If I had my own radio show...

Hello, yes, this is Ken and I'm a first time caller, I love your show..it's absolute genius.  I wanted to ask what kind of salad I should order with my meal when I eat out?  I want to make the most of my meal, but am unsure whether I should get the house salad, the Caesar salad or that other weird one with feta cheese?

Ken, I'll be honest with you here...skip the freaking salad.  I never, ever eat salad with my meal.  Why?  Because I'm treating myself to something nice, and a bunch of lettuce is not my idea of something fun and enjoyable.  Save room in your gut for the food that counts!  Think about it...the chef spends a lot of time preparing the main course, the desserts, and other appetizers.  He does this so they'll taste perfect and provide enjoyment.  Know how much time they spend cooking the lettuce, or those little sliced up carrot pieces?  ZERO.  How many times do people leave their main course unfinished because they have a belly full of lemon-zested grass clippings?  The bottom line is, salads suck and you should not be wasting valuable stomach real estate on them.  Next.

Hi, my name is Brian, and I was wondering if you could tell me why Wednesday is called "Hump Day"?  I've never quite understood that one.  I'll hang up and listen.

I'm not sure if this is a serious question Brian, because anyone with more than 5 brain cells understands why it's called that.  For the sake of those with an IQ greater than sand, I'll take the opportunity you've afforded us with your idiotic question and ask something that's actually interesting: who came up with the spelling of the word "Wednesday"?  Take note of the way it's spelled, and then consider how we all pronounce it - "Wense-day".  Based on the spelling, shouldn't it be pronounced "Wed-nes-day"?  What the heck happens to the "d" in there?  And you know how I feel about potpourri.  Next.

Yo J!  Whut it be!  Yo show is kickin' bro!  This be Sean G. up in da hizz-ouse, and I be...(click)

Freaking moron.  Next.

Hi Jeremy, this is Jen.  I think you are the smartest man alive and I want you to have my babies.  I was wondering if you could give me some advice regarding a friend of mine who always smells really bad.  Should I tell them?  How should I deal with this situation?

Sorry Jen, I'm spoken for.  Back to your question, this is a tricky situation because most people are not stable enough to hear from trusted friend that they are kickin' like a Bruce Lee movie.  If you can tell them, great...they'll appreciate it like crazy once they're done being mad at you.  Regardless, one thing you must do is make sure you keep your distance from them in social settings - the reason for this is that you don't want other people to think that it's YOU that stinks!  If you're sitting at the dinner table, and you're right next to your friend, and he/she smells so bad that it drifts past you and over to folks sitting on the other side of you, those folks might think that you're the stinky one!  This is a case where you have to hang your friend out to dry and make sure everyone knows it's them and not you that is bringing the funk.  Also, anytime you can, plan your activities to include things that would double as a bath of sorts...like swimming.  Next.

Yeah this is Tony from Boston, love da show.  Last night I was watching "Let's Make a Deal" and wondered if you saw the part wh... (click)    

How about you and I make a deal right now...you agree to stop watching retarded game shows that waste valuable prime-time TV spots  where inbreeders win lots of cash based on nothing more than dumb luck and I'll agree to stop pushing you into oncoming traffic.  Some of these shows are so freaking stupid!  "Hey moron...push the flashing red button and see if you instantly win money!  While the wheel spins I'll ridicule you and we'll all get a good laugh out of your desperation...all that and more tonight on HEY AMERICA, JUST HOW STUPID ARE YOU."

We're all out of time folks...for those of you stuck on hold, sucks to be you.

Tune in tomorrow, when my guest will be that British chick who wrote all the Harry Potter books.  We're going to find out once and for all what happens to the little #!^%&* and when it's going to happen, because frankly I'm sick and tired of it all.  If I see one more stupid freaking Harry Potter advertisement I'll go postal.  "Harry Potter and the Story That Wouldn't Freaking End", "Harry Potter and the Beating of a Dead Horse", "Harry Potter and the Marketing Campaign from Hell"...give me a FREAKING BREAK ALREADY!  If he's such a powerful wizard, why doesn't he break that wand off in someone and be done with it?  All he does is wander around looking at me with those big ole' goofy looking eyeballs of his, getting his butt kicked and spawning endless sequels.  I could beat Harry Potter down blindfolded with a Stuckey's Pecan Log for a wand.