What'cha watchin?

I am suffering major brain burnout from having several major projects going on this week and don't have it in me to do a normal post. However, I know many of you look to this blog as a source of hope and light – so I thought I’d post a few of my thoughts on some movies I’ve seen and offer you a chance to do the same.

Have any of you ever seen “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” Johnny Depp must be the guy they call when they make weird movies, because he’s in every single one. He’s good at being a quiet freak who wears oddball clothing and acts like he’s detached from reality – these are all great reasons to want to punch him in the face. Watching “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” actually made me angry – it was that stupid. Plus, I also cannot stand that little rat-boy Leonardo DiCaprio. I wish that what was eating Gilbert Grape was a huge Tyrannosaurus Rex. DiCaprio could be for dessert. I wouldn’t watch this movie again even if they were giving out gold bars to those in attendance. Sucks so hard!

It takes a really clever person to write a story about an idiot and have it end up being a great movie. Thus I give kudos to the person who wrote “Forrest Gump.” I know plenty of mentally deficient people, but they lack the charm and panache that Forrest had…a movie about them would basically consist of one hour and forty-five minutes of me slapping them upside the head with a paper towel tube. You have to love a movie that can make you laugh and cry intermittently for 2 hours. Plus, it’s a good lesson to the rest of us to see someone who thinks so simply about life also be so right about life. We “overthink” everything these days…there is a great deal of spiritual truth to be found in “Life is like a box of chocolates…you never know what you’re going to get.”

I have seen “A Few Good Men” probably over 50 times. It is one of my favorite movies and I can’t get enough of it. I love movies based on court cases where you get to see a battle of minds in which people use logic and reasoning to try to outwit their opponent. I love to see Jack Nicholson talk smack to people. I love to see government folks get caught breaking the rules and getting punished for it, because these losers are always jamming the rules down our throat while they themselves sit comfortably above the law. Plus there are cool looking military uniforms in it and they constantly throw around top secret military government code words. Mega cool!

I hate the Austin Power’s movies, and any movie for that matter that is based on what I call “toilet humor.” You know, jokes about things that should be private, like going to the bathroom or sexual habits or anything related to the public passing of gas. This is the humor of the weak and uneducated! If as a screenplay writer the only thing you can do to get a laugh is to have a guy burp the alphabet then you need to find another occupation.

Coming Summer 2006 – 2000 Hits – one man’s journey to ultimate bliss through the repeated smacking of Leonardo DiCaprio over the head with a long-tailed cat.

Just some stuff

Often we like to have dinner in front of the television…I know this is frowned upon by some, but my family has come to the realization that braving the dangers of watching too much TV is better than having to listen to someone like me talk about “their day.” “Honey, how was your day?” “@#%^!&*#!!%#%!!” “Ok, how about some TV?” (quickly shuffles couch cushions looking for remote)

My daughter has recently started thinking of her shirts as very conveniently located napkins. Considering the amount of money we spend on her clothes, this isn’t the best thing that’s ever happened. Some things, like snot and apple juice, wash out easily…other things like pasta sauce not so much. It’s never a good sign when you go to give her a hug and her cotton t-shirt doesn’t bend or move. I tried to reason with her about this, but when I asked her why she wiped her hands and face off on her favorite new Strawberry Shortcake t-shirt, she simply replied “Because I like to.” That answer made a lot of sense to me.

I really think I could cut a best-selling album if I could just get a recording studio inside my car. There’s something about the acoustical environment in there that brings out the true beauty of my voice. The pitch…the modulation…my voice like a golden piccolo sweetly serenading the cutest little baby puppy floating on a sunlit lake. In my car I am brilliant…everywhere else I sound like a chain-smoking Jerry Lewis.

Don't eat zoo food!

Do you find it strange that the zoo sells you food that they won’t allow their animals to eat? They’re fine with you eating it, but you’re not allowed under any circumstances to give it to the animals. Signs are posted all over the zoo warning you not to feed the animals because it could be hazardous to their health.

If zoo food is so unhealthy that even an ape shouldn’t be eating it then why are you selling it to ME?

One order of your nachos please...extra cheese...and a large Pepto Bismol for the drink

Camping Trip part deux!

Well, the CBC Campout Extravaganza 2006 came and went this weekend, and I have to say it was the most fun I’ve had in a long while. I did learn a few things about life and my fellow campers Friday night, though, and thought I’d pass the wisdom I’ve gained along to you.

