Oh, the memories we'll have!

My 5 yr. old daughter was goofing around instead of getting ready to go to church the other night when I told her that she needed to hustle up and get her shoes on or else she'd "miss the boat".  She replied, "Daddy, we ride to church in a car.  We don't have to take a boat!"  Isn't that cute?  Isn't it so cute when you're kids say things like that, especially when you are busting butt to leave and the baby is screaming and you can't find your keys?  Isn't it so cute to have that little sweet voice correcting you in the midst of all that?  And later when you find out that little dolly was playing with your keys and that's how they ended up in the bottom of the toy chest, don't you just want to give them a big 'ole squeeze?  Isn't it adorable how they took a fat crayon and wrote all over the walls of your house because the 4, 587 sheets of blank paper they had weren't ideal enough to draw a stick-figure Blues Clues treasure hunt map on?  Oh the memories we'll have of the time when the baby crapped himself so profusely that it spilled out of his diaper and into his car seat - I'll never forget the way he got it all over himself and almost made us puke and how we had to throw away the car seat and hose him down like he was the only known carrier of a fatal disease - so precious!  And if only we could forever capture the feelings we had the moment our daughter informed us that "somehow" her slice of pizza ended up face down on the carpet and then she accidentally stepped on it.  Who would ever want to experience life without having worked on your home printer for 3 hours before discovering the source of the problem to be a penny lodged in a spot that only a malicious little hand could have put it? 

Have you ever been at a friends house who had kids before you had kids yourself and experienced them changing a poop diaper?  The smell will bring tears to your eyes and you'll be fighting your gag reflex like crazy, but then your friends will say "Ah, it will be different when it's your own kids.  You won't mind it then."  BULLCRAP.  It stinks just as bad when it's your own kids!  You could submerge my 1 year old in a submarine and you'd still be keenly aware of the moment he grunted.  Yeah, I'll be sure to cherish the memory of those diapers for the rest of my life.

And who can forget the wonderful moments you spend playing with your kids?

"Daddy!  Let's play the Princess and the mean Prince!  You be the mean Prince and I'll be the Princess!"

"Ok, how do we play tha - "

(WHAM!  "Disney Princess Ariel Magic Wand" to the left testicle...)

Good times folks...good times!

How is it that my kids can't manage to get their trash into the trash can, which has a huge opening, but yet never fail to smack me directly in the eye or across the jewels with any small, whip-like toys they own?

Praise the Lord for my wonderful wife, who puts up with this sort of thing to a degree I cannot imagine so that my children can have a stay-at-home mom!

Famous quotes - lucky day style

"A penny saved is a penny earned a complete waste of time because you can't buy anything with a penny."

"Be prepared...for your day to suck major butt."

"The early bird gets the worm bags under his eyes and a strong desire to nap during the 2 o'clock meeting."

"Idle hands are the devil's workshop hands that are well-rested and have plenty of time to do stuff they actually enjoy doing"

"A bird in the hand is better than two in the bush means someone needs to ask you, 'What in the heck are you doing holding a live bird in your hand?'"

"A stitch in time saves nine." (Is there some hidden wisdom here that only sewing people understand?  This sucks by virtue of it's obscurity and you should severely beat anyone who says this to you.)

"Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all that to have married an ugly mean girl with bad breath and a poodle. (Poodles suck, just trust me on this one)"

"You'll never know until you try...just how bad of a failure you can be."

"If at first you don't succeed, try try again you may need to consider the possibility that you're too stupid to accomplish what you have set out to accomplish.  Realizing this can save you a lot of heartache and struggle, and many people are capable of living within the limits of their own stupidity and actually become quite comfortable there."

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away means at least once a day you could be eating something much more tasty."

"Every man dies - but not every man really lives does it quickly enough."

"Give a man a fish, and you feed him for today.  Teach a man to fish, and you have fed him for a lifetime hopefully conveyed the message that you're not going to support some lazy, out of work bum who wants to sponge off your hard work.  If this loser wants fish, let him catch his own @!#% fish!"

"It takes 47 facial muscles to frown and only 13 to smile...but a look of complete indifference doesn't require any facial movement at all and does just as good of a job of conveying the notion that you want the other person to go away."

"I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something."  Mitch Hedberg (1968 - 2005)

Teenage girl blog

Currently Listening
Light A Match
by Absolute Crap








OMG today totally sucked. I had a customer totally spill his coffee on me at work today and then this other guy wanted to pay with EXACT CHANGE!!! and not with a check card OMG that really sucked because I had to open the register and I totally don’t know how to do that. Ken the manager guy like so got on to me about it and said my attitude needed to improve well no way like what am I supposed to do be happy about having to count out change for some guy who’s like holding up the line? Everyone was pro’lly happy that I gave him a dirty look cause they had to wait on him and OMG he smelled so bad. I so thought I was going to throw up right there but I didn’t. My mom is not cool with me wearing this skirt she says it will make all the boys stear at me but Brandon totally digs it so I just put the skirt in my backpack and change into it when I got to work – hope my mom doesn’t come in to buy some coffee LOL! I've just got to get those pink sandals cause they will look SO CUTE! with this skirt and that purse is darling I want it too. Does Johnny really like me you think? He is so HAWT and so cute and he told me the other day that he might come over one time OMG can you beleeve it I would totally die if he did but in a good way. You should wear your hair up more it looks so good! Mr. Jenkins said if I talk anymore he's going to like call my parents or something chemistry class is SO BORING I'm like when is the bell going to ring or whatever so I can go to lunch already??? School is such a major pain except for boys. Well, GTG talk to you later. bye.

