Sometimes, inspiration strikes us in the oddest of places. For me, it was in the bathroom this morning at 5:40am. Let me apologize for the subject matter up front…I’ll try to be creative in my use of terms to avoid coming right out and talking about what I will be talking about.
Usually, if you go to someone’s house and they have a “guest bathroom” (a bathroom reserved for use by visitors that’s filled with really expensive towels and soaps that you’re not allowed to use, which begs the question as to their purpose – but that’s another blog, another time) they will have some sort of deodorizing spray in there. The reason for having this spray is, of course, to remove any unbecoming odors from the air that are the standard occurrence after one has, umm...how shall we say it…”unloaded a batch of cigars.” These sprays (usually Lysol or Renuzit, although Febreeze is rapidly climbing the charts and is enjoying great popularity right now) always have some sort of very strong scent to them – stuff like “Papaya and Grapefruit” or “Dew-laden meadows full of fresh lilies and recently bathed kittens.” These sprays smell so strong that they can literally choke you, and there is no way that the residual odor left from your, umm… “going boom boom” will be smelled by anyone.
What I’ve noticed though is that people often won’t use the spray. At first I couldn’t understand it, but then a flash of brilliance hit me this morning when I saw the brightly colored can of Lysol sitting on the bathroom shelf. See, when you, umm…“free the chocolate hostages” the last thing you want is for someone to know that you did it. I don’t know why…it’s something we all have to do…but for some reason it’s really, really embarrassing. So you need to take care of the lingering odors, but what you use to do that smells too! If someone were to venture in there shortly afterwards, they would realize that something happened. They would know that your guest bathroom is not, in fact, a “Dew-laden meadow full of fresh lilies and recently bathed kittens” and then they’d know what you had done. It’s like trying to clean up the crime scene and doing too good of a job at it – normally the place is really messy, but now all of a sudden it’s really clean but Fred’s nowhere to be found. When you smell the scented sprays, you know the person didn’t spray them just to enjoy the choking aroma…it was because they went to the bathroom. And not just any ole going to the bathroom…it was the dreaded “deuce”, the “number 2.” So people try to avoid using the spray and seek other means to cover it up.
That’s when I realized the need for an odorless spray – one that will hide odors and yet not leave one itself. That way, you could commit the perfect crime, in a manner of speaking, and no one would be the wise. I bet the person that patents this will make millions of dollars – because none of us wants to do the “walk of shame.”
Huh? What? Oh, that…umm,…(closes the door)…I was just curious about what this smelled like…I’ve never smelled the “Fresh Linen” scent before…thought I’d spray it a little…(hurriedly walks away)
Friday, April 21, 2006
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
This doesn't add up...
I heard a radio personality make a good point this morning as I was driving into work. If you sit on the couch all afternoon staring at a book, you’re an intelligent child who is going places. If you sit on the couch all afternoon staring at the TV, you’re a lazy slob who is endangering his eyesight. Why are books not bad for your eyesight too? Do books contain some sort of “fat blocker” that we don’t know about? What if you watch 4 hours of national geographic specials vs. reading comic books?
Got me thinking about other stuff that we do that doesn’t seem to align properly.
We tell folks about the dangers of not being more active and going outside more as opposed to staying inside and doing “lazy stuff.” Staying inside is bad, going outside is good. Staying inside is harmful to your health, going outside is beneficial for your health. But then, they turn around make outside seem like hell on earth. What do they tell us is outside? Allergies. Sunlight that damages your skin and eyes. Bird flu. Mad cows. Second-hand smoke. Environmental pollutants. Acid rain. Killer bees. Heat exhaustion. If all this is true, why in the heck would I ever leave my beloved Xbox and go outside where it’s raining sharp sticks and death? Is outside bad or is outside good?
If you own a lot of pets, you are considered an animal lover. But aren’t animals happier when they can be free and go where they want to? What animal is happier living in a fenced-in area? Isn’t the person who doesn’t try to contain a pet the one who loves them more? (Incidentally, does this make goldfish owners the cruelest people in all of history? Does anyone really think a fish is happier in a bowl like the one you use to eat cereal than he would be in a lake? They can make like 2 right turns in that tank and that’s it.)
Church is the last place that you would expect to find lying, but ask yourself this question: have you ever heard a negative comment about an outfit someone was wearing while at church? You’ve heard plenty of comments about the way people look…you’ve heard plenty of folks asking how this or that looked on them…and yet nothing but positive remarks. Maybe no one in history has EVER worn something that looks bad to church…
My allergies are acting up so badly right now that I have a constant drip going and it feels like my throat got a rub-down from a sumo wrestler with a cheese grater - all because I went outside! Don't do it! Love your computer!
Got me thinking about other stuff that we do that doesn’t seem to align properly.
We tell folks about the dangers of not being more active and going outside more as opposed to staying inside and doing “lazy stuff.” Staying inside is bad, going outside is good. Staying inside is harmful to your health, going outside is beneficial for your health. But then, they turn around make outside seem like hell on earth. What do they tell us is outside? Allergies. Sunlight that damages your skin and eyes. Bird flu. Mad cows. Second-hand smoke. Environmental pollutants. Acid rain. Killer bees. Heat exhaustion. If all this is true, why in the heck would I ever leave my beloved Xbox and go outside where it’s raining sharp sticks and death? Is outside bad or is outside good?
