Dark Chocolate Dummy

Yesterday I purchased a Hershey's Dark Chocolate candy bar out of the vending machine at work.  Those things rock...anyway, as I was getting ready to open it, I noticed something that I had never seen before on the wrapper - instructions on how to open the candy bar. 

What would possess a company to feel it necessary to do this?  What was it that drove Hershey's to spend the time redesigning their candy bar wrappers to include instructions on how to open them?  I can only assume - and this is the scary part - that they did it because they were getting deluged with complaints from people who were actually struggling to get their candy bars out.  They had to be receiving so many complaints that they went to their wrapper people and said, "Hey, shut it down...we have to make an emergency change to the design.  I know it'll cost us millions, but we have to do something to get these people off our backs.  Don't run another wrapper until you've added instructions to them.  Make them easy to follow too...in fact, why don't you show them exactly where to put their fingers when they need to open the wrapper.  I know this seems ridiculous, but to preempt your questions -yeah, they're that dumb."

"Hershey's Customer Service, can I help you?"

"Yeah, I want my freakin money back lady - I can't get this dang candy out of the wrapper and now it's all busted up!"

"Well sir, did you follow the instructions we put on the wrapper for opening the candy bar?"

"Naw, didn't do that.  I shouldn't have to read a bunch of instructions to open my dang candy bar."

"No sir, you really shouldn't - but let's go over what happened.  How did your candy bar get all 'busted up'?"

"Well, first I tried tearin' it open with my teeth, but they kept coming out.  Then I tried smackin' it with a hammer a few times, thinkin' that might bust that wrapper open, but all it did was bust up my candy.  That's when I got my butane torch out and tried to burn it.  That did the trick but my candy bar got all melted up - it came pourin' out of there and got all over my favorite Hank Williams T-shirt.  Now I done ruined a $5 shirt to open up a $.50 candy bar!"

"Ok sir, do you still have the candy bar wrapper?"

"Uh, yeah...it's all licked up and stuff, but I still got it."

 "Ok sir, if you will send us a self-addressed, stamped envelope and that wrapper, plus $1.50 handling fee, we'll send you a refund for the $.50 you spent on the candy bar."

"A'aight...gimme your address and I'll do it.  Sorry I had to get tough with you there lady, but when you ruin a man's Hank Williams shirt you gotta answer for it."

What I can't figure out is how you were able to get the candy bar out of the vending machine in the first place.  I mean, operating a vending machine is WAY more complicated than opening a candy bar wrapper.  Maybe this is why they let the machines take dollar bills now...maybe the lines to buy candy were backing up while some troll stood there randomly putting coins into the slot trying to figure out what was required to make the machine work.

Here is what I suggest to those of you who can't figure out how to open your candy bar without instructions - don't breed.

Thanks.

Speaking of dummies, nice job electing the Democrats to office America.  More taxes and terrorism anyone? It'll be swell!