Football and shaved heads!

Probably within the next two weeks, I’ll be shaving my head. I’ve always wanted to shave my head and see what I’d look like bald with a beard, and I think I’ve worked up enough courage to do it. A few folks have said that it will make me look tougher and meaner and more intimidating, and that’s exactly what I’ll need for teaching children’s church. (“Get back in your seats NOW you little…”) The problem is that you really don’t know what you’ll find under there. For all I know, my parents could have had me tattooed when I was young…and upon shaving my head I’ll discover a slightly distended naked Elvis staring back at me. Providing I don’t look like a used potato, I’ll update my profile picture so you can see the white-skulled goodness.

Speaking of goodness, football season is drawing near! Since I now have a high-definition TV I plan on having people over when I can to watch games. I figured now would be a good time to spell out a few rules for football parties that everyone should adhere to.

First, if you are asked to bring snacks, bring good snacks. If it’s potato chips, don’t bring any weird flavored junk. Potato chips are supposed to taste good…they’re not supposed to be doused in smelly, butt-tastic vinegar…they are not PICKLES. So don’t get creative, don’t try to be different…just get some normal chips or else you can sit at home alone with your smell bag of crap. And we don’t need any health food! Don’t you dare come over with a sack full of multi-grain bread and celery sticks and expect me to show you the love. I’m not going to eat apple slices and I don’t care what you dip them in. I want grease and sugar and salt...if your snack doesn’t have these, take it out to the driveway and run over it with your car. Then go home.

Also, while I know it’s tempting, please don’t get into any long-running conversations during the game. To be honest, this is really aimed at the ladies… most guys are genetically predisposed to focus on the game and not make idle chitter-chatter. All conversations should last no more than 2-3 minutes, which allows you to sneak them in during the commercial breaks (unless it’s the Super Bowl, in which case the commercials are funny so you can’t talk at all until it’s over). Things I want to hear are: the popping of helmets and pads, announcers discussing plays, interviews, scores from other games. Things I do not want to hear are: how you got your bangs to be so “poofy”, what Lisa said to Jamie yesterday about Jessica, who “done it” on CSI last week, “calm down…it’s just a game.”

This brings me to another point. There are times, rare as they may be, during the course of a game when I might accidentally and temporarily become mentally unstable. In this state, there is a slight chance that I’ll say things a person of my position and upbringing might regret and for which I’ll have to spend a great deal of time convincing my 4-year old should not be repeated. On rare occasions, I might get so mad that I’ll unintentionally smash something with my fist or throw heavy objects at random targets in my house. And while it’s certainly not the norm, there’s a small chance that I’ll have a disgusted scowl on my face for 2 or 3 hours and act with hostility towards anyone who approaches me. I'm sure this won't happen, but just to be safe you might want to stay away if stuff like this bothers you.

So long as we understand each other we should all be fine! I mean, of course, unless someone touches "excalibur" (my remote)...but everyone knows not to do that right? Right?

“There’s a flag on the play, let’s go to the referee…”

“We have an illegal discussion on the person sitting in the recliner. Person tried to talk about the new Reese Witherspoon chick flick (where she finally finds the love of her life but loses him to a freak fishing accident on the day they were to be married so she spends the rest of her life fishing and sees his ghost there every day oh how romantic blah blah blah) during a non-commercial segment of the game. Player is penalized half the distance to the kitchen…”