Incoming Text Message: You Suck

Texting – ok, I get that this is something many of you consider to be cool, and I’m a technology guy so I can appreciate it to an extent.  The problem is when technology and stupidity merge in an unholy matrimony of electrodes and brain farts, and no phenomenon demonstrates this better than people who obsess over cell phone texting. 

I don’t know about you, but the thing I love the most about people who use their cell phones to text message is the OBNOXIOUSLY ANNOYING and INCESSANT stream of beeps and noises that are produced each and every time they receive a text!  Exactly where do you people find these irritating ringtones at?  I wasn’t aware that the sounds of giant robots puking up badgers was available in 50 decibel format!  I didn’t know that you could obtain a 10 minute loop of the most irritating computer noises ever heard and have it play each time your idiot friend sends you a text to let you know about the most mundane events of his life (“I jst exhaled, getN ready 2 inhale now”)!  If you’re actively texting someone, you know you’re going to get a new message every 45 seconds…do we have to hear that INFERNAL racket each and every time it happens?  You don’t need to be notified at this point!  Turn that freaking noise off or risk having that flip-phone jammed sideways up your chute. 

Oh, and please note that texting does not make you appear to be cool and sophisticated.  I say this because I think many of you who text message frequently are desperate for the entire world to know that you are texting and that you text and that some other person is sending you text messages and that you are responding to text messages and that they are funny and full of “OMG” moments.  You think that when we see you sitting there gawking wide-eyed at your miniscule telephone screen, mouth agape, giggling like a 5 year old, that we’re saying to ourselves, “Wow, this person must be VERY popular – everyone wants to talk to him/her every single minute of their lives!  He/She is SOOOOO connected!”  But what we’re really thinking is that you’re not smart enough to realize that the object you’re receiving text messages on is capable of making ACTUAL PHONE CALLS during which you could talk with your voice to the person you wish to communicate with!  We’re wondering why you’d rather spend countless minutes typing barely comprehensible fragments of thought (“OMG u have to IM me L8R u will not bleev what Kevin jus did!”) on a keyboard that’s roughly the size of a bubble gum wrapper instead of just calling them.  Just stop rolling around in your chair faking fits of laughter and making all sorts of over the top facial expressions designed to get our attention and just type your stupid nonsensical message in quiet.       

Perhaps the worst offense cell phone “texties” commit is when they start keying in stuff right in the middle of a conversation they’re having with you.  If you and I are talking and I suddenly pull out a book and start reading it while pretending to still pay attention to you, wouldn’t you be a bit upset?  What sort of message would my actions send to you?  That you bore me more  than watching elderly snails race uphill with ankle weights on?  The thing is, you disrespectfully interrupt a conversation with a living, breathing person who’s right in front of you so that you can respond to your BFF who’s just texted you with the life altering news that she’s going to go pour herself a diet Coke.  It’s like you think that since you’re not actually talking on the phone it’s not interrupting anyone because it’s not a real conversation with a real person.  You’re just texting, right?  Wrong.  It’s rude, it’s stupid and you need to be pushed into a vat of steaming hot mustard greens for doing it.   

I deffo nd 2 gt d "Roomful of Screaming Babies" rngtone so dat IL B sure 2no wen u txt me!

(Check out http://www.lingo2word.com/translate.php for a translator that will help you understand and communicate with your text message obsessed buddies!)