My eyeballs just threw up...

I am in Seattle right now sitting in my hotel room...I'm here for a technical conference so I'm not really blogging this week or doing much of anything this week (except for attending lectures, avoiding eye contact with other geeks like myself so I don't have to feign interest in their lives and talk to them, and eating the most overpriced room service food in the history of the world, which also happens to taste like refried aardvark eggs slathered in goat butter).

However, something happened on my flight up here that I felt compelled to blog about immediately.

American Airlines decided to show a movie during our 4 1/2 hour flight from Dallas to Seattle, you know, to help us forget about the inhumane conditions on these flights that we had to endure. I mean come on...were these airlines expecting 12 year old girls to be their only passengers? Because no way were those seats and rows designed for regular adults! And then there's the whole "Hey when I flush the toilet it's like I'm opening a hole outside the plane is this going to compromise the cabin pressure" thing...but I'm getting off subject here.

Anyway, they showed a movie, and for reasons that can only be described as the most pure form of evil ever exhibited they decided to show a movie called "Mamma Mia!".

I don't know who green lighted this movie, but whoever it was needs to be forced to eat spinach-stuffed liver steaks for every single meal for the rest of their lives. This was BY FAR the worst piece of crap I've ever laid eyes on, and if you read this blog at all you know that's saying a lot. I was so disgusted that I wanted to take one of those HAZMAT showers where they chemically cleanse your skin, which looks very painful but was the only thing I could think of to remove the overwhelming stench of failure off of me after having witnessed bits and pieces of this movie when I couldn't properly and completely avert my eyes.

Every time I looked up at the screen, people were dancing around like some sort of stinkin' musical, giving each other goofy looks and overemphasizing every little facial expression. It was like they thought the audience was on the moon, and so when they smiled or gave someone a look they had to do it really big and really hard so that people five trillion miles away would recognize what they were doing. Apparently, two stupid kids wanted to get married or something, and these two stupid kids had even more stupid parents and relatives who felt the need to communicate solely via poorly performed song and dance. Incidentally, have you EVER ONCE seen anyone talk to their family and friends by dancing around singing to them? Where did this concept come from? No one does this in real life because it's so cheesy and corny that anyone witnessing you do it would collectively and instantaneously kick your butt for it. STOP DOING IT IN MOVIES. Why? Because it's dumb and it angers me.

Speaking of stuff that angers me, I HATE when movie titles have exclamation! points! in! them! It's so ridiculously stupid...the movie is not "Mamma Mia"...it's "Mamma Mia!", like adding that exclamation point will be the deciding factor in whether or not millions of idiots flock to the box office to see this garbage. Of course, given the content of the movie, their target group might have been the mentally deficient. Stupid exclamation point..."HEY FREAKING MAMMA MIA!!! WOO HOO YEAH MAMMA MIA CAUSE WE'RE EXCITED HERE AND WE WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS MOVIE IS GOING TO BE FULL OF ENERGY AND SPUNK AND LOTS OF FUN DANCING AROUND AND STUPID OUTFITS AND FAILED ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR THAT ONLY THE ELDERLY OR THE CRIMINALLY INSANE WOULD FIND FUNNY!"

Don't even try to post comments here about how you liked the movie. This movie is the 10th degree black belt head instructor at the "Dojo of the Almighty Suck". If I were an actor in this movie, I'd sue to have any evidence of my involvement expunged from the annals of history.

Who in the world came up with the spelling for aardvark? Why is the letter "a" in there twice up front? What freaking purpose in the world does that serve except for to confound our efforts to correctly spell it? I'm telling you right now, someone did that on purpose.

Useless questions?

There are some questions that don’t need to be asked because the answers are obvious. 

“Doctor, is this going to hurt?”

