Toy Story Too

Sometime during the late 70s or early 80s, I had a life changing Christmas experience. It was the year I discovered the sweet nectar of absolute power.

I remember it like it was yesterday (yesterday stunk, by the way…I was so bored at the office I seriously considered jamming a fork in my eye). That particular year, my toy list was so big it could have easily sent my family into bankruptcy (now I know why my dad was working nights that year). My list had all the old standby’s…G.I. Joe, Star Wars figures, a new football, a new bike…all the stuff a boy my age could have wanted. I had trouble sleeping that night in anticipation of all the goodness that awaited me in the morning.

Imagine my surprise, then, when early that next morning my weary eyes laid sight on what Santa had brought me…a “Big Trak”. What in the world? I didn’t ask for any “Big Trak”! I felt like the elf at the Christmas drive-thru window had gotten my order wrong and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. Man were my friends going to laugh at me. Had I been bad? My ears reddened at the injustice unfurling right before my very eyes. I was shell-shocked.

Now for this to make sense, I have to go into some detail as to what a “Big Trak” is. The “Big Trak” was a pretty popular toy at that time…it was the first of the programmable toys ever to come out. It looked like some sort of space age tank, and it was motorized, and on the top of it was a keypad. What you would do is program a series of instructions into this keypad and then hit the “Go” button, and the “Big Trak” would carry out the instructions. It could move in any direction and could also move material with a basket sort of contraption that it would lower and raise, and it would dump its contents out if you told it to.

After a few minutes of discouraged hand-wringing and pouting, my curiosity moved me to check it out. I was stuck with this toy…I figured I’d see if there was any enjoyment to be salvaged from it before totally writing it off. After mashing on a few of the buttons just to see what would happen, I quickly flipped through the instruction manual just to get a feel for how to “program” it. I decided to start with something simple…get the “Big Trak” to go forward for a few feet and then come back to me. I entered the commands and hit the “Go” button…and then watched as the “Big Trak” slowly lurched forward as I had told it to. After a certain point, it reversed and came right back to me. “Hey…that’s kind of cool…I wonder what else I could make it do?” I decided to have it do some turns…basically driving in a square pattern until it would again come back to me. This worked too, and as I kept thinking of ways to challenge the “Big Trak” a strange feeling began to overtake me. Here I was…a young kid with no technical capabilities whatsoever, controlling a highly capable robotic artificial intelligence! This “entity” was under my command, and it’s only function in this entire world was to do my bidding! My mind began to swirl with what I can only describe as an “evil zeal” as I begin to contemplate how I could use this “Big Trak” to change my life. Perhaps it could be programmed to keep my sisters out of my room, or to carry out dastardly deeds such as removing their favorite stuffed animals and dumping them in hard to find places. Maybe it would do my homework for me, or pick up my room…the free time I’d have would be incredible. As I drove the “Big Trak” into my room, my other toys suddenly looked lifeless…like nothing more than melted plastic and paint.

My love affair with the “Big Trak” was short-lived…somehow, the “Big Trak” thought that I told it to drive down the stairs...not sure how that happened, must have been a faulty keypad or something because I would never have tried something like that despite claims to the contrary by my parents. Needless to say, it was never the same after that. No matter what you told it to do, it would always make a right turn. Soon it was relegated to the back of my closet and forgotten about.

I was forever changed though, and I'm happy to say that my lust for power still exists to this very day! Thank you Milton Bradley!

So share your favorite toy stories here…I’m going to see if I can buy a new “Big Trak” off of EBay and get it to cut the grass for me.

The "Big Trak" blog - some assembly required, batteries not included.

Death rocks!

People say I’m a pessimistic person, but I strongly disagree. To prove it, here is an uplifting post about...death! While dying has its disadvantages, there are a few things about being dead that are pretty dang cool.

• When you’re dead stuff doesn’t bother you anymore. Death is a great way to reduce stress and lower your blood pressure. When you die, you’ll discover that things that used to “get your goat” simply won’t matter to you anymore! All the incessant worrying about healthy living, paying the bills, idiotic in-laws…it all magically disappears when you die!



• When you die, you'll never again find yourself struggling to fall asleep. Nyquil has nothing on death when it comes to helping you sleep like a baby! The really cool thing is, you don't have to set the alarm clock...no more snooze button for you baby! Feel free to sleep in!



