Editor's note:
As I sat down to write this blog, I realized that the soy burger I had eaten for lunch had not filled me up, and decided to be bad and get medieval on a bag of chips. So I spent all this time scrounging for change at my very own desk and NOT stealing it from other people who are out of the office currently and then proceeded to buy a "Big Grab" bag of Doritos. When I opened the bag, it was already half empty! That freaking drives me insane...since when was it ok to sell someone a bag of chips and blame it on "contents may settle during packing"? I know this is a difficult concept, but if you want to fill up the bag of chips all the way, what you have to do is quit sealing up the bag before chips fill it up entirely. Instead, all you did was "Big Grab" the money out of my pocket in exchange for a half-empty bag of chips all while kicking me swiftly in the groin. Losers.
Since I've started getting back in shape, I've been working out again in the mornings before heading off to the slave labor camp I call "the office". I can't help but notice a few things at the gym that just don't make any sense to me. Normally I like to keep quiet about things like this and just go on living my simple, happy, uncomplicated life...but for once I'm going to complain a bit.
Who came up with the concept for the sauna? Exactly what is the purpose here? It's a wooden room that's really hot and makes you sweat. That's it. You pay a huge fee to gain access to a gym, and then you spend time inside a steamy room and perspire. I think the reason the sauna is so popular is because lazy people think it's close enough to actually working out that it benefits them. These folks don't want to put effort into working out or losing weight, and they think that since the sauna is a) inside a gym and b) makes you look and smell like you've done something really active that it's helping them somehow...like on a molecular level, being hot is the same as lifting weights because friction and heat are somehow intertwined and so sitting on a bench sweating with a bunch of other guys is kind of like running. Some guy, who's a genius, decided to capitalize on the inherent laziness in all of us and said, "Well, what if we made you look and feel like you had worked out without you actually having done anything? Would that make you feel better about slamming down 5 "Texas Style" honeybuns every morning with a iced mocha-chino chaser?" And we the lemmings said "Yes, that would be great! I'd love my workouts to consist of nothing more than holding my torso upright and not failing to breathe." So we go into the sauna, come out looking sweaty and smelling like old cheese, and figure we got in a great workout. This morning, I actually saw an old guy change into workout clothes before going in! It's like his regular clothes were going to restrict his ability to perform his sauna workout, so he put on the tightest pair of Greg Louganis, Olympic swimmer looking underwear ever. They were shiny and revealing - qualities every 75 year old man should seek out when purchasing clothing!
Speaking of old guys, there are a group of old guys who come to the gym every morning. They come in, go change into workout clothes, get a cup of cheap, boiled butt coffee from the front desk, and then sit at a small glass table by the weight room and talk and read the newspaper. Then, when they're finished talking about "...that day when Johnny helped that feller crank start his tractor while on route to deliver fruit to a man in Tallahassee..." they change back into their "regular" clothes (a collection of overalls, navy blue Dickies pants, and brimmed hats - the official old man uniform) and go back home. I guess most of this I could see...maybe they actually like the coffee at the gym better than at Starbucks or Panera Bread...maybe they like to talk about old times while watching women in skin-tight outfits with their buttcheeks (is buttcheeks one word or two?) hanging out complaining about how perverted men are...but why do they change into workout clothes?
When I go into the locker room, I purposefully pick a locker that has a lot of clearance on either side in terms of people. I don't get a locker near anyone so that I have plenty of space to do my thing and also to avoid any "bumpage" that might occur. Half the time, when I come out of the shower, some flamboyant idiot has taken a locker right next to mine and is sprawled out all over the place...often literally. He knew I was there...I leave my shoes and a few items outside the locker door to ensure that...but he's one of these pukes that just doesn't care that you're complete strangers who are about to be naked and within 3 feet of each other. So now I'm moving all my stuff and ducking streams of "Axe" deodorant body spray (hate to break this to you, but simply using body spray does not make you cool and will not net you tons of "chicks"...girls aren't turned on by body sprays...they're looking for something more substantial, like money and cars). This same loser will go dry his hair and brush his teeth without a stitch of clothing...why won't he put something on first? Why does he HAVE to brush his teeth or shave naked? If I throw up at the gym, it should be because I've pushed myself to exhaustion, not because some guy is giving me a "behind-the-scenes" tour.
I guess it's the price I have to pay to look as good as I do...I hope you all appreciate it.
Well, I'm supposed to work arms and shoulders today...but since someone sold me half my bag of chips I only need to spend 15 minutes getting stanky in the sauna to burn off the calories. It's paying off though...my butt is as buff as ever! My Dickies pants are starting to get tight around my cheek area! Yeah! (flex)