Life lessons, lucky day style

Always bring your own pen into the doctor's office, because you never know what sort of festering ooze the guy before you transmitted to that pen-on-a-string at the sign-in desk.  The last thing you want to do is grab hold of something that every single patient in a doctor's office has touched.

Your party guests WILL be disappointed when you serve them "Dr. Fizz" or "Lime-n-ade" instead of real "Dr. Pepper" or "Sprite".  Considering the savings you'll reap on making these "smart" purchases will end up totaling no more than 32 cents, it's really not worth going this route.  And to deflect some common objections that are usually raised here - no, they don't taste just as good as the original...yes, people will notice the difference...and yes, you will get made fun of when you're not around.  

You don't have to wear socks that match.  This is a marketing ploy by sock manufacturers who know that you will lose socks over time - they hope you'll simply quit wearing the sock who's partner has been lost and go out and buy more.  Newsflash: we wear shoes in this country.  No one will ever see what your socks look like, and they certainly will not be able to see if you have the same number of stripes on each leg.  Fight the power! (the sock manufacturer power, that is...say no to "Big Sock").

It is a well-known and accepted truth that deviled eggs suck.  They look like someone cut a bunch of eggs in half and then puked in them.  They smell like caramelized skunk butt on a hot summer's day.  They are not appealing in any way.  Don't make them, don't serve them, and if anyone happens to accidentally consume one of them don't ask them how they taste because they're probably struggling to keep from "ralphing" all over the place.      

If you ask for someone's opinion on a new outfit, and they tell you that it's "different", don't ask them for clarification as to whether it's "different good" or "different bad" because regardless of what they tell you the true answer is, "different in the sense that it looks like you stole it off the back of a blind biker clown with a tendency to dress in drag and a perspiration problem."  Just walk away while the meaning is still ambiguous.

It might sound like a good idea to dump an entire bowl of Cocoa Krispies cereal into your bowl of ice cream in an attempt to have a chocolaty, crunchy treat...but the Krispies get soggy faster than you think and it ends up being a disaster.  Try crunchy peanut butter instead!  

The best way to avoid getting in trouble when your boss walks by and catches you sleeping with your head on your desk is to raise your head up slowly while saying, "...in Jesus' name I pray...Amen."  (please note that this won't work if you have the moral fiber of a 5th generation pirate...then he wouldn't buy that you were actually praying)

Always give the pizza delivery guy a good tip, because he spends 20-30 minutes alone with your food each time he brings it to you.  You do not want a guy with that kind of access upset with you.  Plus, he's more than likely depressed, underpaid, struggling with severe hormonal imbalances common amongst teenagers, and staving off a skin breakout - and it just so happens that he also knows exactly where you live.

Boy, these deviled eggs sure are "different"...I'll hold off eating any for now to make sure all the other guests get some first.  Plus I'm feeling kind of bloated right now after drinking all that "Mountain Doo"...