If you own a lot of pets, you are considered an animal lover. But aren’t animals happier when they can be free and go where they want to? What animal is happier living in a fenced-in area? Isn’t the person who doesn’t try to contain a pet the one who loves them more? (Incidentally, does this make goldfish owners the cruelest people in all of history? Does anyone really think a fish is happier in a bowl like the one you use to eat cereal than he would be in a lake? They can make like 2 right turns in that tank and that’s it.)
Church is the last place that you would expect to find lying, but ask yourself this question: have you ever heard a negative comment about an outfit someone was wearing while at church? You’ve heard plenty of comments about the way people look…you’ve heard plenty of folks asking how this or that looked on them…and yet nothing but positive remarks. Maybe no one in history has EVER worn something that looks bad to church…
My allergies are acting up so badly right now that I have a constant drip going and it feels like my throat got a rub-down from a sumo wrestler with a cheese grater - all because I went outside! Don't do it! Love your computer!
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
People who spam, you suck!
Recently, some slimy waste of oxygen decided to spam the comments section of my blog with a ridiculous plug for his money making scam. Each day, losers like this person flood my email with all sorts of complete garbage about how to get free drugs, free porn, free credit reports or a larger...well, you know what they tell you they can make larger. It's dirty! And each day, I spend time cleaning out my inbox, wishing I could get my hands on the MORON who thought it would be a great idea to keep sending them to me.
If I knew where this person was, I’d administer some proper justice to him/her, but unfortunately these cowards can hide behind the anonymity of the internet and thus escape the hand of wrath. Maybe we can band together and use the power of the internet for good where they have used it for evil. Maybe we can all start a “neighborhood watch” of sorts and keep an eye out for these idiots – together we can find them! If you do find one, here are a few suggested punishments:
Feel free to add your own unique punishments for these people in the comments section. Perhaps they'll read them before spamming and change their mind.
Lose ten pounds in a week, fix your bad credit and make lots of money! It’s easy using my new “Beat the Crap out of Everyone Who Sends Spam” workout program! Just pound their inconsiderate heads so far down that they have to unbutton their pants just to drink a coke, along with sending me $24.99, and you’re on your way to a sexier, more confident you - guaranteed!
If I knew where this person was, I’d administer some proper justice to him/her, but unfortunately these cowards can hide behind the anonymity of the internet and thus escape the hand of wrath. Maybe we can band together and use the power of the internet for good where they have used it for evil. Maybe we can all start a “neighborhood watch” of sorts and keep an eye out for these idiots – together we can find them! If you do find one, here are a few suggested punishments:
- Shove a hornet’s nest down their pants and make them run laps barefoot on hot asphalt while smacking themselves in the head with a decaying fish
- Force them to eat 12 pounds of liver marinated in pickle juice and cottage cheese, and only offer them lukewarm buttermilk to wash it down with
- Make them attend a Reba Macintyre concert! (I realize that this is extremely harsh, but these people deserve the worst)
- Make them file their own taxes, and then each day lose the paperwork and make them do it all over again
- Make them clean the floors at the local Waffle House…with their tongue
Feel free to add your own unique punishments for these people in the comments section. Perhaps they'll read them before spamming and change their mind.
Lose ten pounds in a week, fix your bad credit and make lots of money! It’s easy using my new “Beat the Crap out of Everyone Who Sends Spam” workout program! Just pound their inconsiderate heads so far down that they have to unbutton their pants just to drink a coke, along with sending me $24.99, and you’re on your way to a sexier, more confident you - guaranteed!
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
The best bee is a dead bee
It’s that time of year again when wasps and bees begin to start popping up everwhere. I’ve seen tons of them outside, and have read several blogs lately talking about encounters with them. As a strong proponent of ridding the entire earth of all insects, I felt I would share a few thoughts on these demonic little creatures.
I personally don’t think it’s fair that something the size of a pencil eraser can make me feel like I’ve been shot by a nail gun. You could punch me in the face and it wouldn’t hurt as bad as what this quarter of an inch long insect can do. Shouldn’t size count for something? You shouldn’t be able to inflict that kind of pain on me if you’re not bigger than a quarter. (Note to those of you who think I’m overreacting to the pain of a sting - just remember every reaction you’ve ever had to discovering there’s a wasp with you in the car. There’s nothing worse than freaking out like that…it’s like you’d rather wreck the car than let that bee sting you. You know that feeling – don’t act like you haven’t panicked as though your hair were on fire. It hurts and you’ll do whatever you can to avoid it!)
