The best bee is a dead bee

It’s that time of year again when wasps and bees begin to start popping up everwhere. I’ve seen tons of them outside, and have read several blogs lately talking about encounters with them. As a strong proponent of ridding the entire earth of all insects, I felt I would share a few thoughts on these demonic little creatures.

I personally don’t think it’s fair that something the size of a pencil eraser can make me feel like I’ve been shot by a nail gun. You could punch me in the face and it wouldn’t hurt as bad as what this quarter of an inch long insect can do. Shouldn’t size count for something? You shouldn’t be able to inflict that kind of pain on me if you’re not bigger than a quarter. (Note to those of you who think I’m overreacting to the pain of a sting - just remember every reaction you’ve ever had to discovering there’s a wasp with you in the car. There’s nothing worse than freaking out like that…it’s like you’d rather wreck the car than let that bee sting you. You know that feeling – don’t act like you haven’t panicked as though your hair were on fire. It hurts and you’ll do whatever you can to avoid it!)

I have heard that wearing scents (perfumes & colognes) or brightly colored clothing attracts bees and wasps. According to some, if you are wearing a yellow shirt or you smell good they may mistake you for a flower. Now I’ve been told I look like a lot of different things (ranging from a younger, better looking Sean Connery to an older, more wrinkled version of the commonly-depicted wolf-man) but I have NEVER been mistaken for a daisy. Are wasps so stupid that they’d go “Honey, get the kids and a set of utensils…you’re not gonna believe the begonia I just found!” Something this lacking in the intelligence department could not survive the rigors of insect life. They bother us because they want to, not because they think we’re giant flowers.

I have also heard that wasps and bees are not mean and that they only sting in self defense. Self defense? Defense against what? Are there tons of people out there planning covert commando missions against beehives and wasp’s nests? Raise your hand if you’ve actually been stung attacking a beehive! I’ve been stung plenty of times, and yet I’ve never taken part in any organized assault against a wasp. Let’s see what I’ve been doing when I was stung in the past…sitting down on the ground (yes, your buttocks is not the most convenient place to have to apply meat tenderizer), standing in the street (apparently looking like a huge flower that is irresistible to a bee)…oh wait, there was one time I brushed a bee away that was attempting to land on my eyeball - I guess I was wrong to do that. I guess a bee’s idea of self-defense must be “If you interfere with me trying to do whatever I darn well please, then you are attacking me and I must retaliate.” The truth of the matter is this - they hate us, and they’d kill every single one of us if they could and use our sinus cavities for hives. The sooner you learn this, the better off you’ll be.

There are those among us who say that wasps and bees are afraid of us. Sure they are…they’re dreadfully afraid of us. Think about something for a moment. Wasps and bees are very protective of where they live. They will ferociously attack anyone who even comes near their nest. In the wasp world, going into someone’s home is a declaration of war. If you don’t believe me, go shove your hand inside of their nest and discover a heretofore unknown world of pain. So what is a wasp thinking when he comes inside your house? Isn’t he basically trying to pick a fight with you? He knows you live there, he knows it’s against the rules of war to go inside, but he does it anyway. He’s basically daring you to do something about it. That doesn’t sound like fear to me.

In conclusion, wasps and bees suck.

April 5th is national “Destroy a Wasp’s Nest with a Flamethrower” day! Celebrate accordingly!