A moist butt?

My "home-girl" Alli wrote a blog about her recent shopping trip and it got me thinking about something... 

I actually saw a commercial the other day for toilet paper that actually has moisturizers right in the paper!  That's right...you can buy toilet paper now that will moisturize your butt during the wiping process.  Don't ever tell me America isn't the greatest country in the world, because when you can buy products to make your butt more luxurious you've really got something special in terms of a prosperous society.  If you live in a country where you can devote time and resources to having a better butt, you pretty much have it made.  You know you're doing well when you have time to ask yourself, "Is my butt getting the vitamins and minerals it needs to maintain a young, healthy look?"

Anyway, this got me thinking...am I supposed to be moisturizing my butt?  Is there an expectation that the skin of my butt will be silky smooth?  I have to admit that I have not, up to this point, spent a lot of time caring of my butt.  Nobody told me it was supposed to be a pleasure to behold...I had no idea there was this entire cultural push for butts to be pampered and maintained.  I always thought of the butt as a necessary evil.  You'd use it to sit on, and to do something else that's not really that great to think about or talk about, and that's about it.  I'm not all that big on hanging out down there, so the notion that I'm supposed to be "fixing it up" never occurred to me.  I understand wanting smooth, soft hands and faces and stuff like that...but my butt?  

By encouraging people to maintain their butts, are we encouraging people to grope one another?  I mean, if I decide to ignore the pressure to primp my tush and don't moisturize it, who'd ever know?  Is someone going to try to check me out on this?  (And yes, Regina and Alli...I do have a butt.  I already know what you're thinking and we don't need to go over this again...I know I've got a tiny tush and I can just picture the two of you chuckling your heads off going "Jeremy has such a little butt!")  Besides the admiration and approval of your peers, what else would having a well-moisturized butt get you?  Easier removal of your pants?  More enjoyable times going down water slides?  Better dance moves?  I guess I just don't understand - who would want this and why? (Please note that this is a rhetorical question...if you moisturize your butt, I don't want to know about it.  Just keep your greasy cheeks off my couch.)

I don't care what "everyone else" is doing...I'm not going to moisturize my butt and that's final!  If you don't like it, don't grab it!

"Tired of having a dry, cracked butt?  Try Gold Bond medicated butt rub and you'll have a smooth, touchable butt in less than two weeks!  Don't get caught with chapped cheeks - get Gold Bond and get moisturized!"

I hate the airport

First of all, Id like to send out a big "Thank you!" to all of the terrorist scumbags who have made air travel a nightmare for the rest of us.  You losers need to stop breathing our air and go to your blatantly fake, obviously-drummed-up-to-get-people-to-blow-themselves-up, "40 virgins chick paradise" that's reserved for the eternally gullible and easily duped.

Thanks to you, I can't take toothpaste with me on the trip.  Yes, that's right, my TOOTHPASTE got confiscated by security because there was more than 3.4 ounces of it in the container.  Apparently, there are concerns that scurrilous fellows like myself might try to forcibly whiten the pilot's teeth and reduce his cavity count, and therefore we can only bring "travel size" toiletries on the plane.  Please note that when you hear the term "travel size", what you are talking about is a tube of toothpaste the size of a hypodermic needle that's only good for one or two uses. 

Thanks to you, I can't go to the bathroom without taking all my bags with me.  Even though my bags were thoroughly scanned and all the felonious toothpaste removed, there still might be bombs in there.  So now, when I need to use the bathroom, I have to carry all my stuff with me...and let me tell you, that's a real joy.  Please don't bother to add shelves or anything to the bathroom...I'll just put my bags on the dirty, smelly, urine-soaked floor in there...no problem.  

Speaking of airport restrooms...have those places ever seen a single drop of disinfectant or cleaning solution?  It's never a good sign when you can skate from stall to stall in your dress shoes on a layer of "something" that's manifested itself on the floor.  Nice smell too...but hey, if you're worried that sitting down on a toilet seat amidst such filth and decay might jeopardize your health, you can always use one of those paper toilet seat covers and that will make everything alright.  My only question is, why do they have the water pressure jacked up so high on those toilets that it sends water spewing 3 feet above the rim?  Nothing feels quite as refreshing as being splashed by water from an overused airport toilet!  Between the thin layer of paper and the butt washing, you should feel fresh as a daisy when you walk out of there!      

What I love is how cheap airlines have become these days.  You used to get a meal if you flew at lunch or dinner time, and even though it was one of the lowest quality meals you can legally serve without the FDA shutting you down, you'd at least have the choice.  Now they don't offer those meals, which is amazing considering how little they are saving by doing this (because you know those meals didn't cost more than $1 each).  You used to get a toy if you were a kid...those little jets or a plastic set of pilot's wings...but not anymore.  They stopped making kids flights more enjoyable to save the 3 cents per kid it was costing them to give those out.  But the worst was when they started serving pretzels instead of peanuts.  This was a truly disgusting show of greed and depravity on their part.  Pretzels are the suckiest, most boring, most butt-tacular snack ever invented (well, besides vegetable trays...freaking broccoli or carrots for a snack...no way to disappoint a kid more than offering them something like that) and the airlines just offer them knowing half the folks won't take them.  When they served peanuts, old people would be like, "Ehhh...could I have a few bags so I can give them to my grandkids?  There parents make them eat vegetables for snack time" and they'd walk out with a few sacks of them.  Now, no one is requesting extras...and no one wants the one bag they're entitled to.     

