Is it just me?

This morning I ate one of these crappy “Oats & Honey” granola bar things…you know, the ones that look and taste like pressboard. Before I ate it, I was thinking to myself how awful these things tasted, and I was grumbling to myself and going “Freaking health food…I hate this stuff…(grumble grumble)…stupid thing will wind up sticking to my teeth for the entire morning…turns to cement when ya eat it!...(grumble groan)…I freaking HATE oats…oats are for horses, not humans!...GRRRRRRR!!!!”

Then, right before I went to put the stupid thing in my mouth, I bowed my head and said a quick prayer thanking God for it! After all that complaining and moaning, I just went right on and said “thanks” to God, and I even tried to act sincere about it! I was like “Thank you for this food Lord, please bless it to my body.” Now I don’t know if it was my brain or if it was God, but something inside my head went “Yeah right. You’re real appreciative aren’t ya. You think I can’t hear you?” I’m just waiting for the day when God decides to cure my lack of appreciation for His provision with a sudden and very extreme case of diarrhea.

Speaking of stuff that’s bogus…as many of you know there is a drought going on in many parts of the country. In my neighborhood, we can’t even water the yard or use outside water of any kind unless it’s within a 2 hour time span on a certain day each week. It’s been so hot and so dry that it’s almost been unbearable. People in some areas are literally praying for rain! It’s that bad!

I had forgotten that I hold the key to ending the drought.

I went kayaking this weekend, and despite the fact that it hasn’t rained in months we rafted the river in a constant downpour. Thanks. No rain all summer, and the one day I have an outdoor event it rains all day and the sun is nowhere to be found.

Those of you who know me are not shocked by this either. I have the WORST luck. I know some of you at this point will immediately go “I don’t believe in luck”, but that’s only because you haven’t met me. My wife was not a believer either, but I quickly converted her. I remember the first outdoor excursion we had together…we drove for almost 2 hours to a place called “Noccalula Falls” to do some hiking and enjoy what was a beautiful day outside. We had a picnic lunch and plenty of sunshine, and were ready for a fun, romantic outing. Then LITERALLY as soon as I opened my car door it began pouring down rain. I have never seen clouds form up that quickly. It even rained on my wedding day.

Then there was the time when my wife and I went out for my birthday. I had a certain restaurant I wanted to go to, but when we go there it had BURNED DOWN! So I decided on a second place…it was unexpectedly closed due to a computer problem. The third place we went to was a hot dog joint…I figured at the very least I’d get a chili cheese hot dog. Then the guy told me they were out of chili…so I asked for just the cheese…then he comes back to me and says “Oh, sorry dude…we’re out of that too.” I just got back in my car and went home.

So the question is, can I through simply trying to enjoy my life cause world events to shift? Can I cause bad weather? Traffic jams? Fires?

One image is burned on my brain after every trip that involves going anywhere near Chattanooga – “See Rock City!” Will someone please tell me what the heck is so exciting about this place? I mean, from the way it’s advertised on every other billboard up there, you’d think they were giving out free plutonium. I guess I have a hard time convincing myself to spend money so I can look at rocks.

We interrupt this broadcast with a special news bulletin…Rock City has been engulfed in flames and is burning to the ground. The fire appears to have started in the ticketing area where flames spontaneously leapt out of the turnstile as one park visitor attempted to enter the park…

Caution: Stupid Road Signs Ahead

Caution: People with unstylish, boxy looking cars may swerve while driving in an attempt to damage cars that are much better looking than theirs.



If you're depending on people responsibly turning off their cell phones to keep you from having accidental ignition of your blasting materials, you're screwed.



Note to self: don't let the kids use the playground equipment that's located in the middle of the interstate.



Apparently, this is the sign all the old folks are seeing that the rest of us are not...



I call "poor design" on any road sign that requires you to get out a scientific calculator.



This sign indicates that further down the road you will see many city employees standing around doing nothing. Please note that in spite of the fact that the crew and their equipment are taking up an area of about 200 feet, the left lane of the interstate will be blocked off for no less than 7 miles.

Knowing these signs and their meaning can save your life...I guess. So please take time to develop an intensive road-sign study course and use it regularly!

Hit-increasing rhetoric

I have heard from various sources that inflammatory blogs get more hits...because people get really upset by them and feel the need to comment on them and tell all their friends about it. Too bad my blog isn't all that provocative...

Anyways, we’ve got a baby on the way, and to be honest I really don’t see what all the fuss is about. All it means for me is months and months of getting less sleep and having to deal with “Mr. Chocolate Pants” on a regular basis. (My daughter refers to pooping as “Making a big one”…don’t ask me why) This little sucker is going to cost me all kinds of money through diapers, formula, and all the other baby crap that I’ll have to deal with. Meanwhile, what does he bring to the table? Babies are ugly as heck when they first get here, and some of them don’t ever get cute – they start life ugly and that’s how many of them finish life too. And they don’t do anything worthwhile until they get to be older…at first they can’t take out the trash or cut the grass or anything. Just a little ball of fat sucking up all the oxygen and air conditioning I work hard to provide.

On top of all this, I’ve got to listen to my wife “belly-aching” all the time about how rough it is being pregnant. She says her back hurts, and her stomach hurts, and she feels nauseous all the time…and no matter how cold you make it she’s always hot. Geesh…why don’t you cry about it a little more huh? So you puked a lot the first three months…big deal. I had to play with our other kid while you lay around sick all the time. So your back hurts…I bet it doesn’t hurt half as much as my ears hurt from listening to you complaining about it all the time. If I weren’t such a great husband, I’d tell you to suck it up…but no, as the husband I have to endure the pregnancy quietly and wait on you hand and foot and deal with your stupid cravings. It’s such a drain on me! I need a freaking vacation! I think I’ll take one when the baby’s born…take a guys trip to Las Vegas and go to the casinos and a strip club.

