Halloween Candy

After carefully reviewing the candy my daughter received this year from "Trick or Treat", I think it's time for a blog on the subject.   

"Tootsie Rolls" - I personally don't care for these candies because I think they taste like chocolate that's been dipped in warm sweat and then baked to the point that it's uncomfortably chewy, but I can at least understand why some people would like these, so giving the regular flavor of these is ok I guess.  Where I have major problems is when I look in the bag and see FREAKING FRUIT FLAVORED "Tootsie Rolls".  FRUIT FLAVORED!!!  Again, here we go mixing pleasure and pain...we can't just have chocolate, oh no...we have to throw healthy stuff in there with it.  Who wants candy that tastes like fruit?  "Tootsie Rolls" are supposed to taste like chocolate, not bananas or blueberries.  If I want bananas I'll eat a dang bowl of "Corn Flakes" (because that's the only way anyone EVER eats that "Corn Flakes, as it tastes so bland and boring that you literally have to put fruit in there so that your taste buds don't become confused and think you're eating the Styrofoam lid off of a beer cooler).  Congratulations on making a mediocre candy much worse.

Ok, seriously...what are "Dots" supposed to be?  When you take them out of the box they are really dry and have some sort of powdery substance on them...but then when you put them in your mouth they get all slimy!  It's like eating candy oysters.  They really don't have much taste to them either.  I think these might be the leftover slime from the gummy bear factory...any gummy stuff that doesn't get any sugar and flavoring on it gets molded and boxed up as "Dots".  Plain and simple - these suck worse than an afternoon at a bluegrass festival.  Do not give these out to anyone you even remotely care about.

No candy presents quite the dilemma that "Whoppers" do.  These little malted milk balls are definitely tasty, and they don't seem to fill you up much either, so you feel like you can eat about a hundred of them.  They're like puffed air with chocolate goodness and angel wings.  Later in the day though, you realize something about stuff that's "malted" - primarily, that it will cause you some intestinal discomfort through the production of copious amounts of gas.  You probably didn't know about this, but that's why I'm here...to provide you with insights you normally wouldn't have on your own.  (If you want proof, go get yourself a box of "Whoppers" and a chocolate malt, and then clear your schedule for that afternoon - oh, and I'd also recommend a fresh box of matches and a $50 gift card to the Yankee Candle store, get the "Caramel" scent and you'll be all set)  So what do you do?  Complicating this is the fact that, unless you've been to an extremely crappy neighborhood and have a sack full of Peach "Tootsie Rolls", you'll have plenty of other good candy to choose from that won't bloat you to the point that you float in the bathtub later that evening.  Do you risk it?  Is it worth it?  I'll leave it up to you.

It really bugs the heck out of me to see people giving out stuff other than candy on Halloween.  Your kids go up to the door all excited, expecting some candy, and then some wisenheimer gives them a stinking toothbrush or an apple or some sort of herbal Vitamin-C lozenge.  These hippy do-gooders need to be forcibly removed from our neighborhoods and our communities!  How dare they force their healthy habits on our children!  How dare they interfere with our night of sugar orgies and rotting enamel!  My kid should come home with an aching belly, a shirt smeared with chocolate and preserved marshmallow guts, and a buzz that will require 2 or 3 Nyquil popsicles to beat down.  When I dump that bag of candy out on the floor to sort through the loot and see a tube of AquaFresh toothpaste in there, my brain begins to smolder and burn and I begin to wonder how sweet it would be to jam that tube up your left nostril and squeeze it.  I seethe with rage at the thought of you smugly sitting there, so happy with yourself that you've turned Trick Or Treat into some sort of crusade...what a freaking NERD!     

See you have to remember that it's all about the kids!  When you're making your candy purchase, you need to consider them!  Think about the disgust on their little faces when they get home and see that you chose to go with that sack of off-brand no-name candy just so you could save 20 cents.  Think of the heartbreak when they reach in and pull out a poorly-packaged "John's Peanut Butter Cup" and choke it down.  Think of the disappointment and frustration they'll feel when they see that you gave them some mint floss instead of candy.  Think of the sadness they'll experience when they see that you decided to give out "Milk Duds" instead of any one of the fine "Hershey's" products.  Don't be an absolute loser on Halloween - step it up and give out some good stuff.

"I'd like to thank everyone for coming to today's meeting and...wait a second...where's Jeremy?  He hasn't been at his desk all day and he's missed 2 other meetings!" 

"He's...umm...indisposed at the moment sir."

"DARN IT I told him to go easy on those Whoppers...why do they even offer those in a 5 pound bag?"