As your president...

Yes, you heard it here first...I am officially throwing my hat in the ring for the presidency!  Given the fact that both the republican and democratic nominees will absolutely suck this year, I figure why not start up a write-in campaign?  After all, I have several qualities none of the other candidates have that I think would be beneficial, and you KNOW I'm going to tell the truth and tell you exactly where I stand on any given issue.  Plus, unlike the candidates we have right now, I'm smart, have common sense, am not completely driven by the desire to have more power (not completely...although I'd like to have just enough power to make people who park their cars crooked and end up taking more than one parking space wear jellyfish jockstraps), and am not a complete jackweasel.

And hey!  Consider these insanely awesome promises I'll make to you!

If elected, I will move to abolish the ability to custom order food at any drive-thru...this will speed up the process and will force all the special order morons to go inside.  Imagine how much your life will change when you get back all that time you normally spend sitting in line at Burger King while some dullard tries to get "light mayo only" on his 2000 calorie Whopper. 

If elected, I will act quickly and decisively to enact legislation banning the airing of "Mentos" commercials on TV.

If elected, I pledge to put an end to the practice of writing and selling those "Idiot's" books.  If you are inclined to read books, you are likely not an idiot.  Idiots avoid books like country music singers avoid meaning and depth in their songs...so littering the shelves of every bookstore with "The Idiot's Guide to Annoying the Mess Out of Your Neighbors Through Creative Landscape" is a meaningless waste of time and energy.   

If elected, I promise to move towards a vegetable-free society where none of us are forced to eat food that looks like shrubbery and has to be smothered in buckets of cheese just to be palatable.  Our founding fathers did not suffer and struggle all those years just so that we could eek out a living...they wanted us to have the best kind of life possible.  And folks, I cannot imagine a great life being one filled with the eating of mustard greens...

If you elect me...I will make dairy companies produce only one kind of milk.  No longer will you have to sort through all the varieties of vitamin-enriched, skimmed-low-fat free, uranium-infused milks.  There will just be one kind, it will say "FREAKING MILK" on the label and you'll just grab it.  Do you realize that they make milk now that has bacteria in it - on purpose?  They are actually ADDING bacteria to our milk now.  This isn't what America is all about!

Write my name in on your ballot, and when I'm elected I'll invite all those who voted for me over to the White House for a HUGE party! 

I do need to find a running mate though...this is going to be tough because I need someone who can make me look good but who won't upstage me.  I also want someone who will pummel anyone who disagrees with my policies.  I'll begin accepting applications now, but if I were you I'd hurry because I know there will be a lot of interest in this position.  The pay doesn't suck either.

I don't care if I get elected or not, I'm still not going to wear a suit because suits suck and I don't like to do stuff that sucks.

Luck sucks

A black cat crossing your path is unlucky - but only because it means that you probably are a cat owner, and as anyone who actually has cats will tell you this sucks.  Say goodbye to your furniture because the little freaks will claw the mess out of it.  Hope you enjoy having them desecrate your carpets with their poop, which often contains various household objects that you've been missing for quite some time because cats like to chew on stuff.  Have fun getting hit up for thousands of dollars each year to make sure the cat, who lives inside your home, does not have some sort of disease that could KILL YOU.

Breaking a mirror will cause you to have seven years of bad luck - but only because that's how long it will take you to get all the little shards of glass out of your carpet, and until you do you'll get stabbed in the foot repeatedly. 

Walking underneath a ladder is a certain sign of misfortune - but only because it reveals your own lack of intelligence.  Someone as dumb as you is in for a long and painful life full of unpleasant surprises - not unlike the unpleasant surprise you'd receive if a large can of paint plummeted 25 feet and hit you directly on the head.

Seeing the bride in her wedding dress is not a good thing - but only because it's a reminder to you that in just a few minutes, you're going to be committing yourself to spending a lifetime with someone ugly and mean.  Do yourself a favor and do what I did - marry someone who's hot, funny and smart - and you can avoid this problem altogether.  