• No more TELEMARKETERS! Unless you go to hell, you’ll never hear from any of them again!



• No more taxes! For your entire life, government takes a third of what you make so that they can fund someone’s right to use the bathroom on religious objects and sell it…but after you die, you can finally tell the IRS what you think of their 1099! I just hope they bury me with my butt up in the air. Just think...you're death might remove enough money from the system to deny some undeserving welfare recipient their latest round of handouts! And you've been avoiding death this whole time!



• You can finally quit your job! I’ve been “workin’ for tha man” for too long now…and death will finally give me the freedom I’ve wanted. Think of death as the ultimate retirement package! Plus, if your company has treated you like a new couch in a room full of angry cats, maybe you'll be lucky enough to die during the middle of a crucial project and derail it.

See! There are plenty of things to be positive about if you have the proper perspective! I haven't even listed them all! And I think I’ve safely squelched the notion that I’m not an optimist…you can keep saying it, but after reading this post it’s obvious to everyone that it’s just not true.

My glass of water is half empty and there's a fly in it...

Bumper stickers suck

When you see a car with a bumper sticker on it, what you must realize is that the person who placed it there wants everyone to know what they think about the subject matter contained on the bumper sticker. They put the sticker there so that everyone who sees it will realize that the driver holds whatever opinion or agrees with whatever mindset is portrayed on the sticker.

Besides the obvious fact that these stickers make your car look TERRIBLE, the question I want answered is – why do it?

Has ANYONE in the history of the world EVER had their mind changed, or been impacted in any way, by reading a bumper sticker? Even if it’s the most serious issue ever raised, has anyone ever altered anything about their lives or thoughts in response to something they read on the back bumper of a car? If not, then what is the point? Is it just to let me know what you’re thinking on the issue is? Gee thanks! I was wondering whether the random stranger in front of me is going to donate his organs when he dies…now I know.

Then you have the real winners…the bumper stickers that deal with issues so trivial and stupid that they don’t warrant any serious consideration. Let’s look at a few of the gems currently available for your viewing pleasure:

• stickers about children being on the honor roll at their elementary school



• stickers about how the person’s other car is a jet, or a fishing boat, etc



• stickers containing images of small children urinating on various car maker’s logos



• stickers warning other drivers that following too closely will result in a “booger” being flicked onto their windshield



• stickers that proclaim that you are a hunter/fisher, or having corporate logos from companies that make stereo equipment, bodywork for cars, or other miscellaneous products

Ah yes…all very important issues worthy of our attention. It’s definitely important to have a well-thought out position on whether Dodge is better than Chevy. Nothing says class like a “Calvin pissing” sticker – what a great way to reach the hearts and mind of others! And I can’t tell you how much I’ve benefited from the knowledge that, to deer hunters, “Size matters.” When you want to influence your audience, it’s good to come up with sleazy, raunchy slogans full of lewd innuendo. It’s like the mental equivalent of wearing “daisy dukes” and a tube top. What benefit we all receive from the fact that some random child did well in school! How excited we all are to finally be able to understand your passionate feelings towards the company that makes the golf balls you use…and it’s certainly going to be helpful the next time I’m wondering where you are to know that you’d “rather be fishin’”

If you spent your whole life searching the known universe to find someone who cared about your thoughts on any of these meaningless, trivial issues, do you think you’d have any success? If there’s one thing the human race has amply demonstrated, it’s that we DON’T CARE. Usually it’s a bad thing, but the knowledge of this fact just might prevent some of you sticker folks from cluttering our world up with your needless printed material. Stop wasting your money on this junk and quit broadcasting your opinions to the rest of the world.

My blog beat up your honor roll student.

Chocolate buying advice

Some of us at the office were having a discussion about vending machine candy bars and I thought it might be a good idea to share some thoughts on this with you guys. As you know, picking the right candy from the vending machine is very important…often, the mid-afternoon candy snack is the only time during the day when you don’t want to club yourself to death with your own leg, so it’s crucial that you make the right choice.

