Calling my insurance company

Thank you for calling your crappy insurance company, how may I help you today?

Yeah, I am a paying customer who sends you lots of money every month so that I can have coverage when I need to go to the doctor.  I’m calling because you require me to get your approval prior to using the insurance I’m paying you for each month, because you’ve told me that if I don’t ask you beforehand you won’t cover me.  So, before I use my health insurance I’m calling to ask you whether or not I can use my health insurance.  The same insurance I’m paying you for.

Ok sir, I’ll need to get your ID number please so that I can look up your information.

Sure, my ID number is KDP3459874312JR52323453218GG21000000000000008.  Thanks for making that impossible to remember so that I’m practically doomed if I ever lose my insurance card.

Can you please give me the name of the physician that you are planning to see? 

Sure, it’s Dr. James Thompson.

I’m showing an address of 123 Stupid Drive, Nowhere AL for Dr. Thompson, is this correct?

Well, that’s one of his offices, but I see him at a different location.  Same guy, just a different building, but that’s no big deal right?

Actually sir, unless you see him at the location I gave you we cannot consider him to be in our network.  The address you see him at is not covered in our network.

So…even though it’s the same guy, the building that I receive treatment at determines whether or not you consider him to be in your “network”?  I thought doctors were let into your network based on their credentials and quality of service, but based on what you’re telling me it’s just where they’re located?

Yes sir, that’s correct.

Wow, that sure is an incredibly stupid way to determine which doctors you prefer your customers to see.  So what type of coverage will I have seeing a doctor who’s in your network but not really due to stupid geography?

Well sir, if you were to see a doctor in the network, you would receive coverage for up to 80% of the total bill minus the cosign of the average speed of light divided by 3 – with a a $250 deductible, of course. 

Ok…I’ll just act like I understood that…so what about this case where the doctor is not in the “network”?

For a doctor that is out of network, you will receive coverage for up to 50% of the total bill provided that those charges are directly related to  matters of national security OR that those charges can be attributed to damage related to being probed by aliens – with a $7,895 deductible. 

Uhh…what?  That’s basically no coverage!  I’ll have to pay the entire cost out of my own pocket to see a doctor that’s in your network but in the wrong building when I see him – and while I’m paying for this I’m still cutting you a check every month for the health insurance that I can’t use?

Yes sir that’s correct.  We urge our customers to use physicians in the network.  If you can’t find or use a physician in the network, we urge you to go curl up in a corner and die.  Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Just one more thing…can you give me directions to get to your facility in terms that a pilot could clearly understand?  A stealth bomber pilot, for example?

Yes, this was based on an actual experience I had this week.