  If you try to straddle the fence and do both, you find yourself shopping in these "organic" food stores full of stuff most goats won't eat.  These stores sell things like "hamburgers" that contain nothing more than celery stalks and tree bark.  They tell you that coffee will kill you, but will sell you some ancient beet root that contains one thousands times the caffeine you'd get if you funneled "Grande Extra Latte Mucho Biggo Cuppo" cappuccinos at Starbucks.  The "pharmacy" in these places is run by some guy who graduated from the University of Nigeria with a degree in Advanced Sharecropping.  Don't fall for this stuff!  If you want to eat healthy stuff, eat real fruit and vegetables and be satisfied with your pansy ways.  If you want to indulge like the rest of us, get some REAL jellybeans and stop eating ones made from bee pollen, ginger root (cause that's in every herbal remedy) and cancer-inducing fake sugar. 

Have you ever thought about the naming conventions behind some of the deodorants being sold today?  I'll never understand why someone chose to name a deodorant "Speed Stick".  What does speed have to do with underarm deodorant?  Is the application of deodorant using their product much faster than what they used to do?  Did you used to have to paint your deodorant on with a brush or something before "Speed Stick" came out?  For those who aren't as much concerned with speed as they are with having a deodorant that has been properly aged, there's "Old Spice".  I'm not sure what the appeal is supposed to be here - when we're talking about things we want to smell like, should the adjective "old" be a part of that conversation?  Is this wine or anti-persperant?  For you ladies who like to gossip, there's "Secret"...and personally I'm still waiting to hear what the "secret" is.  Some of you will say, "The secret is that it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!", but that CAN'T be the secret because they tell you that in their commercials!  Everyone knows that!  If that's what it is, they need to change the name from "Secret" to "Well-Known Marketing Fact".  I really believe that years from now we'll find out this stuff is actually made from the toenails of innocent gerbils, cruelly slaughtered so you girls can have your precious little "secret".  There's also a ladies deodorant called "Soft and Dri", which I guess keeps your armpits soft?  I don't know about the rest of you guys, but nothing gets me hot like some soft, supple armpit.  This is so....GRODY TO THE MAX! (dredging up old 80's slang - 150 points!)  Caressing armpits sounds like something the French would do - is there that big of a demand for it over here?  If a woman's armpits weren't soft, would anyone ever know about it?  

It's like Jerry Seinfeld once said, "Why do they call it Ovaltine?  The container is round, the scoop is round, the glass is round...they should call it Roundtine."  

"Attention Nature's Foodmart shoppers!  Today we have a two-for-one special on our Old Timer's brand of "KelpBurgers", made with 100% seaweed extract and, of course, ginger root!  These diarrhea inducing sandwiches are sure to be a hit with your family, so buy some today and don't forget to stock up on our "WoodChips for Buttwipes" brand toilet paper as well!" 

What to do with the flu?

I've caught the flu bug that is ravaging the entire country. What the heck is there to do when you have the flu? Well, I'll tell you...

You can see just how many blankets a human being can put on top of them while still feeling cold.

While your fever is still kicking, you can hang around with lots of people you don't like very much.

You can whimper a lot in hopes that people will give you free stuff and money.

There's a lot more you can do, but I need to go curl up and die...since I'm sick, no more blogs this week. Sorry gang - I know many of you will be heartbroken and will live unfulfilled lives. I'll post a new poll tomorrow to give you something to do while I'm gone.

I feel too bad to put a funny little tag line down here.

A trip to the salon!

My wife got her hair cut the other day and it got me thinking about the mysterious world of the hair salon.  Most of us know very little about these places...well, except for the fact that they always have that weird smell in there, like someone's boiling a cat or something. 

When guys get their hair cut it's a very simple process.  We head out for the nearest strip mall and go to some place with a name like "Great Looks" or "First Rate Hair Care".  Once inside, we grab a sports magazine, sit in the barber's chair and say "Make my hair shorter than it is right now."  Then we talk sports while the barber takes a pair of $10 clippers and shears us.  The entire process takes approximately 4.3 minutes and costs $12.  

For you ladies, it's an entirely different ball game. 