The answer is always yes, it will hurt.  If you ask the doctor this question, and he says “No, it won’t hurt”, he’s lying through his teeth.  How can it not hurt?  They use popsicle sticks and needles and rubber tubing to go places humans are not supposed to be able to go with regard to the body of another person.  Now on the other hand, if you ask the doctor this question and he says “Yes, it’s going to hurt some” then GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE!  For the doctor to admit that there will be pain involved means that the pain will be so great that even he feels bad about lying to you about it.  If the doctor says it will hurt, there are probably going to be bone saws and transfusions involved, and in the end isn’t that just as bad as whatever malady has brought you in there in the first place?  Also, never ever forget the “curiosity” factor – doctors LOVE to go on walkabout inside your colon anytime they can just to see what’s in there.  They’ll take any reason they can to crack you open and poke around. 

“So what was wrong with my car?”

For most of us, cars are machines too complex to understand…so why do we waste time acting like we’re going to understand what the mechanic tells us when we take our car in for repairs?  It’s like we’re going to evaluate what he says and make sure he’s telling us the truth, but the only truth here is that this guy could tell us almost anything and we’d just have to sit there nodding our heads like we approve of what he’s telling us.  Basically, when you go to the mechanic, the agreement is that you give them an exorbitant amount of cash and they make your car work again.  It’s really that simple.  If you expect anything more, like to be treated fairly or to understand the value of the work they’ve done compared to the amount of money you paid them, you are in for major disappointment.  Next time, just walk in and pay the bill, and when they start blabbing to you about how they repaired the “nuclear quantiplexer valve” just tell them to shut up.  Save them the trouble and potential guilt involved in having to lie to you.

“Are you mad at me?”

Yes I am.  If you are asking this, it’s either because a) the person you are asking is visibly angry, in which case you already have your answer, or b) you have done something that would, under normal circumstances, tick a person off.  Don’t bother asking.  Now for you ladies out there – sometimes you ask your man this question prematurely when nothing has happened and he’s not visibly angry.  The answer is still “yes” though, because if he wasn’t mad at you before you asked this question, he’s mad at you now for asking it for like the 1 millionth freaking time.  If you want to make sure he’s not mad at you without having to repeatedly ask, just get him a bowl of ice cream anytime you’re not sure.  If for some reason he’s mad at you, he’ll forget all about it as he indulges in the tasty treat you served up (but be careful not to get crappy ice cream, that will just anger him further and will show that you don’t really care).  I know this sounds kind of shallow, and you’re probably wondering if guys are really this easy to satiate.  The answer to that question is also “yes”.  You could run over my cat with a tank and I’d forget about it within 30 seconds of your giving me a cool Transformer or a new Xbox360 game.

“Have you ever tried Broccoli the way I fix it?”

This question is irrelevant because Broccoli sucks no matter how it is prepared.  Don’t think for one minute that you have found some ancient secret that will negate the butt-tastic taste of this or any other of the vegetables that look like shrubbery or seaweed, because you have NOT.  There are some things that are universally true and there’s no way you can change them.  Country music will lower your IQ with it’s mind-numbingly stupid lyrics.  Stupid people will rubberneck and slow traffic on your side of the interstate for wrecks on the other side of the interstate.  Politicians and lawyers will always be criminals.  And yes, your Broccoli sucks no matter what you do to it.  So don’t force your guests to lie to your face about how good it tastes…if you are going to serve it (and I don’t see why you would) just know that it tastes freaking awful!  Oh, and you can pretty much replace Broccoli with any other vegetable and this all still holds true.   

Should the author of this blog continue to act like a crotchety, grumpy old fart or should he be more positive and uplifting?

Well, I know which way is more fun for me, so…

“Do I like it?  DO I LIKE IT?  WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK?  I don’t care how much molten cheese and ranch dressing you’ve dripped on that stuff, your ‘Spinach-wrapped Cauliflower Bundles’ are freaking terrible!  What are you doing serving this crap to me?  Are we even friends anymore?  What did I do to upset you to the point that you’d try to get me to eat bushes?  I need a tube of Pringles STAT!”

