Wedding Day Blues

Some friends of mine recently went to a wedding, and it got me thinking about how much I hate weddings. I love it when people get married – that part is cool – but the entire ceremony thing is just stupid.

First of all, they should BAN all weddings from May to October because it’s just too flipping hot. Nothing like putting on 5 layers of thick, non-breathable clothing and then having to stand outside for 30 minutes while some photographer fiddles around with creases in your clothing that aren’t even visible to the naked eye. You’re sitting there trying to smile, but inside your brain is screaming “TAKE THE PICTURE YOU FREAKING WEASEL BEFORE I SMASH YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH THAT $1500 CAMERA!” Weddings are supposed to be beautiful and romantic, but it’s hard to keep the “air of romance” intact when your groomsman are sweating buckets. We’re not made of plastic! If you make us stand outside in July wearing a tuxedo we will sweat profusely and as a result will stink up your wedding. The last wedding I was in (during August – THANKS), my armpits were like a tropical rainforest…and hey, nothing like some butt sweat to get you feeling suave and sexy!

I’m a firm believer that no wedding should last longer than…oh, I don’t know…5 minutes. These days it takes 10 minutes just to get everyone on the stage! There are these elaborate marching formations, and people have to do that weird walk where they move one foot forward, then slide the back foot up, then move that foot forward…so each person takes 3 minutes to walk 30 feet. Then there are about…umm…30 songs, each one “mushier” and “sappier” than the last one, until at last you have some guy wailing in his best “opera voice” about how his ghost will refuse heaven and instead choose to swim 1000 miles through volcanic lava just to smell her perfume one last time – because THAT is how much he loves her. After all these songs, the minister then feels compelled to talk for a really long time about why marriage is so important – even though it’s obvious the couple understands that as they have CHOSEN TO GET MARRIED. He also feels like he must reassure us that the couple is really in love (as if we didn’t know that already based on the third song we heard, where the woman says that each time she thinks of him, angels carry her on silver-lined clouds through star-filled portraits of him until she reaches a point where she knows that she’d love him even if he were to get hit about 1000 times in the face with a rake, resulting in his being horribly disfigured forever) Finally, to ensure that they are qualified to be married, we test them by having them try to repeat some really tricky phrases on the spot in front of everyone. If they do it, and can withstand the ceremony itself, which is now running about 45 minutes or so, then they have the minister’s blessings and are free to be wed. Keep in mind that during this entire thing, the wedding party cannot sit down! They have to stand up, remaining motionless and trying not to pass out or scratch any itches they might have. Hey…at least they’re wearing comfortable shoes…(Click here to see why dress clothes suck - http://jeremyconner.blogspot.com/2006/05/my-last-request.html)

The really cool thing is that everyone in the wedding gets to spend a lot of money on stuff they don’t get to keep. I don’t know about you, but I love spending over $100 for a tuxedo that someone else has worn (and gotten sweaty!) and then not even getting to keep it when I’m done – if that isn’t the textbook definition of “throwing money out the window” then I don’t know what is. Plus, I really hate having some dude running a measuring tape all around me…not only do I get to find out how much bigger my waste has gotten, but I’m forced to let some guy get his grope on. Great. For you ladies, it costs even more…and although you sometimes get to keep your dress, when in the world are you ever going to wear it again? Because the bride always picks out some color that is ONLY appropriate for a wedding…how many chances do you get in life to wear a teal formal?

(groan)…is all this really necessary? I highly doubt it.

Let us all join together in prayer for the happy couple as they strive to emulate the love expressed in our next song, “I love you more than ever – even though you’ve somehow genetically mutated into a slug.”