I don’t know why I’m even writing this…most of you who visit here on a regular basis are too stupid to understand the complexities of this issue. You’ll probably be like “How could you!” I don’t expect you to grasp what it’s like to be a real man, or for you ladies what it’s like to know a real man. You’re all just pathetic losers, whipped into submission by our pansy society full of feminists and communists, and you don’t know how to handle life like I do. Heck, most of you probably even think that women should vote! But let me ask you…which woman can make the most beef pot pies for me…the one who is in the kitchen all day, or the one who actually leaves the house to go out and do things only men should do? Yeah - I think I’ve made my point.

If you’ve got a problem with any of this, then leave a comment for me…that is, if you can figure out how to work this website, Mr. Stupid.

If, after carefully reading the title of this blog, you still don’t get the joke behind this post, please send me a check for $35 and a SASE and I’ll send you a copy of the book I just finished reading entitled "How to Retire Early by Selling Advertising Space on Your Overly-Popular Blog”.

If, on the other hand, you actually agree with what I said…well then, you need to take up a dangerous hobby and remove yourself from the reproductive system. I recommend becoming a chain-smoking gas station attendant or the guy who cleans the Polar Bear cages at the zoo after mealtime.

Think about it

If “Little Debbie” regularly ate any of her delicious snack cake products, would they still be able to refer to her as “Little”?

When we were kids, we’d act like we were retarded and go door to door trying to sell a pickle that we had taken a bite out of for $2. Yes, I know…it’s not a nice thing to do, but we were stupid kids. The reactions we got were priceless, though, as people scrambled mentally to know what to say to such a strange offer. They’d be like, “I’m sorry…but I don’t have any cash on me right now” – as if to say they’d buy it if only they had the $2 lying around. It was a pickle with a bite taken out of it!

It seems like my “Wrinkle-Free Dockers” are only “wrinkle-free” after I spend 10 minutes ironing them.

Have you ever noticed that when people ask you “You wanna know what I think?” they never give you time to answer them? Cause…you know…most of the time…well…I don’t.

Nothing ticks me off more than seeing some idiot getting their 3-month old baby’s ears pierced. Needlessly making a kid feel pain angers me like you would not believe. These are the same losers who cried at the doctor’s office when little baby got a shot, and then they walk out the door and go right to the boutique to happily put their kid’s ear under a nail gun. You selfish morons - you know the only reason you’re doing it so that YOU can get comments on how cute she is. Great idea…let your kid suffer so you can be lauded with praise over how “precious” she is with cubic zirconium stapled to her earlobes.

Attention shoppers! Today's special is a buy one, get one free on Husky Debbie's Peanut Butter Waist Buster Rolls. We are also offering a complimentary nosering with each newborn piercing you get done today!

Sweet Freedom

Today’s blog will celebrate the freedom that we as Americans enjoy. I sincerely express my heartfelt gratitude to God for His grace and mercy and blessing. I also thank the many men and women who have fought for the freedoms we enjoy here! This is the greatest country on earth, and anyone who disagrees is either a) a blooming idiot, or b) forbidden to agree because a dictator might kill them for it. I love freedom and the kind of lifestyle I can have because of it. I like being able to do what I want, regardless of how stupid or boring or insane someone else thinks it is.

For example...I like sitting around with obscene amounts of Rocky-Road ice cream watching episodes of American Choppers that I’ve already seen several times. I like playing on my computer for so long that the muscles in my legs start to atrophy and my butt hurts. I like to eat “hot buttered Cheerios”. I like to be in nothing but my underwear and a muscle t-shirt within 2 minutes of entering my house whenever I get home from work – and yes, you can time me. I like to take a bubble bath and read Calvin & Hobbes comic boo…umm, I mean…ermmm…I like to rebuild the transmission on my 69 Shelby…yeah, that’s it…rebuild a tranny. (interesting side note for male readers – I do not recommend soaking in a tub that has any sort of vaporizing, menthol-type stuff in it…you know, that stuff that helps you breathe when you have a cold…cause it “vaporizes” the “guys” and that does NOT feel good) I like yelling at the TV and getting unreasonably upset while watching college football games. I like hating country music and NASCAR rednecks. I like being pessimistic and grouchy and anti-social. I like playing with toys. I like starting projects and never finishing them. I like making fun of people who have crappy looking websites. I like killing any bug that dares enter my field of vision (as all bugs should die and suffer eternally in hell). I like "Sunglasses at Night" by Cory Hart. I like shooting stuffed Barney dolls with my pistol when the opportunity presents itself ("Love on this, you fat tub of stuffing! YAAAAA!...") I like laughing when figure skaters fall down during a routine. I like adding vanilla and cherry flavor to all my soft drinks.

In other words, here’s a big “thank you” to all those who took part in allowing me to be the freak that I am. In any other country, I’d have been forcibly removed from the gene pool long ago…

Ok, the Cheerios…real easy to fix…melt some butter in a pan, chuck the Cheerios in there, let them soak it up…add salt…chow down. They sort of taste like popcorn, and you have the added benefit of not having kernels stuck in your teeth for months. You can thank me later.