Things have been crazy at our house lately, and last night we decided to just grab a frozen pizza from the store to eat for dinner. We’ve been buying the “California Pizza Kitchen” variety of pizzas lately, primarily because we like their Marguerite Pizzas. This time, however, my wife accidentally grabbed a “Garlic Chicken” pizza – we hadn’t tried this kind yet, and figured “Hey…how bad can it be?”
Well, on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, I'd give this pizza a score of WARMED UP CHEESE-COVERED SLICES OF DEATH. (I don't know the numerical ratings equivalent of that) The only redeeming quality of this pizza is that it will have you praying in mere seconds after your first bite - granted, what you'll be praying for is a swift end to your suffering, but it's better than not praying at all, right? In all honesty, it's the only reason I can see God allowing something this bad to be created and sold.
Incidentally (and keep in mind that I’m no marketing expert), should you be selling a pizza that tastes like butt? Not just regular ole’ butt either…we’re talking about roasted butt with a side order of dirty diapers and a tall glass of armpit. I mean, is there a market for food like this? Was this pizza ever taste-tested before going to market? How can a company claim to have quality assurance procedures in place and at the same time allow a pizza like this to be made and sold?
What made it worse was that I couldn’t get the taste out of my mouth! I just started chugging stuff…water, apple juice, bleach, cheap whiskey, plutonium…but nothing worked. I went to brush my teeth, and my toothbrush jumped out of the drawer and made a break for the toilet – I guess it figured whatever was in there would be more welcome than whatever was in my mouth.
In short, I hate these pizzas and suggest you avoid them like grim death.
The only reason I could EVER see firing up another one of these pizzas is if the in-laws are coming over for dinner...just hide all the toilet paper, serve the pizza, and let the fun begin! Just make sure you don't eat any of it yourself...
2 comments:
This one was freakin' awesome, Jeremy. You should print it off and frame it. This should be a comic in Sunday's paper. It should be a scene on a sitcom. I think I'm gonna read it again. I needed that, Uncle Jeremy. Thanks!
Nice Jer Mo. You are more talented then first believed, to turn one of my favorite foods "pizza" into comic scene is most humorous. I like this article. You should write something about co-workers who call in and say they are going to be late, several times a week..I would print it out and hang it up in my office...for my co-workers to read :)
Post a Comment