Useless questions?

There are some questions that don’t need to be asked because the answers are obvious. 

“Doctor, is this going to hurt?”

The answer is always yes, it will hurt.  If you ask the doctor this question, and he says “No, it won’t hurt”, he’s lying through his teeth.  How can it not hurt?  They use popsicle sticks and needles and rubber tubing to go places humans are not supposed to be able to go with regard to the body of another person.  Now on the other hand, if you ask the doctor this question and he says “Yes, it’s going to hurt some” then GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE!  For the doctor to admit that there will be pain involved means that the pain will be so great that even he feels bad about lying to you about it.  If the doctor says it will hurt, there are probably going to be bone saws and transfusions involved, and in the end isn’t that just as bad as whatever malady has brought you in there in the first place?  Also, never ever forget the “curiosity” factor – doctors LOVE to go on walkabout inside your colon anytime they can just to see what’s in there.  They’ll take any reason they can to crack you open and poke around. 

“So what was wrong with my car?”

For most of us, cars are machines too complex to understand…so why do we waste time acting like we’re going to understand what the mechanic tells us when we take our car in for repairs?  It’s like we’re going to evaluate what he says and make sure he’s telling us the truth, but the only truth here is that this guy could tell us almost anything and we’d just have to sit there nodding our heads like we approve of what he’s telling us.  Basically, when you go to the mechanic, the agreement is that you give them an exorbitant amount of cash and they make your car work again.  It’s really that simple.  If you expect anything more, like to be treated fairly or to understand the value of the work they’ve done compared to the amount of money you paid them, you are in for major disappointment.  Next time, just walk in and pay the bill, and when they start blabbing to you about how they repaired the “nuclear quantiplexer valve” just tell them to shut up.  Save them the trouble and potential guilt involved in having to lie to you.

“Are you mad at me?”

Yes I am.  If you are asking this, it’s either because a) the person you are asking is visibly angry, in which case you already have your answer, or b) you have done something that would, under normal circumstances, tick a person off.  Don’t bother asking.  Now for you ladies out there – sometimes you ask your man this question prematurely when nothing has happened and he’s not visibly angry.  The answer is still “yes” though, because if he wasn’t mad at you before you asked this question, he’s mad at you now for asking it for like the 1 millionth freaking time.  If you want to make sure he’s not mad at you without having to repeatedly ask, just get him a bowl of ice cream anytime you’re not sure.  If for some reason he’s mad at you, he’ll forget all about it as he indulges in the tasty treat you served up (but be careful not to get crappy ice cream, that will just anger him further and will show that you don’t really care).  I know this sounds kind of shallow, and you’re probably wondering if guys are really this easy to satiate.  The answer to that question is also “yes”.  You could run over my cat with a tank and I’d forget about it within 30 seconds of your giving me a cool Transformer or a new Xbox360 game.

“Have you ever tried Broccoli the way I fix it?”

This question is irrelevant because Broccoli sucks no matter how it is prepared.  Don’t think for one minute that you have found some ancient secret that will negate the butt-tastic taste of this or any other of the vegetables that look like shrubbery or seaweed, because you have NOT.  There are some things that are universally true and there’s no way you can change them.  Country music will lower your IQ with it’s mind-numbingly stupid lyrics.  Stupid people will rubberneck and slow traffic on your side of the interstate for wrecks on the other side of the interstate.  Politicians and lawyers will always be criminals.  And yes, your Broccoli sucks no matter what you do to it.  So don’t force your guests to lie to your face about how good it tastes…if you are going to serve it (and I don’t see why you would) just know that it tastes freaking awful!  Oh, and you can pretty much replace Broccoli with any other vegetable and this all still holds true.   

Should the author of this blog continue to act like a crotchety, grumpy old fart or should he be more positive and uplifting?

Well, I know which way is more fun for me, so…

“Do I like it?  DO I LIKE IT?  WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK?  I don’t care how much molten cheese and ranch dressing you’ve dripped on that stuff, your ‘Spinach-wrapped Cauliflower Bundles’ are freaking terrible!  What are you doing serving this crap to me?  Are we even friends anymore?  What did I do to upset you to the point that you’d try to get me to eat bushes?  I need a tube of Pringles STAT!”