I guess what I'm trying to say is that air travel sucks and I hate it.  But I'm guessing you figured that out by now...

"I'm sorry to have to do this sir, but I'm going to have to confiscate this jar of peanuts.  You might try to hand these out to other passengers who refuse to eat pretzels and this is strictly prohibited.  If you'd like, I can take three of the peanuts out and put them in a paper cup, thus making it a 'travel size' version that you could take with you."

Tagged?

I've seen in a few people's blogs that I've been "tagged", which I think I finally figured out means I'm supposed to put down seven random things about myself that no one knows or something.

Now I usually don't participate in these sorts of "tests" or whatever...because I'm not in high school anymore and don't like taking a pop quiz every other day to find out what kind of bodily function I most resemble (and NO, I don't want you to guess at it either...and I KNOW what most of you are thinking right now...). However, since I saw a few folks "tag" me, I'll bend my own rule just this once and put down some things about me that are, uh...unique. 

1. I obsess over smelling bad and having bad breath. In my opinion, the worst thing I could learn about myself is that I've been stinking up the joint and not even realizing it.  I can't imagine having that much of a lack of self-awareness, but then I see so many people who do and I freak out wondering if I'm like them.  I try to always have breath mints with me, and will take several showers a day if possible to make sure I don't reek and don't have "the butt breath".  The downside - my teeth will be completely rotted out within another year or two from the constant sucking on "Altoids."  This will finally complete my transformation into a grumpy old man, so it won't be such a bad thing. 
   
   
2. Remember that show "Saved By The Bell?"  Well, I used to watch it...and yes, I know how sad and pathetic this is.  I fell into a common trap - my sister used to watch it regularly, and I thought the show was so freaking stupid that I used to make fun of it every chance I could get.  How I longed to beat the ever-loving crap out of "Zach Morris", because if ever a kid needed a good beating it was him.  My hatred for the show became a religion to me, and my heavenly calling in life was to tear it down every time the opportunity presented itself.  In the process, it attached itself to me like mold on a bagel (note to self - next quiz should be "What kind of bagel are you?") and I started sort of liking it.  Well, it wasn't that I liked it, but if I was bored I'd watch it while munching on "Popcorn Cheerios" (my secret snack recipe).  I completely understand if you lose all respect for me over this admission - it's what I would do.
   
   
3. I observe everything...and people most of all.  It's fascinating to me to watch people, because you can glean so much about them from what they do and how they react to things.  If you are in the room with me, then yes...I saw what you just did.  I'm not a stalker or anything though...I don't have binoculars or any scraps of your clothing that I hug and smell all the time.  Besides, I don't think you can officially be called a "stalker" until a strategically placed dead animal comes into play.
   
   
4. Every morning, when I am in the shower, I pretend I'm on a radio talk show debating someone over some issue.  I'll pick a topic and pretend someone is interviewing me and another guest who holds a different viewpoint.  It's not just me talking either, because I'll actually throw pauses in there to let the other person respond to what I've said, and then I'll proceed to shred that argument to pieces.  My wife always tells me that I'm very quick with responses to just about any question you ask me and that I must be "quick on my fee" (which is also true), but what I tell her is that there isn't any subject you'll bring up that I haven't already debated several times in my head.  I'll also do this when driving, and I'll "wake up" and realize I'm in the parking lot at work.  It's difficult living with such a large, active brain...but I manage. 
   
   
5. I'm afraid of being bitten/stung/poisoned by bugs.  Seriously, it's completely BOGUS that something the size of a penny can inflict serious pain on a creature of my size, but it's God's call and he made it so, and my job is to live with it.  It's a stupid fear, because for the most part we're just talking about a little pain...and yet if a bee or a spider gets in my car, I'll just about wreck trying to get pulled over and get out of my car...and I won't get back in until I see the dead body of the bug.  This coming from a guy who was going to be a police officer at one time!  Bullets are ok, but a wasp sting is out of the question.
   
   
6. I always fold the waistband of my underwear over one time so that the elastic part is not actually touching my waist.  It leaves those little indentions on you and sometimes presses into your skin, so I fold it over one time and have the cotton part there instead.  I wear boxers so real estate down there is not an issue, as this strategy would not be possible if you wear "nut grabbers" (i.e. the old white underwear, "whitey-tighties", whatever)
   
   
7. Sometimes I'll look at my reflection in glass, in a room that's dimly lit, and I'll sort of scowl and pretend I'm posing for a movie poster or an album cover.  It'll be dark and you'll only really be able to see like half of my face, and my eyes will be all serious and I'll have this intense look on my face...and I'll hear the movie voice guy in my head going "A man can only take so much...before going...OVER THE EDGE" ("Over The Edge" would be the movie title, and it would be about me going nuts on some scumbags who did something really, really bad...and I'd be like, all out for revenge ninja-style)  I can make a good serious looking eyes face...I'll probably make that my new profile pic one day.

Ok, this is my first and last quiz participation...so don't "tag" me anymore!  All this sharing is making me feel like a weeny!  I mean, I just told you all that I liked "Saved by the Bell" - proof that NOTHING GOOD HAPPENS WHEN YOU SHARE!  Emotions are like Peanut M&Ms...not meant to be shared with anyone else.  Keep 'em bottled up inside of you is what I always say.  That's where they belong!