The irony of life

I’m too sleepy to make an attempt at something witty - I'll get back on track next week - so I figured I’d just blog from the ole’ ticker today (yes, I do actually have a heart…I know some of you were wondering) since the birth of my son has reminded me of the incredible irony of life.

My wife is such a wonderful woman…smart, sexy, fun to be with...and is one of those rare people who really treats you with love. When she loves you, you know it…you can tell by the way she looks at you. You can feel it in her touch and it’s undeniable in the way she acts. Sometimes, when I’m acting like a big kid she’ll give me this smile…I can’t really describe it, but it’s the most loving and reassuring grin and lets me know it’s ok for me to be just who I am. And I swear…she’s so gorgeous…she’s got this look to her that will just jump up every now and then and grab you, and it’s the kind of thing she can do no matter what she’s wearing or what she’s doing. You’re just sitting there and then all of a sudden – WOW, that’s one incredibly hot girl. Gets your heart going and makes you crazy. And let me tell you, there’s nothing in life like having someone who truly “gets” you. It builds you up in a way that makes you feel invincible. She knows my moods. She knows the timing of my sense of humor and appreciates the funny things I say. She knows my passions and my prejudices. She appreciates the quirky things I do and allows me to be who I am without caveat or consequence. I still don’t know how I ended up with her, but I did…and for that, I am one hell of a happy man.

Then there are my kids, who I love so much it scares me…because I’m not really in control like I’d like to be when my heart gets that “giddy”. There is nothing better to me than to have my daughter come running up to me when I get home – that little girl can wipe away the darkest, dreariest clouds from my day with just one little word. She’s got me wrapped around that cute little finger of hers for sure…I can’t resist her no matter how hard I try. She’s so cute and so wide-eyed and so special, and you just want to give her this eternal hug and lay everything she’d ever want right at her feet. If you could just watch her play…to see the way her imagination works and how “awesome” every little thing is to her – I often – OFTEN – find myself crying just watching her. Now my son is here, and I’m sure he’s going to devastate me in the same way. I wish I could explain my love in a way you’d get, but I can’t…I just can’t. If you read my blog, you know something’s up when I’m at a loss for words – that’s how incredible they are to me.

What you have to understand is, when you love people this much, it’s a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it fills your life with so much light and joy that you suddenly understand just how lonely you’d been all those years. You began to understand what true fulfillment is. Then, slowly, another thought begins creeping into your mind - that the world we live in is hard and cruel and cold and perhaps has terrible things in store for them. The love you feel for them, which at moments takes you to heights you never imagined before, also has the potential to drive you to the depths as you worry incessantly over them. The realization that the objects of your deepest, most passionate love are beyond your ability to shelter and protect is something that causes much pain and sorrow.

I know that it’s foolish to worry about that which you cannot control – heck, it’s the topic of most self-help books on the market these days – but I just can’t help myself. I spend my time trying to make certain the uncertain – to fashion a guarantee out of nothingness that everything will be alright with them and that these eyes of mine won’t ever have to watch them endure any hardship. But the bottom line is, you can’t check life…it counters your every move with the unexpected and you’re left with nothing you can really count on when it comes to the events that will unfold in the times of you and yours.

There are, of course, theological answers to issues like these – although it isn’t that God will shelter them from the harm life often causes. I won’t go into the theology of it here, but God does not promise to protect and does not guarantee any sort of charmed life. I know many will disagree, but scripture just doesn’t bear this out – and it certainly doesn’t jive with the lives of many who have suffered at the hands of this world (including many biblical characters.) I’m not going to get into those answers now, because frankly that’s not the point here…I’m not here to give you what I perceive to be the “answers” to feeling this way. I’m just making note of the incredible irony of life – that what brings you the most joy can also cause you the most anguish unless you guard yourself from it – and yet in guarding yourself you miss out on some of the richness of the experience. Do you love fully and risk the hurt, or do you guard yourself and skip the highs and lows? Funny how we have to make a choice like this, isn't it?

The irony of life: the notion that apples have worms and storms bring rainbows