Dance

You know when you gotta go cause life is tough
They’re yelling at you ‘bout your hair and clothes and stuff
Well tell them to !#@%!@^% ‘cause you’ve had enough

And Johnny looks at you and says, “Baby you ain’t right…
You’re stupid and ugly and I cheated on you with Julie last night…
…but I still love you and I don’t want to fight”

Well you know what you gotta do…

Dance…like you never danced before
Cause it’s your chance…to move it on the floor
For everyone to look at you and love you even more
Cause dancing will make it all right
Dancin’ on into the night

Pictures

In case you're wondering, their super power is the ability to permanently repel members of the opposite sex. I think that kid in the middle is damaged goods at this point...the look on his face is either one of absolute, life-scarring embarrassment or the result of not pooping for 4 days...and neither of those is all that great.



Letting your hamster funnel twinkies is not good for his little heart. I bet the dust on his hamster wheel is so thick you could write your name in it. He's practically morphed into a tennis ball at this point!



The frightening thing about this next picture is that this guy looked at himself in a mirror and was happy enough with the way he looked to go out in public. He actually LIKES his haircut and thinks he looks good. Notice the old lady getting mugged in the background...heaven forbid this guy jump in and help - he's too busy trying to get a picture of a pair of squirrels mating.



I may not have told you this before, but I strongly suggest avoiding confrontations with ninjas. (in case you can't make it out, this move is called "Monkey Steals the Peach"...ninjas are so awesome that even their "de-balling" techniques are both incredibly cool and extremely painful. I'm not all that pumped about my "peaches" being in the clutches of a trained killer, so whatever Mr. Ninja wants, Mr. Ninja gets.)



Here below we find one of society's elite, the "upper crust" if you will, enjoying an afternoon of watching cars make left turns. This guy is killing the national IQ average...he's the reason we're only scoring slightly above primates. NASCAR draws those lacking intelligence in like a bug light on the back porch of a trailer up on cinder blocks...the easily confused simply cannot resist it's "charm". They may not understand math or science or the simple rules of grammar and spelling, but they seem to be able to understand that the shiny little cars go round and round and that this is a good thing. The bright colors keep their attention and the cars present them with familiar product labels they can relate to (beer, snuff, lawn maintenance, cereal). The drivers all keep in mind that these fans need to be able to remember their names, so they use names that are familiar and simple ("Billy Jo Johnson", "Jimmy Billy", "Ricky Timmy") or start with the same letters ("Jimmy Jackson", "Ricky Red", "Kenny Kenson") or have some sort of childish innuendo to them ("Dick Trickle" - yes, this is an actual driver name, which I know may shock some of you, but it's true, you can't make up stuff like this)



And now, the obligatory cute puppy picture...since it's the weekend and I don't want to leave on a sour note. Don't you just want to give her a big 'ole hug? Her name is "ginger"...or at least that's the name they gave her on that illegal dog-fighting site where I got the picture from.



Hamsters might be stupid pets, but they are light years ahead of goldfish. You can't do jack with a goldfish! Ever pet your goldfish? TOUCH THEM AND THEY DIE! Who wants a pet that dies when you show it affection?

Anatomy of an "infomercial"

Is it just me, or would the rest of you rather lick uncooked hamburger patties than have to watch more than 5 seconds of these TV segments we've come to know as "infomercials"? 

An "infomercial" is a phenomenon where unscrupulous companies buy hour long television segments and present you with the opportunity to buy products so low in quality that even the large chain stores like Wal-Mart won't waste shelf space on them.  There's nothing quite as cheesy, nothing quite as infuriating, nothing quite as...worthy of death by the over-consumption of broccoli...as having some stupid punk wasting your valuable couch potato time trying to trick you into sending him money.  There must be some sort of kit you can buy to help you produce one of these "infomercials" because they all contain the same elements.

First, you have to have some sort of stake in a company that has produced a product of absolutely no use to the general public...a product so ridiculous, so low-grade, so unworthy of the time spent creating it that your entire marketing plan has to be based around people accidentally buying your product.  No primate with any sort of brainwave activity at all would knowingly purchase what you're selling, so what you're counting on is that the people who've stayed up late enough to see your commercial are sleep deprived enough to mistakenly dial the number on the screen thinking they're paying the cable bill.  You'll then change the name of your company so that 4-6 weeks later, when the "Dance-O-Lot Cactus" arrives, they won't be able to track you down and try to return it. 

"Yes, this is Gimmick International, how may I help you today sir?" 

"Uhh yeah...somehow you guys got the impression that I wanted to buy one of these cactus things and somehow you got me to call you and give you my credit card number...not sure what happened, but I definitely do not want this thing."

