The Day After Christmas

Is it just me, or does the day after Christmas suck really bad? Let's see what we've got here:

...rapid loss of the excitement of the season - check

...having to go back to work - check

...cleaning up the house after family comes over and dealing with HUGE piles of dishes and wrapping paper - check

...realizing just how many reams of paper your credit card statement will be composed on this year - check

Yeah, I think it's official...today sucks. If you're a kid it's great because you don't have school or any other notable responsibility to deal with and you just get to play with all your new toys. If you're an adult, you trudge to work in clothes that no longer fit you (thanks to about 2,347 sausage balls washed down with homemade candy) to work yourself out of debt and get back to your "normal life". Whoopity-freaking-doo.

My nephew gave me a "Transformer" this year for Christmas and let me tell you, it's COOL. Whoever came up with the idea for Transformers was an absolute genius. It's cars and trucks and heavy machinery that turns into battling robots! The one I got is called "Mudflap" and he's a huge crane, which is cool because construction equipment is awesome - it can destroy stuff real easy - and then it "transforms" (with some degree of difficulty, I might add...my wife has several pictures of me struggling to figure out how to work this thing) into a robot with missiles and stuff! YEAH! Construction equipment + robots with missiles = me bringing untold amounts of pain and suffering to the residents of my daughter's "Little Mermaid Pop-Up Castle". Good times!

You know why I hate losers that steal toys? You know why I want to make them wear meat underwear and streak through the lion exhibit at the zoo? Because every time I give my kids a gift I have to bring along a commando knife and several packs of C-4 just to get the gifts out of the blasted package. In an attempt to keep deadbeats from stealing stuff, they've entwined every little stinking piece of each toy with this silver bailing wire and screws and rubber bands and so much other stuff that it takes 45 minutes just to get the stinkin' thing out. Then, if you have a cat, you have to watch out because they'll try to eat the silver bailing wire stuff...this results in having to drop mega-coin to have the vet carefully remove it from their colon. Maybe as punishment, they ought to make anyone who gets caught stealing toys own a cat - that would teach them.

"Sarge, Ariel's getting away!" "Don't worry son - she's not going anywhere. Mudflap! Activate your ultra-mega missile launcher! Your target is the lanky looking redhead with the fish legs. 'HEY ARIEL...I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU AND YOUR STUPID CRAB FRIEND...ALWAYS GOT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE DON'T YA...THINGS ALWAYS WORK OUT FOR THE LITTLE PRINCESS DON'T THEY...WELL NOT THIS TIME - SING ABOUT THIS!' (BOOM!) Yeah boys...tonight, it's fish sticks for dinner. Transform everyone...we're not done yet. We've got to hit Strawberry Shortcake's house before she has time to ready her defenses. MOVE OUT!"

Thanks for the fruitcake!

I'll start with a quick story from the Conner household before getting to my main subject...last night while my daughter and I were playing "Ballerina's" I found out th...uhh...I mean, last night while I was watching my daughter play "Ballerina's" from a safe, manly distance, I found out that she named her Ballerina doll the same name as she has.  She said they were sisters and that they both had the same name - Mackenzie - because it was such a pretty name.  I asked her, "When your mommy calls you, how will you know which one she's calling?"  She answered, "Because my sister has a lower-case "k" and I have an uppercase "K"."  Later she proceeded to scold me over not understanding the way Ballerina's jump and dance.

I also discovered last night that my son (4 months old) has inherited a trait of mine...he finds delight in the misery of others.  If he hears you coughing, he laughs - and the worse the cough, the harder and louder he laughs!  THAT'S MY BOY!

Ok, on to the main topic of the blog: the 5 worst Christmas presents ever.

1. Fruitcake - anyone who gives me this will be the subject of several harsh statements made in a loud voice and possibly containing "no-no" words.  I would smash these with a hammer (like I'm prone to do with stuff that ticks me off) but I'm afraid it would break the hammer.  Why do we have to mix healthy and unhealthy treats?  I don't want fruit pieces in my cake!  Of course, I shouldn't call this stuff cake, because cake doesn't share the same density rating as concrete block.
   
