I scream, you scream...

As an “ice cream freak”, I have spent a great deal of time considering how to best enhance my ice cream enjoyment. Here are a few guidelines I recommend following to get the most out of your ice cream:

DON’T bother eating ice cream if you are on a diet. I can’t stand these people who go to the fridge, pull out the ice cream, and then take a teaspoon and scoop out a thimble’s worth of ice cream to eat. What the heck are you doing? Dieting? What are you doing even looking at ice cream if you are on a diet? It has no nutritional value whatsoever! The only thing ice cream is good for, the only thing it’s ever done right in it’s entire life, and the one and only reason for it’s continued existence in this world is – get ready - to make you FAT. Don’t bother the ice cream unless you’re going to get at least 2 scoops. If you want to diet, go eat 2 of those nasty “Snackwells” cookies – I hear the new “Garden Vegetable & Grass Clippings” variety is a real treat! Ice cream isn’t diet food people! This is fattening, artery-clogging cholesterol-laden sugar-high-inducing ice cream, and it’s meant to be enjoyed in a BOWL, not a CUP. And don’t bother with low-fat sugar-free ice cream unless you like the taste of frozen milk. Some things in life just can’t be faked, and ice cream is one of them. There never has been, nor will there ever be, a great tasting low-fat substitute for ice cream. Stop looking for one.

DON’T put fruit in your ice cream or eat ice cream with fruit particles already in it. I think doing this is a sign of schizophrenia – do you want to eat healthy or do you want to eat something that tastes good? These folks can’t make up their minds, so they throw some dried out raspberry bits into their ice cream to feel better about things. That fruit is not making the ice cream less fattening – just less enjoyable.

DO use sprinkles! No matter what kind of ice cream you have, sprinkles will make it better! It’s like having little sugar crunchies mixed in with every bite! Just be careful not to let anyone see you using the sprinkles, because it’s perceived by the uneducated as a sissy thing to do. Nothing will ruin your tough guy image more than getting busted with a container full of sprinkles while smiling giddily and doing the white man’s version of the “Rump Shaker” as you excitedly pour them over your bowl of Fudge Nut Brownie Explosion.

DO remember the “ice cream density” rule when selecting your ice cream. This rule basically states that ice cream becomes tastier in relation to the amount of “stuff” that’s in it…so regular vanilla ice cream, which by itself sucks, becomes better and better with each scoop of cookie crumbs or candy that you throw into it. I strongly recommend against eating plain ice cream at all - if all you have in your house is vanilla or chocolate ice cream, find something that you can heat up and throw it on top of it. I truly believe that if it weren’t for apple pie and brownies vanilla ice cream wouldn’t even exist anymore.

Please note that the author does not recommend giving small children large quantities of ice cream unless they belong to someone else and will be leaving your house within the hour.