I am in Seattle right now sitting in my hotel room...I'm here for a technical conference so I'm not really blogging this week or doing much of anything this week (except for attending lectures, avoiding eye contact with other geeks like myself so I don't have to feign interest in their lives and talk to them, and eating the most overpriced room service food in the history of the world, which also happens to taste like refried aardvark eggs slathered in goat butter).
However, something happened on my flight up here that I felt compelled to blog about immediately.
American Airlines decided to show a movie during our 4 1/2 hour flight from Dallas to Seattle, you know, to help us forget about the inhumane conditions on these flights that we had to endure. I mean come on...were these airlines expecting 12 year old girls to be their only passengers? Because no way were those seats and rows designed for regular adults! And then there's the whole "Hey when I flush the toilet it's like I'm opening a hole outside the plane is this going to compromise the cabin pressure" thing...but I'm getting off subject here.
Anyway, they showed a movie, and for reasons that can only be described as the most pure form of evil ever exhibited they decided to show a movie called "Mamma Mia!".
I don't know who green lighted this movie, but whoever it was needs to be forced to eat spinach-stuffed liver steaks for every single meal for the rest of their lives. This was BY FAR the worst piece of crap I've ever laid eyes on, and if you read this blog at all you know that's saying a lot. I was so disgusted that I wanted to take one of those HAZMAT showers where they chemically cleanse your skin, which looks very painful but was the only thing I could think of to remove the overwhelming stench of failure off of me after having witnessed bits and pieces of this movie when I couldn't properly and completely avert my eyes.
Every time I looked up at the screen, people were dancing around like some sort of stinkin' musical, giving each other goofy looks and overemphasizing every little facial expression. It was like they thought the audience was on the moon, and so when they smiled or gave someone a look they had to do it really big and really hard so that people five trillion miles away would recognize what they were doing. Apparently, two stupid kids wanted to get married or something, and these two stupid kids had even more stupid parents and relatives who felt the need to communicate solely via poorly performed song and dance. Incidentally, have you EVER ONCE seen anyone talk to their family and friends by dancing around singing to them? Where did this concept come from? No one does this in real life because it's so cheesy and corny that anyone witnessing you do it would collectively and instantaneously kick your butt for it. STOP DOING IT IN MOVIES. Why? Because it's dumb and it angers me.
Speaking of stuff that angers me, I HATE when movie titles have exclamation! points! in! them! It's so ridiculously stupid...the movie is not "Mamma Mia"...it's "Mamma Mia!", like adding that exclamation point will be the deciding factor in whether or not millions of idiots flock to the box office to see this garbage. Of course, given the content of the movie, their target group might have been the mentally deficient. Stupid exclamation point..."HEY FREAKING MAMMA MIA!!! WOO HOO YEAH MAMMA MIA CAUSE WE'RE EXCITED HERE AND WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO BE FULL OF ENERGY AND SPUNK AND LOTS OF FUN DANCING AROUND AND STUPID OUTFITS AND FAILED ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR THAT ONLY THE ELDERLY OR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE WOULD FIND FUNNY!"
Don't even try to post comments here about how you liked the movie. This movie is the 10th degree black belt head instructor at the "Dojo of the Almighty Suck". If I were an actor in this movie, I'd sue to have any evidence of my involvement expunged from the annals of history.
Who in the world came up with the spelling for aardvark? Why is the letter "a" in there twice up front? What freaking purpose in the world does that serve except for to confound our efforts to correctly spell it? I'm telling you right now, someone did that on purpose.
2 comments:
I watched part of a clip of this movie on youtube after reading this, and that was all I needed to read to know that I agree with you!
By the way, you could replace Mamma Mia here with Finding Nemo, The Notebook, or anything from the Disney channel. (Just a few things I've been unfortunate enough to be exposed to.)
If I had been the producer of any of these movies, I think I would try to market it as an IQ test!
The aardvark just has good pr. It apparently hired one of the top SEO firms in the country because it always appears on the first page of the dictionary.
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