   
2. Socks - is this perhaps the most uninspired, non-fun producing gift ever?  Nothing says "I love you" like something you wear on your feet that will be hidden by your shoes.  Socks are so boring...you don't do fashion with socks (ok, some of you do...and you need help), so what does the person who gets the socks have to think about when they get them?  Especially if it's for a guy?  You walk in, grab any 6-pack, and take them to the register.  They say it's the thought that counts...and what the thought here says is "I don't really care about you.  I'm just obligated to get you something, so here is an item that requires the least amount of effort I could think of.  If it were up to me I'd just kick you in the crotch and walk away.  Merry Christmas ... umm...what was your name again?"
   
   
3. Handkerchiefs - this is one gift I've never understood.  It's like a Kleenex that you use to blow your nose on, only in this case you shove it back into your pocket after using it.  GROSS!  Who thinks this is a good idea?
   
   
4. Self-help books - unless I convey it to you in clear and open terms, don't assume my life is in complete disarray and that I'm on the verge of a physical and mental breakdown.  Giving me a self-help book when I didn't SPECIFICALLY ask for one is tantamount to saying, "I know you didn't mention this, but I really think you suck as a person and need help.  Merry Christmas!"
   
   
5. Big 'Ole Basket Of Dried Meat and Fancy but Inedible Cheese - this gift is a double negative...it shows a lack of thought, but on top of that gives something that you can't enjoy.  With socks, at least you can use them.  It's sort of like saying, "Well, I'm not sure what you like and don't like, and since I don't want to have to figure that out I'll just give you large quantities of off-brand beef jerky and goat cheese."  The meat in there tastes like salted leather and is so greasy you'll break out just touching the package.  And the cheese?  If you like flavored paste you're in luck...for the rest of us, it's "sucky gift" city and you're the mayor. 

"My gift to the world this year is...a Big 'Ole Basket of ME!  Same as last year!  Enjoy all my chewy beef-jerky like goodness!"

May God bless you this Christmas with the knowledge of his Son Jesus Christ, through whom we find forgiveness and peace with the Father.

Braindead Spam

Is there anything in this entire world that is as annoying as SPAM?  No, I'm not talking about canned meat here (although I definitely need a post on that...endless possibilities) - I'm talking about the recent rash of stupid comments I've been getting in my blog and the tons of email from idiots trying to sell me something.  My question is this - just HOW STUPID do you have to be to participate in SPAMMING people?

Have you EVER seen people SPAMMING something that is actually worthwhile?  Has there ever been even a single decent product or service offered via SPAM?  It's never anything a person with any significant alpha-wave brain activity would want...it's always a steaming pile of poop that you literally have to trick someone into buying.  You'll open your inbox and see something like this:

(the subject line has to be something that would grab your attention and make you want to read it, which means they can't talk about what they are selling because no one wants that)

Subject: Hey! Haven't heard from you in a while!  I'm having your baby! 

(At this point, depending on how you live your life, you're either strangely curious or you need a fresh pair of underwear.  Then they get into the product itself....)

"CHRISTMAS IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER!!!"

"Your kids want the hottest gifts this year - get them GLOOP!  GLOOP is the biggest selling item this year.  If you wait you won't get it.  25% off regular retail prices!  5lbs for only $29.95!"

Follow this link and give us your credit card number: rip.offpeople351321.au.is.job

(GLOOP being a knock-off of Silly Putty that hardens within mere seconds of being removed from the container and smells like that licorice-flavored bubble gum that comes from China)

So the folks that are SPAMMING you with emails and blog comments and everything else know that the product they are pushing isn't one you're interested in.  They KNOW it - otherwise, they wouldn't try to trick you into reading the email!  So if they KNOW you aren't interested, what are they doing sending you the stuff in the first place?  One reason: money.  These folks are TOO LAZY and TOO STUPID to get work doing something that actually impacts society in a positive way...so they take jobs where they get paid to annoy the rest of us. 

I would LOVE to get my hands on the email of the folks who have been SPAMMING the comments section of my blog.  They'd open their email and find about 78 pictures of me wearing only an apron messily making Swedish meatballs.  I'm guessing that would be punishment enough...

Due to the existence of ignorant slobs who feel no shame making money via the aggravation of others, I'm going to have to consider disabling anonymous comments in my blog.  I'll wait a few more days to see if the stupid spam comments subside, but if they don't I'll have to block them out.  You can always get a blogger account for free and post with that.