I have heard that wearing scents (perfumes & colognes) or brightly colored clothing attracts bees and wasps. According to some, if you are wearing a yellow shirt or you smell good they may mistake you for a flower. Now I’ve been told I look like a lot of different things (ranging from a younger, better looking Sean Connery to an older, more wrinkled version of the commonly-depicted wolf-man) but I have NEVER been mistaken for a daisy. Are wasps so stupid that they’d go “Honey, get the kids and a set of utensils…you’re not gonna believe the begonia I just found!” Something this lacking in the intelligence department could not survive the rigors of insect life. They bother us because they want to, not because they think we’re giant flowers.
I have also heard that wasps and bees are not mean and that they only sting in self defense. Self defense? Defense against what? Are there tons of people out there planning covert commando missions against beehives and wasp’s nests? Raise your hand if you’ve actually been stung attacking a beehive! I’ve been stung plenty of times, and yet I’ve never taken part in any organized assault against a wasp. Let’s see what I’ve been doing when I was stung in the past…sitting down on the ground (yes, your buttocks is not the most convenient place to have to apply meat tenderizer), standing in the street (apparently looking like a huge flower that is irresistible to a bee)…oh wait, there was one time I brushed a bee away that was attempting to land on my eyeball - I guess I was wrong to do that. I guess a bee’s idea of self-defense must be “If you interfere with me trying to do whatever I darn well please, then you are attacking me and I must retaliate.” The truth of the matter is this - they hate us, and they’d kill every single one of us if they could and use our sinus cavities for hives. The sooner you learn this, the better off you’ll be.
There are those among us who say that wasps and bees are afraid of us. Sure they are…they’re dreadfully afraid of us. Think about something for a moment. Wasps and bees are very protective of where they live. They will ferociously attack anyone who even comes near their nest. In the wasp world, going into someone’s home is a declaration of war. If you don’t believe me, go shove your hand inside of their nest and discover a heretofore unknown world of pain. So what is a wasp thinking when he comes inside your house? Isn’t he basically trying to pick a fight with you? He knows you live there, he knows it’s against the rules of war to go inside, but he does it anyway. He’s basically daring you to do something about it. That doesn’t sound like fear to me.
In conclusion, wasps and bees suck.
April 5th is national “Destroy a Wasp’s Nest with a Flamethrower” day! Celebrate accordingly!
I personally don’t think it’s fair that something the size of a pencil eraser can make me feel like I’ve been shot by a nail gun. You could punch me in the face and it wouldn’t hurt as bad as what this quarter of an inch long insect can do. Shouldn’t size count for something? You shouldn’t be able to inflict that kind of pain on me if you’re not bigger than a quarter. (Note to those of you who think I’m overreacting to the pain of a sting - just remember every reaction you’ve ever had to discovering there’s a wasp with you in the car. There’s nothing worse than freaking out like that…it’s like you’d rather wreck the car than let that bee sting you. You know that feeling – don’t act like you haven’t panicked as though your hair were on fire. It hurts and you’ll do whatever you can to avoid it!)
I have heard that wearing scents (perfumes & colognes) or brightly colored clothing attracts bees and wasps. According to some, if you are wearing a yellow shirt or you smell good they may mistake you for a flower. Now I’ve been told I look like a lot of different things (ranging from a younger, better looking Sean Connery to an older, more wrinkled version of the commonly-depicted wolf-man) but I have NEVER been mistaken for a daisy. Are wasps so stupid that they’d go “Honey, get the kids and a set of utensils…you’re not gonna believe the begonia I just found!” Something this lacking in the intelligence department could not survive the rigors of insect life. They bother us because they want to, not because they think we’re giant flowers.
I have also heard that wasps and bees are not mean and that they only sting in self defense. Self defense? Defense against what? Are there tons of people out there planning covert commando missions against beehives and wasp’s nests? Raise your hand if you’ve actually been stung attacking a beehive! I’ve been stung plenty of times, and yet I’ve never taken part in any organized assault against a wasp. Let’s see what I’ve been doing when I was stung in the past…sitting down on the ground (yes, your buttocks is not the most convenient place to have to apply meat tenderizer), standing in the street (apparently looking like a huge flower that is irresistible to a bee)…oh wait, there was one time I brushed a bee away that was attempting to land on my eyeball - I guess I was wrong to do that. I guess a bee’s idea of self-defense must be “If you interfere with me trying to do whatever I darn well please, then you are attacking me and I must retaliate.” The truth of the matter is this - they hate us, and they’d kill every single one of us if they could and use our sinus cavities for hives. The sooner you learn this, the better off you’ll be.
There are those among us who say that wasps and bees are afraid of us. Sure they are…they’re dreadfully afraid of us. Think about something for a moment. Wasps and bees are very protective of where they live. They will ferociously attack anyone who even comes near their nest. In the wasp world, going into someone’s home is a declaration of war. If you don’t believe me, go shove your hand inside of their nest and discover a heretofore unknown world of pain. So what is a wasp thinking when he comes inside your house? Isn’t he basically trying to pick a fight with you? He knows you live there, he knows it’s against the rules of war to go inside, but he does it anyway. He’s basically daring you to do something about it. That doesn’t sound like fear to me.
In conclusion, wasps and bees suck.
April 5th is national “Destroy a Wasp’s Nest with a Flamethrower” day! Celebrate accordingly!
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