Incoming Text Message: You Suck

Texting – ok, I get that this is something many of you consider to be cool, and I’m a technology guy so I can appreciate it to an extent.  The problem is when technology and stupidity merge in an unholy matrimony of electrodes and brain farts, and no phenomenon demonstrates this better than people who obsess over cell phone texting. 

I don’t know about you, but the thing I love the most about people who use their cell phones to text message is the OBNOXIOUSLY ANNOYING and INCESSANT stream of beeps and noises that are produced each and every time they receive a text!  Exactly where do you people find these irritating ringtones at?  I wasn’t aware that the sounds of giant robots puking up badgers was available in 50 decibel format!  I didn’t know that you could obtain a 10 minute loop of the most irritating computer noises ever heard and have it play each time your idiot friend sends you a text to let you know about the most mundane events of his life (“I jst exhaled, getN ready 2 inhale now”)!  If you’re actively texting someone, you know you’re going to get a new message every 45 seconds…do we have to hear that INFERNAL racket each and every time it happens?  You don’t need to be notified at this point!  Turn that freaking noise off or risk having that flip-phone jammed sideways up your chute. 

Oh, and please note that texting does not make you appear to be cool and sophisticated.  I say this because I think many of you who text message frequently are desperate for the entire world to know that you are texting and that you text and that some other person is sending you text messages and that you are responding to text messages and that they are funny and full of “OMG” moments.  You think that when we see you sitting there gawking wide-eyed at your miniscule telephone screen, mouth agape, giggling like a 5 year old, that we’re saying to ourselves, “Wow, this person must be VERY popular – everyone wants to talk to him/her every single minute of their lives!  He/She is SOOOOO connected!”  But what we’re really thinking is that you’re not smart enough to realize that the object you’re receiving text messages on is capable of making ACTUAL PHONE CALLS during which you could talk with your voice to the person you wish to communicate with!  We’re wondering why you’d rather spend countless minutes typing barely comprehensible fragments of thought (“OMG u have to IM me L8R u will not bleev what Kevin jus did!”) on a keyboard that’s roughly the size of a bubble gum wrapper instead of just calling them.  Just stop rolling around in your chair faking fits of laughter and making all sorts of over the top facial expressions designed to get our attention and just type your stupid nonsensical message in quiet.       

Perhaps the worst offense cell phone “texties” commit is when they start keying in stuff right in the middle of a conversation they’re having with you.  If you and I are talking and I suddenly pull out a book and start reading it while pretending to still pay attention to you, wouldn’t you be a bit upset?  What sort of message would my actions send to you?  That you bore me more  than watching elderly snails race uphill with ankle weights on?  The thing is, you disrespectfully interrupt a conversation with a living, breathing person who’s right in front of you so that you can respond to your BFF who’s just texted you with the life altering news that she’s going to go pour herself a diet Coke.  It’s like you think that since you’re not actually talking on the phone it’s not interrupting anyone because it’s not a real conversation with a real person.  You’re just texting, right?  Wrong.  It’s rude, it’s stupid and you need to be pushed into a vat of steaming hot mustard greens for doing it.   

I deffo nd 2 gt d "Roomful of Screaming Babies" rngtone so dat IL B sure 2no wen u txt me!

(Check out http://www.lingo2word.com/translate.php for a translator that will help you understand and communicate with your text message obsessed buddies!)

Faking The Blog

Ever find yourself needing to do a blog post but not knowing what to write?  Here are a few tried and true methods for "faking" it!

