As readers of my blog know, there are lots of things that bug me and I like to write about them. Why? Well, I guess I feel like it's my reason for being. I feel as though I've been gifted with a crappy attitude and a propensity to not give a rat's butt, and by gosh I'll not let those gifts go to waste!
Everything nowadays can be ordered as a burrito or a wrap...why is that? I'm sure it's the low carb people, who have somehow convinced themselves that it's ok to eat 3 pounds of greasy, fatty meat so long as it's wrapped in a wheat pita. (incidentally, this goes back to my theory that we try to make ourselves feel better about eating bad foods by covering them up in some form or fashion with healthy foods...fruit in our ice cream and cheese on our broccoli) Now when you order a sandwich you have to tell them whether you want the actual sandwich or the wrap. If you're eating at a fast food restaurant, how concerned about your health can you really be? Suck it up and eat the bread you bed-wetting pansies.
Apparently, there are a few groups of people (car salesmen, NASCAR drivers, nerds, etc.) who haven't gotten the word that giving the "thumbs up" isn't cool anymore. Personally, I question whether it was ever cool...but I know the Henry Winkler (aka "The Fonz") fans will disagree and ultimately that's not a group I care to debate with (although I'll say it right here and right now to all you folks who thought he was so cool and so tough...HE SUCKED...I could beat the LIVING CRAP out of "The Fonz" and would do so given the chance. All you "Fonzy" freaks need to step off because I'll choke-slam "The Fonz" right in front of you and shatter your dreams just like that) and that's really not the point I'm trying to make here. The point is, it's old and cheesy and you need to quit doing it ASAP or else you run the risk of being mocked both publicly and privately by anyone with common sense.
Have you ever been to a really fancy restaurant and, upon entering the bathroom, found a guy sitting in there handing out mints? This is just wrong on so many fronts...for one thing, who wants a job where you sit around all evening dressed in a tuxedo enjoying the sights, sounds and yes...the smells of a restroom? Why pay a guy to do something that a tin can could do? All he does is hold mints, make idle conversation and take away any hope of privacy you might have had. I realize that this is uncomfortable to talk about, but to be honest the last thing I want is some guy sitting there listening to me in the event I have to knock one out, and I sure don't want to have to talk to someone who's just witnessed me do it. It's like he's talking to you and you're talking to him (with a cheap mint in your mouth that's at least partially to blame for the burning sensation in your eyes), but there's this weirdness between you because he knows what you did, and you know he knows what you did...it's just awkward and pointless. Get that freaking guy out of there!
If you read the comics section of the newspaper, you'll notice a few strips in there that are like...soap opera comics or something...stuff like "Mary Worth". What? So the idea here is to tell a meaningful story in daily segments that contain about 2 lines of dialogue...meaning that over the course of a year, you end up with about 5 minutes worth of actual story. No wonder it's been running so long...they've had the strip for 25 years and haven't even fleshed out the main characters yet. There's that other one called "The Phantom" that's supposed to be an action adventure. If I forsook everything and spent my entire life searching, do you think I could ever find a regular reader of comics like these? Take that crap out of the paper and run a few more Dilbert comics...and while you're at it, can that "Dennis the Menace" garbage too. It's not funny anymore...we get it already ok? The kids a brat who's always in trouble and everyone hates and loves him at the same time. Perhaps a butt-whipping from his poorly-drawn father figure would end the strip once and for all...or maybe that dog "Marmaduke" from the junky comic strip next to Dennis could eat him, resulting in Dennis' death while at the same time forcing Marmaduke's owners to put him down, which would end that crappy comic as well...hmm, this is actually a good idea here. That's one story line I'd actually enjoy reading.
"Uh yeah, I'm doing fine, great, whatever...Umm...could you like, go outside for a minute? I have to...umm...do something...and I want to get back before my "Triple Bacon Heartstopper Wrap" gets cold...you can just leave the mint on the counter..." (enters stall and picks up news paper)..."Ah ha! I knew he was the father of your baby Mary! You tramp!"
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