My "home-girl" Alli wrote a blog about her recent shopping trip and it got me thinking about something...
I actually saw a commercial the other day for toilet paper that actually has moisturizers right in the paper! That's right...you can buy toilet paper now that will moisturize your butt during the wiping process. Don't ever tell me America isn't the greatest country in the world, because when you can buy products to make your butt more luxurious you've really got something special in terms of a prosperous society. If you live in a country where you can devote time and resources to having a better butt, you pretty much have it made. You know you're doing well when you have time to ask yourself, "Is my butt getting the vitamins and minerals it needs to maintain a young, healthy look?"
Anyway, this got me thinking...am I supposed to be moisturizing my butt? Is there an expectation that the skin of my butt will be silky smooth? I have to admit that I have not, up to this point, spent a lot of time caring of my butt. Nobody told me it was supposed to be a pleasure to behold...I had no idea there was this entire cultural push for butts to be pampered and maintained. I always thought of the butt as a necessary evil. You'd use it to sit on, and to do something else that's not really that great to think about or talk about, and that's about it. I'm not all that big on hanging out down there, so the notion that I'm supposed to be "fixing it up" never occurred to me. I understand wanting smooth, soft hands and faces and stuff like that...but my butt?
By encouraging people to maintain their butts, are we encouraging people to grope one another? I mean, if I decide to ignore the pressure to primp my tush and don't moisturize it, who'd ever know? Is someone going to try to check me out on this? (And yes, Regina and Alli...I do have a butt. I already know what you're thinking and we don't need to go over this again...I know I've got a tiny tush and I can just picture the two of you chuckling your heads off going "Jeremy has such a little butt!") Besides the admiration and approval of your peers, what else would having a well-moisturized butt get you? Easier removal of your pants? More enjoyable times going down water slides? Better dance moves? I guess I just don't understand - who would want this and why? (Please note that this is a rhetorical question...if you moisturize your butt, I don't want to know about it. Just keep your greasy cheeks off my couch.)
I don't care what "everyone else" is doing...I'm not going to moisturize my butt and that's final! If you don't like it, don't grab it!
"Tired of having a dry, cracked butt? Try Gold Bond medicated butt rub and you'll have a smooth, touchable butt in less than two weeks! Don't get caught with chapped cheeks - get Gold Bond and get moisturized!"
7 comments:
HEY EVERYBODY LOOK... JEREMEY JUST SAID BUTT.... A BUNCH OF TIMES!!!
HEY EVERYBODY LOOK.... I mispelled Jeremy's name too...
woops...
I did say "butt", and my daughter would be all over me about it right now:
Daddy, you're suppost' ta say 'tushy'!
In my defense, I took some "creative liberties" in order to bring my readers (all 3 of them) a rousing, hardy-har-har chuckling, pants-peeing funtime amusement park of a blog. I do it all for you guys!
Unfortunately, the blog isn't that good and now I'm questioning the compromise of my insanely high principles for something so...crappy. Ahh well!
It could have been worse. You could have been more specific about exactly what part of the bum you would be moisturizing. Bahhhh.
Okay 'Casey'... the line is way back there... I can't even see it now...
It's going to become a family event before long...Just wait, think about it, we already do this for the babies, baby magic lotion has trained us to put the product all over the kids so "they smell good".. Personally, I'm all for the self moisturizing of your booty, the cheeks only though Casey...let's not make this rated "R"...
you moisturize your butt for your lover(s) and your friends... and yourself. you should have enough self-worth to be able to appreciate your own smooth bum. your butt is another part of your body, as is your face and hands, and it deserves the same care. otherwise, in the locker room or something, most of your body will be nice and silky smooth but then you'll turn around and everyone will be like oh god why don't you moisturize your ass? that, and when you're gettin' down and dirty with some chick and you're rubbin' each other all over and you grab her ass and then she ends up groping yours too and then her hands feel as if they're nervous or iffy and they don't go back there; they stay around the front. then you never see her again, but she was really hot and had a really nice soft butt. you don't want that.
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