The "Look at My Pictures" Post

Ah yes, the classic lazy-man's blog of choice!  Here, you post a bunch of pictures and make a small comment on each...this gives the illusion of a large blog due to all the space your pictures take up, but you don't actually have to say anything except for a few words under each picture like "Cute, ain't they?" or "Look at how goofy (insert name here) looks! Ha!"  It's not that posting pictures is lame...I like looking at pictures...but don't try to call it a meaningful blog post.  That's like rolling a piece of bread through a pile of sugar and calling it a cookie.  And hey, can we at least make sure the pictures are something that the average person would find interesting?  No one wants to see time-lapse photographs of your cat staring at a spot on the wall while you virtually giggle at it by typing "LOL" over and over.  No one wants to see 45 pictures of a blade of grass with dew on it and your one-liner about how it's just like the way we should love one another.  And NO, no one wants to see 12 different poses of you holding a paintbrush as you prepare to put a coat on your new house, especially if you're all sweaty and nappy looking.  If you are on week 4 of your blog series entitled "Watching My Tomatoes Grow", realize that the Internet sucks because of people like you.   

The "Which 'Lost' TV star are you?" Post

These blogs require even less effort than the "Picture Post" blogs, and also make a lame attempt at providing some sort of personal benefit to your readers.  Here, you post some sort of quiz or poll asking your reader to choose which type of candy bar they most resemble, and in doing so you hope to provide them some deep insights into their psyche.  Yes, that's right...deep insight into a person's psyche based on the results of a quiz that they take...on your blog...in about 2 minutes.  This idea is not only lazy, but also troubling...that people would seek life advice from you, an untrained blogger who has demonstrated that they are too lazy to even do a worthwhile post is unsettling at best.  I can see someone breaking up with their girlfriend because "I'm an Apple Pie and you are not an Ice Cream...no way this relationship can last."  

The "Plagiarism Post" Post

Some people cannot do a blog without posting something meaningful...but what do you do on days when you either a) don't feel like typing something long and meaningful or b) don't have anything meaningful to say and are in such a foul mood that you'd punch a baby puppy (see Alli's blog for a nice selection of puppies to choose from) if you could?  Never fear!  There are plenty of other blogs out there that have deep insights...all you have to do is go cut and paste their thoughts into your own blog and post that instead!  Never mind that the purpose for having your own blog is so that YOU can share your OWN thoughts - and hey, if you look enough maybe you can find a four or five part series so that you can milk it for more than one post!  What a freaking cheater!

The "Video / Slide Show" Post

This type of post is the absolute minimum a person can do and still call it a blog.  It won't have any content in it whatsoever outside of a stupidly not-funny YouTube video of a comedian talking about spatulas or a slide show containing 57 pictures of your kids eating dinner.  Each picture will have a small caption to it describing to us what we are seeing - "Little Carter eats a piece of cake!"  Like we couldn't figure that out without the caption...like we'd look at the picture of your kid eating cake and go, "OMG!  What in the hell is that kid doing?  What is that strange material he's putting into his mouth?"   

The "Fake Blogs Suck" Post

In this post, you poke fun at everyone else's lame attempts to fake a blog post while you do the same thing.  You try to appear funny and disgruntled, hoping your readers will not catch on to the fact that you are basically writing a "fake" blog on fake blogs.  It's probably ok since you have approximately 5 hits per year and since no one likes you.  You are so lame.  What the heck were you even thinking?  You should delete this blog before...no that's the "publish" button not the "delete" button you dolt!  Now everyone is going to know what you did!  Idiot!  Stop typing now...stop...STOP!!!

"Did you do that quiz on Jamie's blog?  It says I'm a "middle finger", which means that I have a knack for showing people exactly how I feel!  I'm not too happy about it, but at least I'm not one of those gold-digging "ring fingers"...or a "thumb"...cause you know what they always say...'WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTING AROUND WITH YOUR THUMB UP YOUR BUTT?'  Yeah...it would suck to be that guy."

If I had my own radio show...

Hello, yes, this is Ken and I'm a first time caller, I love your show..it's absolute genius.  I wanted to ask what kind of salad I should order with my meal when I eat out?  I want to make the most of my meal, but am unsure whether I should get the house salad, the Caesar salad or that other weird one with feta cheese?