In light of this, I offer the following candy bar reviews:

Hersheys’ Milk Chocolate – 5 stars

A genuine classic and sure to please, this is a “can’t go wrong” selection. The only problem with this candy bar is that you’ll find yourself wanting more when you’re finished. Try prolonging the enjoyment by indulging slowly

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups – 5 stars

Is this the Holy Grail of the candy world? Some would say yes, and while I’m not sure I’d go that far I will say that these are incredible.

M&Ms – 4 stars peanuts, 3.5 stars plain

My personal preference is the peanut M&Ms, and I don’t care much for the regular ones unless they are drowning in a sea of ice cream. Still, these are a tried and true favorite and if you want to play it safe but are tired of the two previous selections, give these a go! Incidentally, they WILL melt in your hands (or in the backseat of your car - thanks kid!) if you hold them long enough.

Baby Ruth – 2 smelly stars

I’ve seen things that look like Baby Ruth candy bars before, and it’s not someplace pleasant. Trouble is, not only do they look like crap, but they taste like it to. These always taste stale right out of the wrapper, and there are so many peanuts in there that you really don’t get much else. Plus, pay attention to the heavy "thud" you hear when these candy bars drop from their rack...it sounds like falling lead bars. Not a good sign. Stay away at all costs.

Heath Bar – 1 star

Sorry Heath, but your candy bar tastes like warm sweat. It’s like they somehow solidified a pot of day old coffee and smothered it in chocolate. I guess they thought that people love chocolate enough to eat anything that is covered by it. They were mistaken. Maybe this is the candy bar smokers enjoy...since they can't taste anything anyways ("It tastes like chicken!") I think the makers of this candy bar forgot that candy is supposed to taste sweet and pleasant. Smash any of these you see to bits to prevent others from accidentally biting into them.

Kit Kat – 5 stars

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….(drool drool drool)

Hershey’s Take Five – 0.2 stars

Ok, this one is tough because I like the concept. Pretzels covered in caramel and chocolate – what could be better right? The problem here is that this snack violates the 50 Cent Portion Rule, which states that given the choice between a bunch of candies that I like, I will spend my 50 cents on the one that is the largest. Now with the Take Five, you get two pretzels. TWO! (that's me yelling the word "two" out loud and in a frustrated tone) Who the heck does Hershey’s think I am? How dumb would I have to be to spend 25 cents PER PRETZEL? Believe me, the first time I got one of these and discovered that it was a measly two pretzels an important vein busted in my head. It is NOT a good idea to scorn the mid-afternoon candy snack people...I will rain down blows upon your head with chocolate covered fists until my cravings pass.

That's all I have time for now...but feel free to add your own candy bar reviews…I’m going to try to free up that Twix bar dangling from C13.

Hit me please!

You know, it would be a lot easier to keep this blog updated on a daily basis if I could quit my job and work on these posts full time. Problem is, I need money to pay the bills…if only I could get enough hits on this site to do some advertising and get a sponsor who would fund my efforts…but how could I get more people hitting this site? How could I get some search engine hits?

Anyway, so last night I was watching AMERICAN IDOL on my SAMSUNG DLP TV while enjoying a refreshing COKE and eating PRINGLES when all of a sudden a commercial came on for the new and improved HONDA RIDGELINE. Needless to say, I was really impressed by it. It’s the perfect vehicle for driving around in your RAY-BAN sunglasses, listening to NORAH JONES or JACK JOHNSON or the FOO FIGHTERS or other popular bands you see on MTV or VH1 and which are often found on XM or SIRIUS SATELLITE RADIO. I’d love to drive it right over to BEST BUY to pick up the SECOND SEASON OF 24 starring KIEFER SUTHERLAND on DVD. I was surprised that I didn’t see any commercials about PARIS HILTON, MTV, PRESIDENT BUSH, MADONNA or any of the cast of SURVIVOR last night. I guess now that THE OLYMPICS are over there’s not much else worth watching on ABC, CBS, NBC or FOX, so I’ll have to start playing WORLD OF WARCRAFT and my XBOX again…or just hanging out with the family at some famous retail stores like SEARS, POTTERY BARN or PIER ONE.

So that was how my night went…not much to write about! If you have any ideas on increasing my hit count, share 'em here. I haven't thought of any yet myself.

25, 456 hits since eating my QUAKER APPLE-CINNAMON OATMEAL this morning