Real Estate Goodness

Ever see those additional little small signs that they stick on top of real estate signs?  Here is what they really mean:

"Must See Inside" - what they're really trying to say is, please don't judge this house by how crappy the outside looks.  We promise that it's so good looking inside that you'll forget the dilapidated exterior.

"Reduced" - we're so desperate to sell this house that we're announcing our desperation in hopes that someone will take advantage of it.  Please take advantage of us...PLEASE!

"Owner Relocating" - this could mean one of two things...either the house sucks so bad that the owner decided, "Freaking forget it...I'm getting the <bleep> out of here now, and I don't care if it's sold or not!  I hate this house so bad that I'm willing to risk bankruptcy to avoid spending one more day here!"...or, "The economy here is terrible, so I was forced to relocate to find work."  Sounds like a winner!

"Agents Welcome" - yeah, ok...you can bring your unscrupulous, lying, cheating, money grubbing helper along with you...but I'm not filling out a bunch of paperwork just to let him walk around my house, which he'll then turn around and use to say that I legally agreed to give him 47% of my retirement fund.

"Sold" - this sign is hereby posted to commemorate the fact that someone just got ripped off.  Here's hoping it wasn't you.    

"Under Contract" - The good news is, there's still hope for you if you are interested in this house.  Our heinous legal system and bloated government have made the paperwork involved in buying/selling a house so painful to deal with that there's a great chance one of the parties involved will simply quit due to writer's cramps or mental fatigue.  The bad news is, should you pursue this house at some point "the parties involved" will involve you.  

"What?  Five more stacks of paperwork?  Fourteen separate pieces of identification?  Three hours worth of going over stupid details and signing my name for the 1 billionth time?  FOR CRYING OUT LOUD YOU!  JUST LET ME GIVE YOU THE MONEY AND YOU GIVE ME THE HOUSE AND TELL THE LAWYERS I'M GOING TO SHOVE THAT PAPERWORK SO FAR UP...no, I'm not going to run and go get a passport...NO...NO...no you can't have a flippin' blood sample you vulture!  JUST LET ME BUY THE HOUSE!"