Mr. Miagi owns you

Yeah, that's right...you know you loved the movie "The Karate Kid".  In fact, I think it's safe to say that everyone who's ever been picked on loved this movie, which means about 80% of all people loved this movie.  (if you're reading this, and you find yourself in that 20% of people who were not picked on, but rather were doing the picking on, please leave your name and address in the comments section so that those of us who were picked on - who, incidentally, have grown considerably in both size and ability - can come have a word with you)

The plot revolved around the story of a kid who beat the crap out of some pretty-boy surfers who constantly abused him because he was from Jersey and had extremely feathered hair.  All Daniel Larusso wanted out of life was to use his smarmy Yankee charm to woo the California babes and skate through high school by the skin of his teeth, but the Cali, motorcycle-riding preps were having none of it.  Throw in some classic 80's music (don't act like you didn't jam out to "Cool Summer" because you did), a karate tournament, an old Asian man and an ex-military cut out with an awesome cobra tattoo and you have an instant hit on your hands.

(Before we go any further, I do need to inform you that it is pronounced "Kah-rah-tay".  The uneducated have slurred it into the commonly heard "Karateee", but please know that if you are not using three syllables when saying this word you are not saying it correctly.)

Part of the allure of this movie was how accessible it made the ancient art of "kah-rah-tay".  Many of us were under the impression that it took years and years of dedicated study to become proficient in "kah-rah-tay", but Mr. Miagi taught "Danyo-San" how to use it in roughly 3 weeks.  And he didn't have to do anything more than a little housework to learn it either!  After this movie, nerds everywhere were suddenly taking an interest in washing their parents cars and debating whether or not the "crane technique" was actually as unbeatable as Mr. Miagi claimed it was.  What made this even better was the notion that if you knew "kah-rah-tay" you could get in a fight and never get hit.  It was like being able to eat twinkies all day without worrying about getting fat and clogging your arteries.

Also, let's don't forget Daniel's nemeses - the boys from the "Cobra Kai" dojo.  "Dojo" is a really cool sounding word, and when you throw in a reference to a snake it puts it over the top.  Hard to imagine someone not wanting to use these words in their everyday conversations, making themselves sound like members of some deadly society full of secret ritual and cool code names..."Yeah, I better get going...Sensei Kreese makes us do push-ups on our knuckles if we are late for 'kah-rah-tay' lessons at the Cobra Kai dojo."  Why do you think they had so many students?  It wasn't because the Sensei was a nice guy...he was a burned-out loser who liked to abuse his position of authority and who, without his "kah-rah-tay" dojo and stupid punk kids, would be about as useful as an empty can of cheese whiz.  No, they went because they got to wear black sleeveless "kah-rah-tay" uniforms with snakes on them and call themselves the "Cobra Kai!"

Then, on top of all this coolness, you have an old Asian guy doing Asian things and spouting wise old Asian sayings.  Remember when "Danyo-San" asked Mr. Miagi what kind of belt he had?  Daniel was inquiring as to his martial arts rank, but Mr. Miagi replied "Canvas.  JC Pennies. $24.99".  He later quipped that "In Okinawa, belt only good for hold pants up" thus teaching "Danyo-San" a valuable lesson about the stupidly blatant marketing of an ancient martial art by ignorant and greedy Americans.  And who could forget when he told him, "You 'kah-rah-tay' do yes, or you 'kah-rah-tay' do no...you 'kah-rah-tay' do guess so, sooner or later SQUISH just-a like grape"  Then he'd go meditate for a few minutes before attempting to catch insects with chopsticks.  Get your knee busted out by an illegal flying side kick during a competition?  No problem!  Mr. Miagi will do his ancient hand-rubbing thing and then use the heat from his hands to make it all better. 

In summary, martial arts + old Asian guy + 80's music = coolness that cannot be resisted.  You loved this movie - now admit it.

This blog is in no way intended to be an endorsement of the movies "Karate Kid III" and "The Next Karate Kid" because those movies sucked major butt.

Dark Chocolate Dummy

Yesterday I purchased a Hershey's Dark Chocolate candy bar out of the vending machine at work.  Those things rock...anyway, as I was getting ready to open it, I noticed something that I had never seen before on the wrapper - instructions on how to open the candy bar. 

What would possess a company to feel it necessary to do this?  What was it that drove Hershey's to spend the time redesigning their candy bar wrappers to include instructions on how to open them?  I can only assume - and this is the scary part - that they did it because they were getting deluged with complaints from people who were actually struggling to get their candy bars out.  They had to be receiving so many complaints that they went to their wrapper people and said, "Hey, shut it down...we have to make an emergency change to the design.  I know it'll cost us millions, but we have to do something to get these people off our backs.  Don't run another wrapper until you've added instructions to them.  Make them easy to follow too...in fact, why don't you show them exactly where to put their fingers when they need to open the wrapper.  I know this seems ridiculous, but to preempt your questions -yeah, they're that dumb."

"Hershey's Customer Service, can I help you?"

"Yeah, I want my freakin money back lady - I can't get this dang candy out of the wrapper and now it's all busted up!"

"Well sir, did you follow the instructions we put on the wrapper for opening the candy bar?"

"Naw, didn't do that.  I shouldn't have to read a bunch of instructions to open my dang candy bar."

"No sir, you really shouldn't - but let's go over what happened.  How did your candy bar get all 'busted up'?"

"Well, first I tried tearin' it open with my teeth, but they kept coming out.  Then I tried smackin' it with a hammer a few times, thinkin' that might bust that wrapper open, but all it did was bust up my candy.  That's when I got my butane torch out and tried to burn it.  That did the trick but my candy bar got all melted up - it came pourin' out of there and got all over my favorite Hank Williams T-shirt.  Now I done ruined a $5 shirt to open up a $.50 candy bar!"

"Ok sir, do you still have the candy bar wrapper?"

"Uh, yeah...it's all licked up and stuff, but I still got it."

 "Ok sir, if you will send us a self-addressed, stamped envelope and that wrapper, plus $1.50 handling fee, we'll send you a refund for the $.50 you spent on the candy bar."

"A'aight...gimme your address and I'll do it.  Sorry I had to get tough with you there lady, but when you ruin a man's Hank Williams shirt you gotta answer for it."

What I can't figure out is how you were able to get the candy bar out of the vending machine in the first place.  I mean, operating a vending machine is WAY more complicated than opening a candy bar wrapper.  Maybe this is why they let the machines take dollar bills now...maybe the lines to buy candy were backing up while some troll stood there randomly putting coins into the slot trying to figure out what was required to make the machine work.

Here is what I suggest to those of you who can't figure out how to open your candy bar without instructions - don't breed.

Thanks.

Speaking of dummies, nice job electing the Democrats to office America.  More taxes and terrorism anyone? It'll be swell!