Ken, I'll be honest with you here...skip the freaking salad.  I never, ever eat salad with my meal.  Why?  Because I'm treating myself to something nice, and a bunch of lettuce is not my idea of something fun and enjoyable.  Save room in your gut for the food that counts!  Think about it...the chef spends a lot of time preparing the main course, the desserts, and other appetizers.  He does this so they'll taste perfect and provide enjoyment.  Know how much time they spend cooking the lettuce, or those little sliced up carrot pieces?  ZERO.  How many times do people leave their main course unfinished because they have a belly full of lemon-zested grass clippings?  The bottom line is, salads suck and you should not be wasting valuable stomach real estate on them.  Next.

Hi, my name is Brian, and I was wondering if you could tell me why Wednesday is called "Hump Day"?  I've never quite understood that one.  I'll hang up and listen.

I'm not sure if this is a serious question Brian, because anyone with more than 5 brain cells understands why it's called that.  For the sake of those with an IQ greater than sand, I'll take the opportunity you've afforded us with your idiotic question and ask something that's actually interesting: who came up with the spelling of the word "Wednesday"?  Take note of the way it's spelled, and then consider how we all pronounce it - "Wense-day".  Based on the spelling, shouldn't it be pronounced "Wed-nes-day"?  What the heck happens to the "d" in there?  And you know how I feel about potpourri.  Next.

Yo J!  Whut it be!  Yo show is kickin' bro!  This be Sean G. up in da hizz-ouse, and I be...(click)

Freaking moron.  Next.

Hi Jeremy, this is Jen.  I think you are the smartest man alive and I want you to have my babies.  I was wondering if you could give me some advice regarding a friend of mine who always smells really bad.  Should I tell them?  How should I deal with this situation?

Sorry Jen, I'm spoken for.  Back to your question, this is a tricky situation because most people are not stable enough to hear from trusted friend that they are kickin' like a Bruce Lee movie.  If you can tell them, great...they'll appreciate it like crazy once they're done being mad at you.  Regardless, one thing you must do is make sure you keep your distance from them in social settings - the reason for this is that you don't want other people to think that it's YOU that stinks!  If you're sitting at the dinner table, and you're right next to your friend, and he/she smells so bad that it drifts past you and over to folks sitting on the other side of you, those folks might think that you're the stinky one!  This is a case where you have to hang your friend out to dry and make sure everyone knows it's them and not you that is bringing the funk.  Also, anytime you can, plan your activities to include things that would double as a bath of sorts...like swimming.  Next.

Yeah this is Tony from Boston, love da show.  Last night I was watching "Let's Make a Deal" and wondered if you saw the part wh... (click)    

How about you and I make a deal right now...you agree to stop watching retarded game shows that waste valuable prime-time TV spots  where inbreeders win lots of cash based on nothing more than dumb luck and I'll agree to stop pushing you into oncoming traffic.  Some of these shows are so freaking stupid!  "Hey moron...push the flashing red button and see if you instantly win money!  While the wheel spins I'll ridicule you and we'll all get a good laugh out of your desperation...all that and more tonight on HEY AMERICA, JUST HOW STUPID ARE YOU."

We're all out of time folks...for those of you stuck on hold, sucks to be you.

Tune in tomorrow, when my guest will be that British chick who wrote all the Harry Potter books.  We're going to find out once and for all what happens to the little #!^%&* and when it's going to happen, because frankly I'm sick and tired of it all.  If I see one more stupid freaking Harry Potter advertisement I'll go postal.  "Harry Potter and the Story That Wouldn't Freaking End", "Harry Potter and the Beating of a Dead Horse", "Harry Potter and the Marketing Campaign from Hell"...give me a FREAKING BREAK ALREADY!  If he's such a powerful wizard, why doesn't he break that wand off in someone and be done with it?  All he does is wander around looking at me with those big ole' goofy looking eyeballs of his, getting his butt kicked and spawning endless sequels.  I could beat Harry Potter down blindfolded with a Stuckey's Pecan Log for a wand.