You wanna know how I know that people who believe in luck are gullible and stupid?  The rabbit's foot.  Don't tell me that this myth wasn't started by two smart people pulling a joke on one of their stupid friends...a friend so stupid that he'd actually believe that his life was going to be negatively impacted because he broke a mirror.  I can just see it..."Hey Billy!  There's a sure-fire way to remove that there bad luck curse off of you.  All's you gotta do is...umm...go over there in the cabbage patch...naked...and catch little fluffball.  Then, once you catch him, you, umm...cut his foot off!  Yeah!  You cut his foot off.  And then you...uhh...attach it to your key chain!  Then you take it with you wherever you go, and as long as you have Fluffball's little foot in your pocket you're safe."  Then everywhere they went, the two friends would always ask Billy to go get something out of his car so that he'd have to take his keys out, thus allowing everyone else there to see the little stumpy rabbit's foot, and they'd all laugh.  This has college fraternity prank written all over it. 

What the ignorant perceive as "bad luck" is in reality the "suck" factor of life rearing it's ugly head.  Crappy stuff happens sometimes and there's nothing you can do about it.  Deal with it.  It's not some cosmic conspiracy to mess up your life because you did something trivially stupid...if it's any consolation to you, life treats the rest of us like crap as well.   

See a penny pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck?  What in the heck is a single, stinking penny going to do to change the outlook of my day?  I can't buy anything with it, I probably picked up some rare disease just by touching it, and ultimately for every penny I pick up it means someone else lost a penny. 

Kids wisdom

I'll have a regular, pessimistic, agitated, foul-mood inducing blog coming up later today or tomorrow, but I just had to share something that happened yesterday.

My 5 year old daughter shares my sweet tooth, and one thing we both love are "Icees" (those sugary frosty things that come in coke or wild cherry flavors).  I had mentioned to her that if she worked hard on her school work that morning that we'd get an "Icee" after lunch.

We were in the car driving to lunch and my wife and I were both grumbling about the cost of some car repairs that we were facing.  My daughter was in the back seat and wanted to know what we were talking about.  Actually, she was DEMANDING to know what we were so frustrated about...so I began explaining to her that sometimes mommy and daddy talk about things and we don't tell her on purpose.  I explained that often, the reason we don't tell her about them is because she's too young to understand what it is we are saying and why it's important.

"For example, mommy and I are talking about how much money we will have to spend to get daddy's car fixed.  It's a lot of money and we're not very happy that we'll have to spend money on my car that we would rather be spending on other things.  We have to get the car fixed so daddy can go to work, but it's going to take a WHOLE LOT of money to get it fixed.  We wished we could spend the money on other things, but we can't do that this time."

"Oh"

"Now, do you understand what mommy and daddy were talking about?  Do you know what this means?"

"Yeah", she said with a sigh..."it means I'm not getting an Icee today."

For the record, we still got "Icees"...coke flavor.

Gangsta rap

I am so sick and tired of being glared at by these wanna-be tough guys every time I walk by the magazine rack. Can't I pick up a copy of "Woman's Day" magazine (I like the quizzes ok? I think I've been "emotionally distant" lately) without having some thug try to intimidate me via magazine cover? Yeah, you're a real tough guy staring menacingly at the camera in that lush studio during your photo shoot. Pass me a bottle of purified water and give me a freaking break you pretender! The "gangsta" rap lifestyle is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of, and the only thing rap music has to offer is the poor pronunciation of our language and the marginalizing of incredibly stupid behavior.

But since this is a million dollar industry, I figure that there are some of you who might want to become "gangstas" so you can cash in on the craze. Fortunately for you, my blog is here to help! You'll be happy to know that this lofty goal is well within your reach!

To be a hardcore "gangsta" rapper, you need to come up with a name so pointless and stupid that it will draw the attention of idiots like a bug light. This might seem daunting to you at first, because it takes a certain kind of dolt to think along these lines, but I'll give you a tried and true formula for doing it and soon you'll sound just as ridiculous as "50 Cent" or "Snoop Doggy Dog" or "Chingy". First, you'll need to find some sort of household object...it can be anything you see, like a spoon. Next, you need to select a letter of the alphabet, like the letter "B". Then, you need to select the name of an animal that sounds cool or tough...like "wolf". Finally, you need to select a term that denotes age or time in some way...something like "Daddy" or "Lil" or "Old". Once you have these terms picked out, you just put them together in random order and you can make all sorts of names! Using "spoon", "B", "Wolf" I was able to come up with the following:

