I hate the airport

First of all, Id like to send out a big "Thank you!" to all of the terrorist scumbags who have made air travel a nightmare for the rest of us.  You losers need to stop breathing our air and go to your blatantly fake, obviously-drummed-up-to-get-people-to-blow-themselves-up, "40 virgins chick paradise" that's reserved for the eternally gullible and easily duped.

Thanks to you, I can't take toothpaste with me on the trip.  Yes, that's right, my TOOTHPASTE got confiscated by security because there was more than 3.4 ounces of it in the container.  Apparently, there are concerns that scurrilous fellows like myself might try to forcibly whiten the pilot's teeth and reduce his cavity count, and therefore we can only bring "travel size" toiletries on the plane.  Please note that when you hear the term "travel size", what you are talking about is a tube of toothpaste the size of a hypodermic needle that's only good for one or two uses. 

Thanks to you, I can't go to the bathroom without taking all my bags with me.  Even though my bags were thoroughly scanned and all the felonious toothpaste removed, there still might be bombs in there.  So now, when I need to use the bathroom, I have to carry all my stuff with me...and let me tell you, that's a real joy.  Please don't bother to add shelves or anything to the bathroom...I'll just put my bags on the dirty, smelly, urine-soaked floor in there...no problem.  

Speaking of airport restrooms...have those places ever seen a single drop of disinfectant or cleaning solution?  It's never a good sign when you can skate from stall to stall in your dress shoes on a layer of "something" that's manifested itself on the floor.  Nice smell too...but hey, if you're worried that sitting down on a toilet seat amidst such filth and decay might jeopardize your health, you can always use one of those paper toilet seat covers and that will make everything alright.  My only question is, why do they have the water pressure jacked up so high on those toilets that it sends water spewing 3 feet above the rim?  Nothing feels quite as refreshing as being splashed by water from an overused airport toilet!  Between the thin layer of paper and the butt washing, you should feel fresh as a daisy when you walk out of there!      

What I love is how cheap airlines have become these days.  You used to get a meal if you flew at lunch or dinner time, and even though it was one of the lowest quality meals you can legally serve without the FDA shutting you down, you'd at least have the choice.  Now they don't offer those meals, which is amazing considering how little they are saving by doing this (because you know those meals didn't cost more than $1 each).  You used to get a toy if you were a kid...those little jets or a plastic set of pilot's wings...but not anymore.  They stopped making kids flights more enjoyable to save the 3 cents per kid it was costing them to give those out.  But the worst was when they started serving pretzels instead of peanuts.  This was a truly disgusting show of greed and depravity on their part.  Pretzels are the suckiest, most boring, most butt-tacular snack ever invented (well, besides vegetable trays...freaking broccoli or carrots for a snack...no way to disappoint a kid more than offering them something like that) and the airlines just offer them knowing half the folks won't take them.  When they served peanuts, old people would be like, "Ehhh...could I have a few bags so I can give them to my grandkids?  There parents make them eat vegetables for snack time" and they'd walk out with a few sacks of them.  Now, no one is requesting extras...and no one wants the one bag they're entitled to.     

I guess what I'm trying to say is that air travel sucks and I hate it.  But I'm guessing you figured that out by now...

"I'm sorry to have to do this sir, but I'm going to have to confiscate this jar of peanuts.  You might try to hand these out to other passengers who refuse to eat pretzels and this is strictly prohibited.  If you'd like, I can take three of the peanuts out and put them in a paper cup, thus making it a 'travel size' version that you could take with you."