This here songs gonna' be a hit!

Want to make it big in the "Kuntry Muzak" industry?  It's easy...all you have to do is use the following "Kuntry Muzak" generator and you too can be huge amongst the legions of the inbred! 

First, we need to select the subject of your song.  Do you want your song to be about:

1. Long lost love interests who spurned you for another
2. Details about your personal problems that no one but you cares about
3. Trucks
4. Redneck "sports" - the rodeo, NASCAR, or professional "fishin" or "bowlin"
5. Incorrectly spelled words that have significant meaning in your life ("I'm in L-U-V with a capital "U")

Now that you have chosen this, we need to decide who this important song will feature as the main character.  Your song will feature...

1. Your mamma
2. Your dawg
3. Your Mossburg 30 aught 5 dual load jackspread tight-bore deer rifle that you cherish more than your firstborn son
4. Your 52 Ford (no Kuntry boy would dare drive one of them' Chevy's)
5. Your wife/girlfriend/saturday night special

Ok, now what ails you?

1. The character I chose above has abandoned me (the "done left me" syndrome)
2. The character I chose above drives me to alcoholism ("they done drove me ta drank")
3. The character above corresponded with me after many years ("Well I'll be...lookie here...I done got a letter from Suzie May!  I ain't seen her since the rodeo prom...")
4. The character above caused marital problems ("done got busted cheatin...'")
5. The character above was destroyed or died ("they done kicked the buckit...")

And finally, what sort of unrelated event will you related to this?  

1. This is just like the time "mamma burned my biscuits and overcooked my grits..."
2. This is just like the time "I fell over a fence and skuffed my boots..."
3. This is just like the time "I saw this coon chasin' an acorn..."
4. This is just like the time "Ricky Bobby Jack-Ray won the Daytona 500..."

Once you've answered all these questions, making a hit "Kuntry Muzak" song becomes as easy as...well, as easy as "Spittin' seeds in grandmaw's steel-toes".  Here, let me demonstrate...this stupid, idiotic yet highly-likely-to-be-a-country-music-hit features abandonment, my mother, strange references to food and animals, and overtly stupid comparisons to unrelated events.  I like to call it "Dixie Daydreamin' and Mamma's Bluejean Casserole"

 

Well I remember the time...when mamma was 59

She made me a ham sandwich.

And I'll never forget how she burnt the bread...

cause well ya know it made me sick.

She said "Son don't you worry none"...you'll be all right soon.

Now shut yer' hole and eat your grits, and don't forget yer spoon.

 

Well mamma always did knew best, what her son did need.

And now as I hold you in my arms, I see you're the one indeed.

You're just like my mamma

You're all I'll ever need.

Yeah you're just like my mamma

You're all I'll ever need.

 

I know I've been bad to you

and treated you like junk

But just like a coon what done found a nut

I'll love you like a skunk

Cause one thang my mamma taught me

You never do give up

Even though you burned that bread

The sandwich is still good enough

 

Well mama always did knew best, what her son did need.

And doin' the boot-skoot-buggy with you, I see you're what I need

You're look like my mamma

And that's all I'll ever need.

You smell like mamma

You're all I'll ever need.

 

Yeah, you're just like mamma...

...and mamma is all I'll....

....NEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDD!

 

Now if you're thinking that this song is far too stupid to ever be a big hit in the world of "Kuntry Muzak"...well, think again.  This song is pretty sane compared to some of the absolute TRASH they've sold.  It's a stupid genre of music and it needs to die a slow, painful death.

If you haven't guessed it already, I FREAKING HATE COUNTRY MUSIC.  Feel free to make your own song and post it in my comments section...if we get enough, we'll create an album called "This Crap Sucks" and make millions in Nashville.