• Spoony B
• Wolf Daddy
• Old Spoony
• B-Wolf
• Lil' Wolfy

I think I'll go with Lil' Wolfy...yeah...sounds all "hiz-ot" (that's how unbelievably intelligent hip-hop artists say "hot")

It's not enough to just have a "gangsta" rap name - you also have to look as stupid as you sound! You can use the magazine cover above for guidance, but basically here's what you'll need. You need to get some pants that are no less than 10 sizes too big for you...you should have to pull these pants up at least once every 10 seconds (if this is not the case then you didn't buy pants big enough). Then you'll need to get either a basketball jersey or some sort of T-shirt extolling the virtues of smoking weed. If you really want to be tough, you can do as "Fiddy" did in the picture above and wear a bulletproof vest around so people think you are involved in constant gun battles all day. Then, and this is really important, you'll need two (2) layers of head covering. You'll need some sort of rag to tie around your head, and then you'll want to wear a baseball hat on top of that - but not correctly. The hat should appear as though it were placed on your head by a drunk clown having a seizure.

Oh, I almost forgot...you need to wear lots of "bling". "Bling" is the term "gangsta" rappers have coined for jewelry that's been created to look like it should be worn by a giant. Whereas a normal pendant would be the size of a penny and hang on a thin gold chain, a "bling" pendant is the size of a dinner plate, has your name engraved on it just underneath the caricature of some girl with an extremely large butt, and hangs from a chain that looks like it should have a boat anchor attached to it. There's a reason it has to be ridiculously big and extremely gaudy - a real "gansta" rapper MUST let people know that he/she has a lot of money. This is crucial, because when people see the way you are dressed and the way you talk and act, their first response will be to label you a poorly-dressed imbecile with no social skills and the vocabulary of a mossy rock. The job of the "bling" is to tell people, "Hey, I may look like Steve Urkel's retarded cousin, but I'm rich so I must not be as stupid as I look and sound" - basically a lie but we're not exactly dealing with a target audience full of geniuses either. Important note: your mouth is a great place for "bling" that should not be neglected! How cool would it be to have gold caps for my teeth with "Lil' Wolfy" engraved in them? How smokin' would that be? That's the...uhh..."shiznizzle" or something.

But hey, where rap really shines is in the deeply intellectual lyrics that these "gangstas" create. I mean, what good is a "gangsta" rapper without his "dope" lyrics? You're probably thinking to yourself, "I can't write lyrics like these rappers do...I've never experienced the gangster sort of life that they write about in their music!" Don't worry- neither have they. Can you make rhyming statements about what life would be like sitting around all day drinking low quality beer and inhaling copious amounts of marijuana while degrading women and taking shots at people passing by your front porch? Congratulations! You're a hip-hop artist! It's actually very easy to come up with rap lyrics once you are able to get yourself thinking like a person who has no intentions whatsoever of contributing one single positive thing to society or the world at large during their lifetime. You should also consider cursing a lot to earn yourself one of those adult content stickers on the CD as those tend to help sales quite a bit.

Boy, I sure am glad society is the steaming pile of waste that it is these days...otherwise, we wouldn't tolerate such absolute crap being produced and mass marketed. Without rap music, these "artists" would have no means of expressing their stupid, immature, vile viewpoints on millions of impressionable 13-year olds!

Here's hopin' some fool don't go get his gat and bust a cap on dis playa fo bustin' out such dope lyrics on da state of da rap game...you feel me dawg? You can't fade Lil' Wolfy!

Feel free to create your own "gangsta" name and post it in my comments section!

Halloween Candy

After carefully reviewing the candy my daughter received this year from "Trick or Treat", I think it's time for a blog on the subject.   