The first thing you do is get out the phone book and begin calling "hair salons" to make an appointment.  Most of these are located in malls or fancy spas, and they do not accept walk-in customers.  The reason for this is poor math skills.  You see, it takes a very long time to get your hair fixed up in these places...usually two hours at a minimum.  However, when customers call to make appointments, they schedule them thirty minutes apart!  Anyone with remedial math abilities can begin to perceive the problem here...it takes two hours to get a customer out of the salon, but you have new customers come in every thirty minutes.  I'm not sure why they do this - it's like they all have short-term memory loss and think, "Yeah...it only takes about thirty minutes to do a dye job...tell her we can see her at 4:30."  If your wife says she has a hair appointment at 5pm, what this means to you as a husband and father is that you are going to be putting the kids to bed solo.  Her butt won't even touch the chair until 7pm.  Incidentally, this is why you always see ladies who go to the same hair salon over and over again becoming good friends - what else are they going to do for hours and hours while they wait but talk to one another?

It would be easy to say that they're just goofing off in there and that no haircut should take more than a few minutes, let alone hours, to complete. (in fact, if a barber spends more than 7 minutes working on a guy's hair, it's assumed he's trying to hit on you and you need to leave immediately)But if you've ever walked past one of these salons, you realize that there is a heck of a lot more going on in there.  For guys, it's a simple cut...maybe a handful of gel in some cases.  For the ladies, it's like they're trying to build a molecular separator in there.  You'll see all sorts of complex, mysterious behavior going on.  Some ladies will be seated underneath dome-shaped devices resembling old space helmets while all sorts of jets and steam and stuff rush out onto their hair.  Some ladies will have portions of their hair wrapped in aluminum foil while goopy junk is globbed all over their head.  Ladies with flat hair will use little miniature irons to make their hair curly, while other ladies with curly hair will use different irons to make theirs flat.  Sometimes they go in with long hair and come out with short hair, which makes sense...but then other times a girl with short hair goes in and 3 hours later she comes back out and her hair is long!  Hair that is brown becomes blond and vice-versa, and hair that is one solid color gets painted streaks put in it.  This is no haircut - it's a science and art project.   

Now, I've written many profound things during my time in this blog...but the next sentence I write is perhaps the most profound truth I have ever unleashed on my audience.

There is never a more dangerous time in a man's life than the first few moments of viewing your wife's hair after a salon visit. 

One wrong word or strange look can cause her to burst into tears.  She's been through a three hour gauntlet of alien technology and gelatinous goops, and the thought that she does not look dramatically different now than she did before she went in is more than she can bear.  Rest assured, she will be intently studying your reaction, searching for any signs that you might not like her new hairdo.  Every word you say will be parsed and analyzed, every pause and breath questioned.  This is a critical point in your relationship with her - so here are a few tips to making sure you don't end up taking a heel to the back of the head:

• You must learn to stifle and hide your immediate reaction to her hair.  Get into the habit of hiding your reaction so that you give yourself time to think about what you want to say to her...time to remind yourself that this haircut is as important as any issue you are currently facing in your life.  Shocking and/or grimacing looks are not recommended.
• Sometimes she will come home and her hair will look EXACTLY THE SAME to you.  This is not a trick - their hairstyles often contain minute differences that only someone who obsesses over them would notice.  Be prepared for this and be ready to make many comments about how it DOES NOT look exactly the same.  Tell her you couldn't recognize her without I.D.
• As you remember the above point that I just made, realize that saying her hair is "different" is not a good thing.  You must notice that it's different, but you must not let this be something you say directly.  "Wow, it sure looks different" translates to "What blind monkey butchered your hair?"
• She may tell you that she does not like her haircut and may try to get you to agree with her on this.  THIS IS A TRICK.  She really loves it - she's trying to make you think that since she doesn't like it, it's ok for you to be truthful and tell her that you really think it looks like she had her hair cut with a rusty spoon.  Well it's not ok - in fact, never, ever say the haircut sucks or...you...will...die.

Fortunately for me, my wife's haircut turned out great and she looks incredible.  I hope you guys have the same good fortune!

"You want me to do what to your tips?  Boy, we don't got none of that sissy-fied stuff goin' on up in here.  Your options are a hair cut, a shorter hair cut or one of them fancy flat-top jobs.  I got a old Windex bottle full of tap water that I'll spray your head with before I go to cuttin' it.  Then you pay me and get out, and don't steal none of my magazines either."

