A good "horse-whuppin!"

A few weeks ago my wife and I were buying a treadmill, and as we’re paying for it the guy asks if we want the extended warranty on it. He explains that the treadmill is covered for 30 days after we purchase it, and after that point if it breaks the company won’t repair or replace it unless we pay them more money to extend this 30 day period for two years.

What exactly am I buying when I buy an extended warranty? Some sort of guarantee that the unit will last longer than 30 days? A promise that if the unit stops working after 30 days that you’ll make good on it? Should I have to pay extra for that? How in the world did retailers convince us that it was ok for them to wash their hands of the goods they sell us after 30 days? How did they ever convince us that we should pay them extra money just to back up what they charge us so much for in the first place?

See, they tell you that the reason you are spending so much money is because you’re paying for quality! They only use the best parts (“made from titanium mined from an ancient cave near Pompeii”), and their quality assurance team tests every unit extensively before passing it on to you (“each treadmill is clogged on by fully grown elephants with flaming boots for 12 years”). They talk about all the fine craftsmanship (“each of our moving parts are hand crafted by genuine aboriginal witch doctors using hot sticks and guano”) and how quality like this means it costs a little bit more but that they don’t mind having prices be a bit higher because they are so proud of the quality product they make and are sure you’ll be pleased with it.

Then, they turn right around and say that they won’t guarantee this quality product for any longer than a month unless you pay them extra.

Fortunately for these retailers, we’re a bunch of lemmings. What we should do is refuse to buy anything that isn’t guaranteed for a proper amount of time by the retailer. But no…some of us end up paying the extra money and getting ripped off. The rest of us have exercise rooms that look like white trash front yards – 6 different workout machines, none of ‘em work, all taken apart and up on blocks…because it’s nigh impossible to repair them once they break (where you going to get the guano at? Stupid health department…) and the company won’t talk to you after that first month is gone.

I bet in the “olden days” (long ago...back when you wouldn't catch anyone - man, woman or child - without a wad of freshly picked tobacco in their mouth...when people had skillet cornbread and pig bacon with every meal and those huge balls of weeds and dust would roll down the streets) you’d get strung up if you sold someone a defective item and then refused to make good on it after 30 days. Back then, you didn’t have to offer a warranty with the products you sold…you either made good on your merchandise or you got “horse-whupped”.

If you think we should bring back "horse-whuppin" then let your voice be heard here! Let's be the instrument of change and give some of these retailers a little "tough love." And while we're at it, let's bring back cornbread too...yeah...more cornbread...I like that stuff.

(Guano - what is this miraculous substance?)