"Tootsie Rolls" - I personally don't care for these candies because I think they taste like chocolate that's been dipped in warm sweat and then baked to the point that it's uncomfortably chewy, but I can at least understand why some people would like these, so giving the regular flavor of these is ok I guess.  Where I have major problems is when I look in the bag and see FREAKING FRUIT FLAVORED "Tootsie Rolls".  FRUIT FLAVORED!!!  Again, here we go mixing pleasure and pain...we can't just have chocolate, oh no...we have to throw healthy stuff in there with it.  Who wants candy that tastes like fruit?  "Tootsie Rolls" are supposed to taste like chocolate, not bananas or blueberries.  If I want bananas I'll eat a dang bowl of "Corn Flakes" (because that's the only way anyone EVER eats that "Corn Flakes, as it tastes so bland and boring that you literally have to put fruit in there so that your taste buds don't become confused and think you're eating the Styrofoam lid off of a beer cooler).  Congratulations on making a mediocre candy much worse.

Ok, seriously...what are "Dots" supposed to be?  When you take them out of the box they are really dry and have some sort of powdery substance on them...but then when you put them in your mouth they get all slimy!  It's like eating candy oysters.  They really don't have much taste to them either.  I think these might be the leftover slime from the gummy bear factory...any gummy stuff that doesn't get any sugar and flavoring on it gets molded and boxed up as "Dots".  Plain and simple - these suck worse than an afternoon at a bluegrass festival.  Do not give these out to anyone you even remotely care about.

No candy presents quite the dilemma that "Whoppers" do.  These little malted milk balls are definitely tasty, and they don't seem to fill you up much either, so you feel like you can eat about a hundred of them.  They're like puffed air with chocolate goodness and angel wings.  Later in the day though, you realize something about stuff that's "malted" - primarily, that it will cause you some intestinal discomfort through the production of copious amounts of gas.  You probably didn't know about this, but that's why I'm here...to provide you with insights you normally wouldn't have on your own.  (If you want proof, go get yourself a box of "Whoppers" and a chocolate malt, and then clear your schedule for that afternoon - oh, and I'd also recommend a fresh box of matches and a $50 gift card to the Yankee Candle store, get the "Caramel" scent and you'll be all set)  So what do you do?  Complicating this is the fact that, unless you've been to an extremely crappy neighborhood and have a sack full of Peach "Tootsie Rolls", you'll have plenty of other good candy to choose from that won't bloat you to the point that you float in the bathtub later that evening.  Do you risk it?  Is it worth it?  I'll leave it up to you.

It really bugs the heck out of me to see people giving out stuff other than candy on Halloween.  Your kids go up to the door all excited, expecting some candy, and then some wisenheimer gives them a stinking toothbrush or an apple or some sort of herbal Vitamin-C lozenge.  These hippy do-gooders need to be forcibly removed from our neighborhoods and our communities!  How dare they force their healthy habits on our children!  How dare they interfere with our night of sugar orgies and rotting enamel!  My kid should come home with an aching belly, a shirt smeared with chocolate and preserved marshmallow guts, and a buzz that will require 2 or 3 Nyquil popsicles to beat down.  When I dump that bag of candy out on the floor to sort through the loot and see a tube of AquaFresh toothpaste in there, my brain begins to smolder and burn and I begin to wonder how sweet it would be to jam that tube up your left nostril and squeeze it.  I seethe with rage at the thought of you smugly sitting there, so happy with yourself that you've turned Trick Or Treat into some sort of crusade...what a freaking NERD!     

See you have to remember that it's all about the kids!  When you're making your candy purchase, you need to consider them!  Think about the disgust on their little faces when they get home and see that you chose to go with that sack of off-brand no-name candy just so you could save 20 cents.  Think of the heartbreak when they reach in and pull out a poorly-packaged "John's Peanut Butter Cup" and choke it down.  Think of the disappointment and frustration they'll feel when they see that you gave them some mint floss instead of candy.  Think of the sadness they'll experience when they see that you decided to give out "Milk Duds" instead of any one of the fine "Hershey's" products.  Don't be an absolute loser on Halloween - step it up and give out some good stuff.

"I'd like to thank everyone for coming to today's meeting and...wait a second...where's Jeremy?  He hasn't been at his desk all day and he's missed 2 other meetings!" 

"He's...umm...indisposed at the moment sir."

"DARN IT I told him to go easy on those Whoppers...why do they even offer those in a 5 pound bag?"