Thanks for the fruitcake!

I'll start with a quick story from the Conner household before getting to my main subject...last night while my daughter and I were playing "Ballerina's" I found out th...uhh...I mean, last night while I was watching my daughter play "Ballerina's" from a safe, manly distance, I found out that she named her Ballerina doll the same name as she has.  She said they were sisters and that they both had the same name - Mackenzie - because it was such a pretty name.  I asked her, "When your mommy calls you, how will you know which one she's calling?"  She answered, "Because my sister has a lower-case "k" and I have an uppercase "K"."  Later she proceeded to scold me over not understanding the way Ballerina's jump and dance.

I also discovered last night that my son (4 months old) has inherited a trait of mine...he finds delight in the misery of others.  If he hears you coughing, he laughs - and the worse the cough, the harder and louder he laughs!  THAT'S MY BOY!

Ok, on to the main topic of the blog: the 5 worst Christmas presents ever.

1. Fruitcake - anyone who gives me this will be the subject of several harsh statements made in a loud voice and possibly containing "no-no" words.  I would smash these with a hammer (like I'm prone to do with stuff that ticks me off) but I'm afraid it would break the hammer.  Why do we have to mix healthy and unhealthy treats?  I don't want fruit pieces in my cake!  Of course, I shouldn't call this stuff cake, because cake doesn't share the same density rating as concrete block.
   
   
2. Socks - is this perhaps the most uninspired, non-fun producing gift ever?  Nothing says "I love you" like something you wear on your feet that will be hidden by your shoes.  Socks are so boring...you don't do fashion with socks (ok, some of you do...and you need help), so what does the person who gets the socks have to think about when they get them?  Especially if it's for a guy?  You walk in, grab any 6-pack, and take them to the register.  They say it's the thought that counts...and what the thought here says is "I don't really care about you.  I'm just obligated to get you something, so here is an item that requires the least amount of effort I could think of.  If it were up to me I'd just kick you in the crotch and walk away.  Merry Christmas ... umm...what was your name again?"
   
   
3. Handkerchiefs - this is one gift I've never understood.  It's like a Kleenex that you use to blow your nose on, only in this case you shove it back into your pocket after using it.  GROSS!  Who thinks this is a good idea?
   
   
4. Self-help books - unless I convey it to you in clear and open terms, don't assume my life is in complete disarray and that I'm on the verge of a physical and mental breakdown.  Giving me a self-help book when I didn't SPECIFICALLY ask for one is tantamount to saying, "I know you didn't mention this, but I really think you suck as a person and need help.  Merry Christmas!"
   
   
5. Big 'Ole Basket Of Dried Meat and Fancy but Inedible Cheese - this gift is a double negative...it shows a lack of thought, but on top of that gives something that you can't enjoy.  With socks, at least you can use them.  It's sort of like saying, "Well, I'm not sure what you like and don't like, and since I don't want to have to figure that out I'll just give you large quantities of off-brand beef jerky and goat cheese."  The meat in there tastes like salted leather and is so greasy you'll break out just touching the package.  And the cheese?  If you like flavored paste you're in luck...for the rest of us, it's "sucky gift" city and you're the mayor. 

"My gift to the world this year is...a Big 'Ole Basket of ME!  Same as last year!  Enjoy all my chewy beef-jerky like goodness!"

May God bless you this Christmas with the knowledge of his Son Jesus Christ, through whom we find forgiveness and peace with the Father.