Normally I try to avoid things that cause me to look and/or act “girly”, and I therefore don’t use lip balms like Chapstick very much. Now I like the product itself in terms of what it does…chapped lips are not cool and this product helps avoid that. The issue I have is with the application of it – because you have to put it on in the same way girls put on their Ruby Red #28 lipstick from Mabeline. You have to puff your lips out a little…and then do a few motions over the top and bottom…and then while you’re screwing the cap back on it you sort of moisten your lips…and then you have a nice glossy shine. Yeah…that looks great…congratulations tough guy on your new makeup. Perhaps Chapstick should consider this and come out with a new applicator that lets you spray it on or something…or maybe a root beer bottle that puts it on for you while you drink. Anyways, I am now going to make an exception to this rule for campouts on cold windy nights. My lips are so cracked and dry right now that it hurts me to even think about smiling - fortunately I don't smile much so it shouldn't be a big deal. So sneak into your tent and put some on guys…just don’t get that shiny kind that has glitter in it.

Games are fun and make campouts even better, and that’s especially true when you have a group of really competitive people. Having said that, it might be ok for some of us to dial it down a notch and not take “Catch Phrase” so seriously. I think some of you were under the impression that the “Catch Phrase” device was going to start spitting out $100 bills or tickets to Broadway shows to the winning team.

Is Charity Sanders the 2006 version of the “Lawnmower Man”? You remember, he was that guy who could turn himself into energy and lived in a virtual reality world – he could control any kind of device with moving parts and make it do his bidding. Well, Charity can exert complete control over any camera she touches…with the result being some really cool photographs. She always asks you to do this cheesy stuff, and you’re like “Aww…I have to do what?”…but then when you see the picture she took you feel like it was totally worth it. No human being could pull off the pictures she takes…so she’s either a virtual reality entity (which might explain how she could be so dang cheerful all the time – no real person should be that joyful) or she’s the only person ever to actually read and comprehend her camera’s instruction manual in its entirety. Which is it Charity?

Kudos to my church family for making it such a fun outing – love you guys!

Nathan! Give that hill a rest man...we're over here on the river bank. Get one of the 8 year olds to help you - they found us an hour ago...

Camping Trip!

This weekend I’m going camping with some folks from church. Now you might be asking yourself, “Why would someone want to go camping?” It’s kind of hard to explain, but let me give it a try. You see, you spend lots of time and money trying to create a great place to live for you and your family – a place that’s modern and not lacking any creature comforts. This is not an easy process, and sometimes you may find yourself lacking the motivation to keep trying to improve your situation. If this is the case, then you know it’s time to schedule a camping trip. Camping is a great way to remind yourself of how crappy life would be without that house. When you go camping, you are basically volunteering to sleep on the ground, eat burnt hot dogs and get devoured by bugs…so that when you’re done, you’ll have a renewed appreciation for things like beds, electricity, air conditioning and toilets. Two days of camping will have you hugging your toilet like a long lost friend, and as you bask in the glow of your climate controlled room on your spring and mattress bed you’ll find yourself bursting with a renewed commitment to your offensively boring job.

Of course, you don’t want to get too crazy with it, so you need to make sure that you bring some important items with you for your campout. Sleeping bags are an important item that no camper can do without. When shopping for a sleeping bag, be sure to select the thickest, fattest, most puffy one you can find, because sleeping on the ground sucks. It’s all bumpy and there are lots of little rocks that hurt when you lay on them for 5 hours straight. Also, be sure to bring plenty of toilet paper – leaves are not an acceptable substitute. You don’t want the kind of hurt that wiping with poison ivy can put on you. Plus, in terms of texture, leaves don’t have that “cottony-soft” feeling that we’ve come to expect when cleaning up. Leaves aren’t that durable either, and this isn’t a time when you want something crumbling on you.

Camping is fun, but there are safety issues to be concerned about if everyone wants to come home in one piece. Making flame-throwers out of aerosol cans is fun and brings a certain level of excitement to the campout, but be sure to keep the flames away from other people’s tents. Having someone’s tent catch on fire can put a damper on the entire evening…just ask my old Boy Scout troop leader. (true story…2am in the morning this guy wakes up to the shouts of his troop, and the first thing he sees is the left wall of his tent ablaze…) Remember too that sneaking around at night trying to scare other campers may result in your being clubbed repeatedly with a large stick. At night in the woods, campers don’t know if that noise they keep hearing is you or a coyote. The only sensible choice is for them to assume you are a dangerous predator and to treat it as a life-threatening situation. They’ve usually scored several nice shots to your head before they realize that you are not a threat. Then you get to go campout in the hospital waiting room. Also, flashlights are indispensable tools that can assist you in the midnight bathroom run. You should not play the guessing game when trying to find a good spot to go to the bathroom, as peeing on a wild animal or fellow camper will set events into motion that will not be easily resolved.

One quick note on camper etiquette – please note that campers are no longer obligated to tell the traditional campout “spooky” story about that guy who loses his hand and gets it replaced with a claw.

"Huh....what? What was that noise? Dean...is that you? I'm serious man...don't mess around...(picks up large stick)...Dean?"