"Well sir, did you know that your 'Dance-O-Lot Cactus' sings 'Love Me Tender' when the voice activation system hears anyone in the room?  It's funny and ironic because you can't tenderly love a cactus...you know, because of all the sharp needles on it.  Most people really love that feature!"

"Uhh yeah...I'm not interested and would like to return it."

"Have you tried 'feeding' it some coins?  It burps and farts when you do...very popular with the kids sir."

"Uhh...listen...I hate this freaking thing and am fighting the urge to smash it to pieces.  I want to send it back, how do I do that?"

"Sir this particular unit has an easily removable 'butt cork' that allows quick access to any money you may have stored in the unit.  Have you tried removing and replacing the cork?  It's very efficient!  I don't love my son very much and so I got him one of these for Christmas last year...he's saved up enough pennies to put a down payment on a bag of tropical Skittles.  We're very excited sir!"

"I WANT MY FREAKING MONEY BACK NOW LADY!  I'M NOT KEEPING THIS THING!  IT SUCKS AND YOU SHOULD BE SMASHED OVER THE HEAD WITH A SLEEPING BAG FULL OF HORNETS FOR SELLING IT TO ME!"

"Please hold sir while I transfer your call..." 

And they never come back to your call, and when you call back the number is no longer in service and the company no longer exists and you are stuck with your very own 'Dance-O-Lot Cactus' forever. 

The key to selling any product is to try to convince people that their lives will be better if they own it, and this is where the out of work actors come into play.  Their job is to act as though purchasing the "Dance-O-Lot Cactus" means ending the search for meaning and happiness in life.  This simple cactus, with it's witty sayings and easily removable butt cork, has managed to do for these people what religion, family, money, fame, fortune, etc. could not do - bring joy to their lives and smiles to their miserable faces.  "Life sucks.  Purchase a 'Dance-O-Lot Cactus' and everything will be alright."  Flash to some guy sitting in his trailer next to a stuffed racoon and a half-empty can of hot beer - "Since I got this here cactus, my whole life changed.  Now everyone loves me, and at nights me and all my friends 'n family come over to the trailer and gather 'round this thing and just laugh and laugh.  Seein' this thing dance heals my soul...and my hemmorhoids don't burn nearly as much!"  Flash to some scantily-clad bleached blonde - "'Dance-O-Lot' has brought the romance back into our marriage...and Vince has finally agreed to go see a counselor once he gets out of jail!"  Flash to some extremely happy kids playing 'CandyLand' with the cactus.  Flash to some grandpa using the cactus as a place to store his dentures overnight.  Flash to a scene of the signing of a worldwide peace treaty between all nations and the "Dance-O-Lot Cactus" sitting in the middle of the table, somehow responsible for it all.  "Yes folks, eternal bliss with every purchase guaranteed or your money back!"  How do these smokeblowers sleep at night?              

Despite all the cheesy acting and utter uselessness of the product being sold, there will inevitably be some absolute void who'll be interested in purchasing a "Dance-O-Lot Cactus."  This is where they, while struggling to withhold laughter and the urge to mock you for your bad decision making abilities, have to tell you how much it costs.  At this point, they figure if you're stupid enough or incapacitated enough to want to buy the product, you'll also suck at math.  Thus the "3 sets of 4 payments of the coefficient of $19.99 squared"...because everything has to sound like it costs 19.99.  I'm guessing they surveyed stupid people and found that this was the monetary breaking point, so no matter what it actually costs they have to come up with a way to make it cost "$19.99".  Then they have another challenge to face - the desire that most people will have to return the product.  What they do to counter this is to throw in a bunch of other stuff that's even more useless than the original product, but which is hard to pack up and send back to them.  So not only do you get the "Dance-O-Lot Cactus", but you also get a 32-piece set of black market knock-off Tupperware that comes in strange shapes and sizes so you can, for example, store a single tomato slice for up to 3 weeks!  We all know how beneficial storing vegetables by the slice can be!   Plus, you get the "Demolecularizer 3000" - a plastic knife that uses sound waves to break down foods you're wanting to slice.  It contains scientific technology that even the government hasn't figured out yet, but which this fly-by-night company can afford to freely give away to anyone that buys a "Dance-O-Lot Cactus."  The bottom line is, you'll never get this stuff all packed up and ready to ship via UPS in time to get your money back.  Pretty brilliant strategy for such idiots...if only they spent their time working on better stuff to sell rather than scamming us all, they might not contribute to the lowering of the national IQ as much.

What's so troubling here is that people are buying stuff like this.  You know they are, or there wouldn't be so many hours of TV dedicated to this mule dump.  I didn't have much faith in humanity before, but this is really starting to worry me.  I guess this explains the popularity of things like country music, 'So You Think You Can Dance' and pickle flavored potato chips.

For a limited time, you can receive a printed copy of this blog for only 5 small payments of the square root of 789!  Well, that plus shipping and handling...and I'll throw in a picture of me typing it up at the computer in my boxer shorts and a top hat at no extra charge!  Supplies are limited, so act now before I run out of that printer paper I confiscated from work....