The Day After Christmas

Is it just me, or does the day after Christmas suck really bad? Let's see what we've got here:

...rapid loss of the excitement of the season - check

...having to go back to work - check

...cleaning up the house after family comes over and dealing with HUGE piles of dishes and wrapping paper - check

...realizing just how many reams of paper your credit card statement will be composed on this year - check

Yeah, I think it's official...today sucks. If you're a kid it's great because you don't have school or any other notable responsibility to deal with and you just get to play with all your new toys. If you're an adult, you trudge to work in clothes that no longer fit you (thanks to about 2,347 sausage balls washed down with homemade candy) to work yourself out of debt and get back to your "normal life". Whoopity-freaking-doo.

My nephew gave me a "Transformer" this year for Christmas and let me tell you, it's COOL. Whoever came up with the idea for Transformers was an absolute genius. It's cars and trucks and heavy machinery that turns into battling robots! The one I got is called "Mudflap" and he's a huge crane, which is cool because construction equipment is awesome - it can destroy stuff real easy - and then it "transforms" (with some degree of difficulty, I might add...my wife has several pictures of me struggling to figure out how to work this thing) into a robot with missiles and stuff! YEAH! Construction equipment + robots with missiles = me bringing untold amounts of pain and suffering to the residents of my daughter's "Little Mermaid Pop-Up Castle". Good times!

You know why I hate losers that steal toys? You know why I want to make them wear meat underwear and streak through the lion exhibit at the zoo? Because every time I give my kids a gift I have to bring along a commando knife and several packs of C-4 just to get the gifts out of the blasted package. In an attempt to keep deadbeats from stealing stuff, they've entwined every little stinking piece of each toy with this silver bailing wire and screws and rubber bands and so much other stuff that it takes 45 minutes just to get the stinkin' thing out. Then, if you have a cat, you have to watch out because they'll try to eat the silver bailing wire stuff...this results in having to drop mega-coin to have the vet carefully remove it from their colon. Maybe as punishment, they ought to make anyone who gets caught stealing toys own a cat - that would teach them.

"Sarge, Ariel's getting away!" "Don't worry son - she's not going anywhere. Mudflap! Activate your ultra-mega missile launcher! Your target is the lanky looking redhead with the fish legs. 'HEY ARIEL...I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU AND YOUR STUPID CRAB FRIEND...ALWAYS GOT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE DON'T YA...THINGS ALWAYS WORK OUT FOR THE LITTLE PRINCESS DON'T THEY...WELL NOT THIS TIME - SING ABOUT THIS!' (BOOM!) Yeah boys...tonight, it's fish sticks for dinner. Transform everyone...we're not done yet. We've got to hit Strawberry Shortcake's house before she has time to ready her defenses. MOVE OUT!"