As your president...

Yes, you heard it here first...I am officially throwing my hat in the ring for the presidency!  Given the fact that both the republican and democratic nominees will absolutely suck this year, I figure why not start up a write-in campaign?  After all, I have several qualities none of the other candidates have that I think would be beneficial, and you KNOW I'm going to tell the truth and tell you exactly where I stand on any given issue.  Plus, unlike the candidates we have right now, I'm smart, have common sense, am not completely driven by the desire to have more power (not completely...although I'd like to have just enough power to make people who park their cars crooked and end up taking more than one parking space wear jellyfish jockstraps), and am not a complete jackweasel.

And hey!  Consider these insanely awesome promises I'll make to you!

If elected, I will move to abolish the ability to custom order food at any drive-thru...this will speed up the process and will force all the special order morons to go inside.  Imagine how much your life will change when you get back all that time you normally spend sitting in line at Burger King while some dullard tries to get "light mayo only" on his 2000 calorie Whopper. 

If elected, I will act quickly and decisively to enact legislation banning the airing of "Mentos" commercials on TV.

If elected, I pledge to put an end to the practice of writing and selling those "Idiot's" books.  If you are inclined to read books, you are likely not an idiot.  Idiots avoid books like country music singers avoid meaning and depth in their songs...so littering the shelves of every bookstore with "The Idiot's Guide to Annoying the Mess Out of Your Neighbors Through Creative Landscape" is a meaningless waste of time and energy.   

If elected, I promise to move towards a vegetable-free society where none of us are forced to eat food that looks like shrubbery and has to be smothered in buckets of cheese just to be palatable.  Our founding fathers did not suffer and struggle all those years just so that we could eek out a living...they wanted us to have the best kind of life possible.  And folks, I cannot imagine a great life being one filled with the eating of mustard greens...

If you elect me...I will make dairy companies produce only one kind of milk.  No longer will you have to sort through all the varieties of vitamin-enriched, skimmed-low-fat free, uranium-infused milks.  There will just be one kind, it will say "FREAKING MILK" on the label and you'll just grab it.  Do you realize that they make milk now that has bacteria in it - on purpose?  They are actually ADDING bacteria to our milk now.  This isn't what America is all about!

Write my name in on your ballot, and when I'm elected I'll invite all those who voted for me over to the White House for a HUGE party! 

I do need to find a running mate though...this is going to be tough because I need someone who can make me look good but who won't upstage me.  I also want someone who will pummel anyone who disagrees with my policies.  I'll begin accepting applications now, but if I were you I'd hurry because I know there will be a lot of interest in this position.  The pay doesn't suck either.

I don't care if I get elected or not, I'm still not going to wear a suit because suits suck and I don't like to do stuff that sucks.