You might not have thought of this...

If you had a relative living with you in your house that behaved like your cat behaves, you'd kick them out in no time flat.  You'd never accept another human being mooching off of you, having you wait on them hand and foot...letting them tear your stuff up, puke up partially-eaten ribbons and strings in places you don't discover until you step in them...pooping in all the dark corners of your house.  Yet somehow this behavior is ok as long as it's a cat that's doing it.

Last night at my house, a friend of mine ate a bunch of "organic" jellybeans that she had bought from some do-gooder health-conscious hippy store.  Several hours later she was in the hospital with a slew of strange symptoms and an incredibly painful migraine.  Folks, let this be a lesson to us all!  Trying to make healthy candy goes against the very laws of nature!  Candy is not supposed to be good for you, and attempts to make it healthy only end up hurting us all.  The bottom line is this - you cannot be healthy AND eat stuff that tastes good.  You have to choose one or the other.  If you try to straddle the fence and do both, you find yourself shopping in these "organic" food stores full of stuff most goats won't eat.  These stores sell things like "hamburgers" that contain nothing more than celery stalks and tree bark.  They tell you that coffee will kill you, but will sell you some ancient beet root that contains one thousands times the caffeine you'd get if you funneled "Grande Extra Latte Mucho Biggo Cuppo" cappuccinos at Starbucks.  The "pharmacy" in these places is run by some guy who graduated from the University of Nigeria with a degree in Advanced Sharecropping.  Don't fall for this stuff!  If you want to eat healthy stuff, eat real fruit and vegetables and be satisfied with your pansy ways.  If you want to indulge like the rest of us, get some REAL jellybeans and stop eating ones made from bee pollen, ginger root (cause that's in every herbal remedy) and cancer-inducing fake sugar. 

Have you ever thought about the naming conventions behind some of the deodorants being sold today?  I'll never understand why someone chose to name a deodorant "Speed Stick".  What does speed have to do with underarm deodorant?  Is the application of deodorant using their product much faster than what they used to do?  Did you used to have to paint your deodorant on with a brush or something before "Speed Stick" came out?  For those who aren't as much concerned with speed as they are with having a deodorant that has been properly aged, there's "Old Spice".  I'm not sure what the appeal is supposed to be here - when we're talking about things we want to smell like, should the adjective "old" be a part of that conversation?  Is this wine or anti-persperant?  For you ladies who like to gossip, there's "Secret"...and personally I'm still waiting to hear what the "secret" is.  Some of you will say, "The secret is that it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!", but that CAN'T be the secret because they tell you that in their commercials!  Everyone knows that!  If that's what it is, they need to change the name from "Secret" to "Well-Known Marketing Fact".  I really believe that years from now we'll find out this stuff is actually made from the toenails of innocent gerbils, cruelly slaughtered so you girls can have your precious little "secret".  There's also a ladies deodorant called "Soft and Dri", which I guess keeps your armpits soft?  I don't know about the rest of you guys, but nothing gets me hot like some soft, supple armpit.  This is so....GRODY TO THE MAX! (dredging up old 80's slang - 150 points!)  Caressing armpits sounds like something the French would do - is there that big of a demand for it over here?  If a woman's armpits weren't soft, would anyone ever know about it?  

It's like Jerry Seinfeld once said, "Why do they call it Ovaltine?  The container is round, the scoop is round, the glass is round...they should call it Roundtine."  

"Attention Nature's Foodmart shoppers!  Today we have a two-for-one special on our Old Timer's brand of "KelpBurgers", made with 100% seaweed extract and, of course, ginger root!  These diarrhea inducing sandwiches are sure to be a hit with your family, so buy some today and don't forget to stock up on our "WoodChips for Buttwipes" brand toilet paper as well!"