Hit-increasing rhetoric

I have heard from various sources that inflammatory blogs get more hits...because people get really upset by them and feel the need to comment on them and tell all their friends about it. Too bad my blog isn't all that provocative...

Anyways, we’ve got a baby on the way, and to be honest I really don’t see what all the fuss is about. All it means for me is months and months of getting less sleep and having to deal with “Mr. Chocolate Pants” on a regular basis. (My daughter refers to pooping as “Making a big one”…don’t ask me why) This little sucker is going to cost me all kinds of money through diapers, formula, and all the other baby crap that I’ll have to deal with. Meanwhile, what does he bring to the table? Babies are ugly as heck when they first get here, and some of them don’t ever get cute – they start life ugly and that’s how many of them finish life too. And they don’t do anything worthwhile until they get to be older…at first they can’t take out the trash or cut the grass or anything. Just a little ball of fat sucking up all the oxygen and air conditioning I work hard to provide.

On top of all this, I’ve got to listen to my wife “belly-aching” all the time about how rough it is being pregnant. She says her back hurts, and her stomach hurts, and she feels nauseous all the time…and no matter how cold you make it she’s always hot. Geesh…why don’t you cry about it a little more huh? So you puked a lot the first three months…big deal. I had to play with our other kid while you lay around sick all the time. So your back hurts…I bet it doesn’t hurt half as much as my ears hurt from listening to you complaining about it all the time. If I weren’t such a great husband, I’d tell you to suck it up…but no, as the husband I have to endure the pregnancy quietly and wait on you hand and foot and deal with your stupid cravings. It’s such a drain on me! I need a freaking vacation! I think I’ll take one when the baby’s born…take a guys trip to Las Vegas and go to the casinos and a strip club.

I don’t know why I’m even writing this…most of you who visit here on a regular basis are too stupid to understand the complexities of this issue. You’ll probably be like “How could you!” I don’t expect you to grasp what it’s like to be a real man, or for you ladies what it’s like to know a real man. You’re all just pathetic losers, whipped into submission by our pansy society full of feminists and communists, and you don’t know how to handle life like I do. Heck, most of you probably even think that women should vote! But let me ask you…which woman can make the most beef pot pies for me…the one who is in the kitchen all day, or the one who actually leaves the house to go out and do things only men should do? Yeah - I think I’ve made my point.

If you’ve got a problem with any of this, then leave a comment for me…that is, if you can figure out how to work this website, Mr. Stupid.

If, after carefully reading the title of this blog, you still don’t get the joke behind this post, please send me a check for $35 and a SASE and I’ll send you a copy of the book I just finished reading entitled "How to Retire Early by Selling Advertising Space on Your Overly-Popular Blog”.

If, on the other hand, you actually agree with what I said…well then, you need to take up a dangerous hobby and remove yourself from the reproductive system. I recommend becoming a chain-smoking gas station attendant or the guy who cleans the Polar Bear cages at the zoo after mealtime.