Exfoliating?

One thing I always try to remain conscious of is not smelling like an old gym sock.  You would think that everyone would be conscious of this, but that's not the case.  There are some people who smell like they've been drug through cow patties and smelly mechanical fluids while being hosed down by an entire family of skunks who eat Taco Bell much too often.  I'm always amazed at these folks because they seem to be oblivious to their "fragrant" status - even when they haven't been doing something that would involve sweating or getting dirty.  How do they not realize that they're funking up the entire room?  I don't want to be one of those people that everyone else is talking about...and the thought that I might be drives me to be as clean as possible at all times.  

In my quest to make sure I never smell like a well-used baby diaper, I tend to wash very thoroughly in the shower and don't shy away from using body wash products that some might consider to be borderline "girly".  My usual routine is to wash at least once with soap and then follow that up with an overall cleansing using a body wash.  I may then repeat the soap part again so that I don't have that oily sort of body wash feeling that you get from them putting "hydrated oil of fresh mango butter" in there to keep your skin looking 483 years younger (basically, their goal is to get your skin to the state it was in before you left the womb).

I'm not really particular about what kind of body wash I use...my wife usually purchases something and I just go with that.  I may have to change that policy though, after what I've experienced with the body wash she purchased most recently.

Everything appeared to be normal with this body wash...it comes in an oddly shaped bottle and has a fluorescent coloration to it, which is standard in these products.  You're supposed to feel sophisticated from using it I guess (because nothing's better than soap to help you feel ok about your life...as long as you have one bottle that looks like this for every velvet Elvis or dogs shooting pool painting you have, you don't have to consider yourself white trash because the fancy bottle cancels out some of the redneck).  Anyways, I began to use the body wash and was rubbing it on me when I noticed something strange...it felt like this goop had sand in it!  I looked down and, sure enough, there were all sorts of little particles in this thing.  What the heck?  I thought this might have been a bad batch of "botanical extracts", so I checked the bottle, and then found this little blurb on there: "Gentle exfoliation by Pomegranate seeds keeps your skin looking younger and feeling softer." 

I looked down at myself and realized I was covered in these little purple particles, and thought..."So wow...I'm covered in fruit seeds.  I'm taking a shower and I've just slathered fruit seeds all over my body."  Trust me folks when I tell you that these little seeds were capable of getting anywhere...more details would only scar you.  Needless to say, I was not very comfortable...and those of you who know me know the look I get on my face when I am not comfortable.  It's one of those times when you just keep muttering in disgust..."WHAT?  WHAT THE...WHAT?  SEEDS?  FREAKING SEEDS?  REAL, ACTUAL FRUIT SEEDS? WHAT? WHAT?  WHAT KIND OF A STUPID...I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THAT...WHAT?"  I'm sure I was sporting a world-class, award-winning grimace at the time too...the kind that makes kids label you "The Mean Man" and which, if you wear it at church, will get you lots of "Be Happy, because you are in the Lord's house and it's a super-dee-duper day!" comments. (Hey, what do you expect from a work in progress sinner?  A cheery attitude every Sunday?  Is it so shocking that I'd arrive at church in a foul mood?  Don't hate me because I don't fake it like some of you - I've seen you and you aren't always "doing fine"...but I digress) 

I should probably take a moment to explain exfoliation to my guy readers, since it's another one of these girl code words to make their beautification process sound more glamorous.  It's basically a fancy term for scrubbing the dead skin off of your body.  So they basically fill a tub with bath beads (plastic balls of oil that dissolve in hot water) and mineral salts (dried up oil that melts in hot water) and then use a "luffa" (some Swedish term for a really poofy, girly sponge with a rope on it) to exfoliate their skin through the power of Pomegranate seeds (some stupid fruit that I've never actually seen and wonder if it really even exists).  It's sort of like using sandpaper to smooth out a piece of wood, only the sandpaper is fruit seeds and the wood is your leg.  So sensual!  So exotic!  So intriguing!

So now we're paying money to have seeds left in our body wash?  We're paying extra so we can add something grainy to our body wash so that it will rip the dead skin off of us better?  Let me tell you something about seeds...they suck.  They suck in fruits, they suck in your popcorn and in your freaking teeth, and yes, they suck when they are heartily dumped into a vat of body wash.  I don't want to be scratched to death...I just want to be clean!   

Besides, what if one of those seeds gets..."lodged"...somewhere?  Am I going to start sprouting Pomegranates?  That could hurt...we're not talking about a very shapely, aerodynamic fruit here. 

Why anyone would purchase a product designed to make you feel the way you do wearing shorts full of sand after a long day at the beach is beyond me.  If you don't like your dead skin, get rid of it the old fashioned way...go get a bad sunburn.  Keep your seeds out of my cleaning products for crying out loud!  I should not have to be telling you this!  Seeds go in the ground or in the garbage - WAKE UP!

Why can't we just leave fruit alone?  I don't want it in my salad.  I don't want it in my ice cream.  I don't want it in my body wash.  I don't want it in my cleaning products.  I'm getting sick and tired of picking the fruit out of everything I buy!  Stop it!  Don't make me grimace at you, fool!