I might be losing it...

I find myself getting snippy with inanimate objects a lot lately.  Like the other day, when I found myself scolding my daughter's Toy Story Woody doll about his incessant whining.  I told him, "You'll never amount to anything if you keep that up.  I want less whine and more work out of you.  QUIT YOUR BABYCRYING AND GET SOMETHING DONE!  OH, POOR BABY...ALL UPSET BECAUSE SOME BRAT KID WON'T PLAY WITH YOU ANYMORE...YOU GONNA LET THAT LITTLE JERK DICTATE HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE?  STOP IT WITH THE PITY PARTY AND GET BUSY LIVING!  WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE BUZZ?" 

If I have to go into an asylum or a mental ward, I hope I can be one of those guys that plays ping-pong all day....'cause ping-pong rules.  It's fast, frenetic action and doesn't require sanity to play!  I wonder if the name "ping-pong" was derived from the last names of two Asian guys who perhaps invented the game itself?  One day Li-shu Ping and Wei Pong wanted to play tennis but it was raining outside, so they decided to create a miniature tennis court to play on inside Li-shu's garage right next to his rickshaw.  Wei was like, "Ahh so, we sell this to rich white people who want social clout of playing tennis but who no like go outside." and the "ping-pong" table was born. 

Uhh...what am I writing here?

"Yeah, yeah...we've all heard it before Buzz.  You're a space ranger.  Great.  Where's the market for a skill set like that?  You'll be out on the streets in a week with no place to go and no abilities that employers are looking for."

As your president...

Yes, you heard it here first...I am officially throwing my hat in the ring for the presidency!  Given the fact that both the republican and democratic nominees will absolutely suck this year, I figure why not start up a write-in campaign?  After all, I have several qualities none of the other candidates have that I think would be beneficial, and you KNOW I'm going to tell the truth and tell you exactly where I stand on any given issue.  Plus, unlike the candidates we have right now, I'm smart, have common sense, am not completely driven by the desire to have more power (not completely...although I'd like to have just enough power to make people who park their cars crooked and end up taking more than one parking space wear jellyfish jockstraps), and am not a complete jackweasel.

And hey!  Consider these insanely awesome promises I'll make to you!

If elected, I will move to abolish the ability to custom order food at any drive-thru...this will speed up the process and will force all the special order morons to go inside.  Imagine how much your life will change when you get back all that time you normally spend sitting in line at Burger King while some dullard tries to get "light mayo only" on his 2000 calorie Whopper. 

If elected, I will act quickly and decisively to enact legislation banning the airing of "Mentos" commercials on TV.

If elected, I pledge to put an end to the practice of writing and selling those "Idiot's" books.  If you are inclined to read books, you are likely not an idiot.  Idiots avoid books like country music singers avoid meaning and depth in their songs...so littering the shelves of every bookstore with "The Idiot's Guide to Annoying the Mess Out of Your Neighbors Through Creative Landscape" is a meaningless waste of time and energy.   

If elected, I promise to move towards a vegetable-free society where none of us are forced to eat food that looks like shrubbery and has to be smothered in buckets of cheese just to be palatable.  Our founding fathers did not suffer and struggle all those years just so that we could eek out a living...they wanted us to have the best kind of life possible.  And folks, I cannot imagine a great life being one filled with the eating of mustard greens...

If you elect me...I will make dairy companies produce only one kind of milk.  No longer will you have to sort through all the varieties of vitamin-enriched, skimmed-low-fat free, uranium-infused milks.  There will just be one kind, it will say "FREAKING MILK" on the label and you'll just grab it.  Do you realize that they make milk now that has bacteria in it - on purpose?  They are actually ADDING bacteria to our milk now.  This isn't what America is all about!

Write my name in on your ballot, and when I'm elected I'll invite all those who voted for me over to the White House for a HUGE party! 

I do need to find a running mate though...this is going to be tough because I need someone who can make me look good but who won't upstage me.  I also want someone who will pummel anyone who disagrees with my policies.  I'll begin accepting applications now, but if I were you I'd hurry because I know there will be a lot of interest in this position.  The pay doesn't suck either.

I don't care if I get elected or not, I'm still not going to wear a suit because suits suck and I don't like to do stuff that sucks.